Help will be going to an inpatient program Sunday, help coping until then

[wishingonstars]

Just what the tittle says.

I am finally getting into a program (not a hostpital!) after months of bullshit. Had to find a place because there's nothing even halfway decent in my state, then switching insurance which was insane, figuring out how to get on FMLA for work, and finding a good date, now I am finally going. Also my new insurance is great (even if it is a massive financial drain especially long term) and my stay will be covered 100%

I have no idea how I have made it this far without killing myself. In part I think it is not wanting to cause friends and family pain but also not having everything I needed for my method and not having the bandwidth to write letters/prepare.

Now it is in 3 days but somehow I'm worse than ever which is saying something. I'm scared of change and have some trauma from a multiple months inpatient hospital stay as a teenager so I think that is probably some of it. But I really don't know how I am going to make it through these next few days. Both of my roommates will be gone tonight and I don't work tomorrow so nobody would be there to worry about where I am if I just checked out a motel room and ended things. I'm so close to being in this program, I've been telling myself for months that I need to try this and if it doesn't work I can finalize my plan - if I did end up CTB after the program I would want it to be well planned and scheduled not impulsive also. Really I should wait at least until my sibling is done with school and well established in a career which will be a while, also waiting until my 30's or 40's seems better because then I could really say I had tried everything and waited it out and still nothing worked. I have been actively suicidal on and off since I was 8 and in therapy since 4 and on meds since 15 so it's not like I haven't tried but I guess my brain still has a bit of developing to do still and all that (early 20's). Anyway I want to die, I'm 100% certain of that but it currently doesn't feel like the ethical thing to do because there's still more to try and it would devastate a ton of people (I have a good circle of friends and family who are very supportive and would probably also blame themselves as most of them know I am suicidal).

Anyway I'm sorry that was so long but does anyone have advice for how to keep it together for the next few days and also maybe get the motivation to clean my room because I've got mice and would like to take care of that before I leave so it's not terrible when I get back?

 

[TBONTB]

Hey, take care of yourself. That's a lot.

I don't know how good my advice is, but I'll throw a couple of things out there.

You said you had good friends. Can you make some "dates" with some of them. A coffee, a meal, or even just a phone call. Just something on you calendar to fix to.

On the room, definitely makes sense to give yourself something clean to come home to. Throwing out a couple of ideas. One is to give yourself a mini-goal...like 15 minutes of cleaning and then a game. Or one category...all the clothes on the floor and then I'll rest. Another is to ask a friend to come sit with you while you do some cleaning.

Good luck!

 

[LaVieEnRose]

What kind of impatient program is it? Like a residential?

If this is something novel you haven't really tried you could be encouraging towards yourself and fry to foster hope that it will be of use. Make it a mantra you can repeat to yourself. Try to separate it from the trauma you experienced younger since it is something different (hard to do I know). Engage in your typical self-care, especially things that might be hard to do while in treatment.

Not sure about summoning the motivation. Sometimes you just have to muster it up. But it could be a good activity to distract yourself from your worries plus you know it is in your interest to not cause problems for yourself later down the road. Could do if in steps rather than just one big process.