Proxycake
Matrimony
- Feb 20, 2023
- 71
When will it end? By the time it does, this entire generation and most likely far more after that will be dead. We are living in a time where it is impossible to better ourselves, and with that we cannot better society. I spend half of my day ripping myself apart with stress, from morning until afternoon, and I spend the other half of the day exhausted from the pure adrenaline the stress has given me. I spend all night crying; until usually the break of dawn. I have nowhere else to say this, because I will either be called overreactive, dramatic, pathetic, or the people I tell turn it onto themselves. This is cruel, is it not? Is this how we, as the most intelligent form of life on Earth, should be living? I am sure everyone reading this feels the same too. You are tired. So am I. I have dark circles under my eyes and I am trying not to fall asleep as I write this. We hate talking to people. I can't even make my fingers hit the keys on my keyboard when I respond to people; it is so unrealistically tiring.
I just hope that perhaps one day, society can change, reverse this horrible punishment we've given ourselves due to escalation in our intelligence as a race, which led to our entrapment. The systems we formed, the fact that some people are completely unable to achieve their dreams due to monetary status, mental state, lack of a home or proper education, or malnutrition is shocking. This is not what we were put here for. Not to work for 3/4 of a day, then go to bed, then do it again. I want to quit wasting my life away, risk it instead; stop caring about what people who have been poisoned and had their right to think freely sedated have to say.
I rarely ever say this anywhere else, because of the fear I will be put into a hospital (which is absolutely unjust, no human should feel this way, and I will elaborate if I want to) but I want to die. I have always wanted to die, from childhood. I have always risked myself. I had sexual involvement with older men since I was about 7. And now it feels as if it is an addiction; I will forever feel disgusting for this. Everybody who has ever been romantically involved with me has asked me if they are enough, because the only thing I can think about is being able to let myself go, to free fall into the arms of a man with a paying job, handsome and disgusting, willing to support me, tuck me into bed each night. It is just a fantasy, I remember, because I am not wanted how I was anymore. I am no child. The fact that I can write this much, let out this much emotion, tells me that I am not a child; not even mentally.
I do contemplate death, all the time, and of course like any other human, I wish it could be painless. It is natural human instinct. However, in a way, I wish it could be painful. As some sort of final way to say goodbye, to feel the most pain my body has ever endured. To bleed out, I would love to stare at my own blood in such big masses. Perhaps I'd stab myself in the heart. hang myself, or cut so deep I see nothing but maroon, on my floors. Preferably my carpet, just to ensure that whichever member of my family that has to clean it themselves, or make the call to the carpet cleaner is in tears because they just can't get my blood out of the material. I will stay there, stained into the fabric, even after I have died, and all has been cleaned up. They can powerwash as much as they'd like, they can even replace the carpet, paint the walls, but I will ensure pieces of me are everywhere, and for eternity, people will continue to find them.
I just hope that perhaps one day, society can change, reverse this horrible punishment we've given ourselves due to escalation in our intelligence as a race, which led to our entrapment. The systems we formed, the fact that some people are completely unable to achieve their dreams due to monetary status, mental state, lack of a home or proper education, or malnutrition is shocking. This is not what we were put here for. Not to work for 3/4 of a day, then go to bed, then do it again. I want to quit wasting my life away, risk it instead; stop caring about what people who have been poisoned and had their right to think freely sedated have to say.
I rarely ever say this anywhere else, because of the fear I will be put into a hospital (which is absolutely unjust, no human should feel this way, and I will elaborate if I want to) but I want to die. I have always wanted to die, from childhood. I have always risked myself. I had sexual involvement with older men since I was about 7. And now it feels as if it is an addiction; I will forever feel disgusting for this. Everybody who has ever been romantically involved with me has asked me if they are enough, because the only thing I can think about is being able to let myself go, to free fall into the arms of a man with a paying job, handsome and disgusting, willing to support me, tuck me into bed each night. It is just a fantasy, I remember, because I am not wanted how I was anymore. I am no child. The fact that I can write this much, let out this much emotion, tells me that I am not a child; not even mentally.
I do contemplate death, all the time, and of course like any other human, I wish it could be painless. It is natural human instinct. However, in a way, I wish it could be painful. As some sort of final way to say goodbye, to feel the most pain my body has ever endured. To bleed out, I would love to stare at my own blood in such big masses. Perhaps I'd stab myself in the heart. hang myself, or cut so deep I see nothing but maroon, on my floors. Preferably my carpet, just to ensure that whichever member of my family that has to clean it themselves, or make the call to the carpet cleaner is in tears because they just can't get my blood out of the material. I will stay there, stained into the fabric, even after I have died, and all has been cleaned up. They can powerwash as much as they'd like, they can even replace the carpet, paint the walls, but I will ensure pieces of me are everywhere, and for eternity, people will continue to find them.
