Venting Will I ever love myself?

[bini]

It's taken me a while to write this. My anxiety just wouldn't let me but fuck it. My anxiety is so freaking debilitating and paralyzing, I can't even do anything anymore. And the more I don't do anything, the more I feel shitty about myself. I used to be confident. I used to love myself but now it's different.

I consider myself an artist/designer (well, I guess I used to). So whatever I create, I need to be proud of, right? I shouldn't care about what people think about me or my art. But why do I feel embarrassed about everything I do. It has gotten to the point where I cringe at my past work. I cringe at my own photos and my own reflection. I'm terrified to post anything anymore. I don't talk to anyone anymore. I think I lost all of my friends because I don't respond to them anymore. My boyfriend is probably tired of me and my depressed mood. I barely even talk to him anymore. I don't think I'm worth 'being liked or being friends' with. I wanna change and appreciate myself a little more but I don't even know where to start or what to do. I don't want to feel like this for the rest of my life.

I hope I didn't ramble.

 

[whywere]

My heart broke reading your thread, as having those feelings and thoughts hinder a person's life, no doubt. BUT, also, you are a artist and believe me, that is one aspect of life that I wishes I was even average at. You are an intelligent, kind, caring and loving soul, your thread speaks volumes of those qualities, so wonderful.

I love art museums and art in general, one of my passions, and having an artist as a good friend on here is just so darn nice and refreshing, thank you.

I know how hard it is, but try and remember just how talented you are, loved by a great boyfriend and me and so many others here.

You are NEVER EVER alone, and try, yes, it is so hard, to tell yourself each and every day that you are not only a worthy person but one with talent and love.

Lots of huge hugs, kindness, love and the knowledge that you are a wonderful spirit.

Walter

 

[PeterRabbit]

It's taken me a while to write this. My anxiety just wouldn't let me but fuck it. My anxiety is so freaking debilitating and paralyzing, I can't even do anything anymore. And the more I don't do anything, the more I feel shitty about myself. I used to be confident. I used so love myself but now it's different.

I consider myself an artist/designer (well, I guess I used to). So whatever I create, I need to be proud of, right? I shouldn't care about what people think about me or my art. But why do I feel embarrassed about everything I do. It has gotten to the point where I cringe at my past work. I cringe at my own photos and my own reflection. I'm terrified to post anything anymore. I don't talk to anyone anymore. I think I lost all of my friends because I don't respond to them anymore. My boyfriend is probably tired of me and my depressed mood. I barely even talk to him anymore. I don't think I'm worth 'being liked or being friends' with. I wanna change and appreciate myself a little more but I don't even know where to start or what to do. I don't want to feel like this for the rest of my life.

I hope I didn't ramble.

I am also an artist and musician. I get in low phases where I go delete everything I made and all of my music and take it offline or delete it from my own recordings. I understand - when I create it I'm on a high and it feels good and I'm in a flow state. Then later I'll be hypercritical of my own stuff and get into the "You're so stupid. People only act like they like it to save you embarassment."

I'm not saying I know what your experience is like or anything but that's how it is for me. I have been my own worst enemy my entire life. On paper, allegedly, I was setup for success but this brain I got had the wrong firmware. I think it's worse when you can step back and objectively look at yourself and your life and realize its all in your head. Then you feel worse because you "don't deserve" to feel bad/depressed/anxious or whatever.

 

[Tanaka]

Forget about being proud of your work. Unfortunately our minds are obsessed with the past and the future, which are nothing but projections in thought. And if you haven't noticed yet, you are not your thoughts. You have no control over them. So leave them alone.

I know that's easier said than done, so what I do is just get busy. Stick to your artistry. If you don't like what you have produced, scrap it and start again. Don't judge. Just laugh about how shit you think it is.

 

[mob]

I do art as well and I also cringe at my works or past works. But if it's what you love, continue doing it because at some point you might fall back in love with it again.
Art doesn't have to impress anyone, not even yourself. What's important is that you do it because you want to.

For me, it's an outlet for my stress. Most works I don't even post, some works I hate, some works I cringe at - that's fine. Art is for yourself. It's a reflection of you. Only if you want to share it you should.
It's also nothing to be embarrassed about.

It's hard to even like yourself, even harder to appreciate yourself; but absolutely nothing is impossible. Start small and build your way up.

Wishing you the best <3

 

[bini]

My heart broke reading your thread, as having those feelings and thoughts hinder a person's life, no doubt. BUT, also, you are a artist and believe me, that is one aspect of life that I wishes I was even average at. You are an intelligent, kind, caring and loving soul, your thread speaks volumes of those qualities, so wonderful.

I love art museums and art in general, one of my passions, and having an artist as a good friend on here is just so darn nice and refreshing, thank you.

I know how hard it is, but try and remember just how talented you are, loved by a great boyfriend and me and so many others here.

You are NEVER EVER alone, and try, yes, it is so hard, to tell yourself each and every day that you are not only a worthy person but one with talent and love.

Lots of huge hugs, kindness, love and the knowledge that you are a wonderful spirit.

Walter

I needed this, thank you so much. You're so kind.

 

[Cress]

It's taken me a while to write this. My anxiety just wouldn't let me but fuck it. My anxiety is so freaking debilitating and paralyzing, I can't even do anything anymore. And the more I don't do anything, the more I feel shitty about myself. I used to be confident. I used to love myself but now it's different.

I consider myself an artist/designer (well, I guess I used to). So whatever I create, I need to be proud of, right? I shouldn't care about what people think about me or my art. But why do I feel embarrassed about everything I do. It has gotten to the point where I cringe at my past work. I cringe at my own photos and my own reflection. I'm terrified to post anything anymore. I don't talk to anyone anymore. I think I lost all of my friends because I don't respond to them anymore. My boyfriend is probably tired of me and my depressed mood. I barely even talk to him anymore. I don't think I'm worth 'being liked or being friends' with. I wanna change and appreciate myself a little more but I don't even know where to start or what to do. I don't want to feel like this for the rest of my life.

I hope I didn't ramble.

I think it's normal for people to paint their past work but you should also understand that it's just a reflection of where you were at that point in your life. Sometimes you can also experience the opposite. Recently I published my first youtube video And to be totally honest with you I don't even feel like I even made it feels like someone else did. Primarily because I have feelings that I don't think I am halfway skilled enough to make it and I can't mentally comprehend all the steps in the process to repeat it. I hope that doesn't come off as conceited "like my work is so good" I'm just trying to illustrate that the opposite effect can also happen.

I struggle with self doubt and anxiety And not measuring up to anything worthwhile. I am sorry you're having such a rough time dealing with feelings of worthlessness and anxiety I don't wish them on anyone. I don't believe anyone deserves to suffer And I hope someday you're you're able to feel OK With the things that you create and the people that you talk to.

Just try to let it all flow out of you as a natural extension of yourself. Create art when When you feel the passion for it and talk to friends when you need the social interaction. However don't attack yourself when you have no motivation to create art or you want to be alone and don't want to talk to friends or even maintain them. I've spent a lot of years attacking myself because I wanted to be alone for large Amounts of time.

 

[greebo6]

Remember your boyfriend loves you . And remember he loves everything about you. Your personality , your quirks...everything.
And guess what..... that includes your artistic side and artistic talents.
( I am sure you are talented)
I know its not always easy to love yourself or avoid shutting others out but I hope it gets better for you and eventually you can find fun and fulfilment in your art again.