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RoyBlight
The Fearful
- May 4, 2023
- 9
I'm a 22 years old male and I summarize my life in this post, asking for advice at the end.
I just don't know what to do, what to think, what to believe anymore... you'd think a "recovery process" of 10 years would be enough for me to recognize myself and others, to be able to tell the difference between right and wrong... well I guess it's not.
It has become impossible to explain at this point, with no words enough to even come close to describing what's going on in my head.
I've been bullied since elementary school, started taking meds due to panic attacks in 5th grade. After 10th grade I've gotten so much worse that I had to quit school, as I would have nervous breakdowns every single day. I haven't gotten any better. Right now I cannot socialize, I cannot go to school, I cannot go to work. I pretty much have no life and am stuck in my room. That's a VERY rough summary of my mental issues. And below you will see how absolutely no "professional" was competent enough to even come close to helping me.
I've been seeking help for more than 10 years now I think... but it's always been the same. I fail to describe my issues, all I can describe is that I have panic attacks and... they just give me some antidepressants that won't help. Nobody carefully analyzes me to see if it's caused by some trauma or by some abnormality in my brain, absolutely nothing...
And when the meds don't work they just add more meds or change the existing ones... still to no avail.
It's not that I quit too early... I take the meds for multiple months but they just do not bloody help, even worse they show awful side effects. Not to even mention I don't feel comfortable at all while talking to my doctors. It's always felt like they don't care about what I think, they've always just gaslit me into thinking my thoughts are just caused by my illness, that I'm always wrong and should only listen to them.
This has gone for like 10 years until I've given up. I just didn't want to be used like a toy, played like a puppet anymore. I live with my mother right now, she takes care of me. I cannot go to college or work anywhere right now due to anxiety issues, panic attacks or whatever but honestly, I'd much rather be homeless in the future than put another pill in my mouth or have another doctor manipulate me into thinking my thoughts are worthless.
Since I cannot get better by any means, I wanted to try to get a disability report recently, to get paid a tiny sum every month, to make use of various discounts, stuff like that.
They said I cannot get it because I'm not currently undergoing any treatment anywhere.
I don't get it... I mean, if I'm undergoing treatment, that means I'll be basically continuing normal life while taking medications a.k.a not be disabled at all.
But no treatment has ever helped me so that's why I decided this could count as a disability at this point, hence I applied for it. How does this system makes sense at all?
If I see a doctor for this ''treatment'' I know they won't take me seriously, they'll just give me some simple medication as if I've been depressed and been having panic attacks for like a month and not 10 years.
I told so many people that my past memories torture me, that I keep seeing awful past events in my dreams, that my past is my greatest burden and I can never forgive myself or others for past mistakes that ruined my life. None even slightly considered the possibility of PTSD, they just insist it's simply anxiety and just send me off with some pills.
You know, I did try working at some places. One was a warehouse. My experience there was worse than anyone can possibly imagine. It wasn't that the people there were bad people, they were lovely people but I always just wanted to be back home because of my anxiety. I would often get too exhausted, start getting dizzy, start shaking, start crying. I would have to try to hard to hide my tears. I would hide in a corner and try to cry it out during break times. Despite all this, despite single days feeling like multiple weeks, I did not quit because I was just sick of it all. I was sick of quitting, I was sick of failing. And guess what, they fired me after 1.5 month. They must have seen how much difficulty I was having.
That experience in particular proved me that it wasn't just that ''I had to get used to it" that "It'll be hard to for the first week, then it'll be easier" bullcrap people tell me.
I would like to mention another thing. For almost 10 years again, I've always listened to the doctors and whenever I had different opinions, I said to myself ''These thoughts are probably caused by puberty or my illness, I should ignore them". I was absolutely nobody, I had no thought or emotion that mattered, I simply did what everyone told me. Big shocker, I got much worse and worse.
After a while, as well as listening to the doctors, I've been analyzing myself as well. Trying to figure out why I could be like this, extremely sensitive, be obsessed over the tiniest things, have panic attacks that keep me from doing anything in life.
I've considered countless possibilities. Were my expectations too high? Was I giving too much credit to others? Did I have too much confidence in others and not enough in myself? Was I too obsessed with what other think of me? Was I a hypchocondriac, just lying to myself that I was mentally ill? Was I simply not motivated? Was I overanalyzing myself?
Thesea are probably the simplest examples I could think of, I couldn't possibly come close to telling you how much thinking I've done.
I would like to think if it really was something to do with my way of thinking, I would have figured it out after 10 fucking years of analyzing myself. At this point, I can tell EXACTLY what goes on in my brain that causes my issues. I am also COMPLETELY aware of myself and my surrounding when I'm having panic attacks. It's like my mind is clear but my body is just going through a crisis, like a healthy person stuck in a sick body. I've gotten SO FAR in terms of awareness, yet there is just no solution to any of this.
But... who cares... they won't give me a disability report... any psychiatrist or psychologist immediately disregards my thoughts... and I probably will be enlisted in the future for mandatory military service, because I cannot convince people that I am unfit... and you know I'll show people at the military something pretty fucking hilarious once they put any gun in my hand.
So uhh, if anyone is reading this, before continuing I greatly appreciate you, for hearing me out. Shouldn't be easy reading all of that I imagine.
I uhh... I'm... well, after all the things I've been through with countless treatments not working and people not believing me, it would be suffice to say I... I just don't feel human anymore.
Like... me being right and hundreds of others wrong? That shouldn't be possible, yet it is... I mean, the reason I disregarded my own thoughts and listened to the doctors for years in the first place is because I thought it not possible but... it seems like that's just what's happening...
It's just... nothing makes sense... none of this makes sense. It's like I have this aura around me and reality just bends around me and everything just... becomes the opposite... or something, it's really hard to explain... like anything that would work for a normal human being just doesn't work me...
I cannot... quite come into terms with any of this. People still tell me stuff like... ''It's because I don't believe in the treatment'' ''It's because I quit too early'' ''I have to do something I love" dumb shit like that... and I wish I could just completely remove all of these people and all of these advices from my life but there is just still a very tiny part of me inside that still cares about these advices, like a tiny bit of ''normal human'' left inside of me. I wish I could completely purge it.
And as you can see everyone I'm... I'm still writing in the ''recovery'' forum... even though I'm... beyond exhausted.
I just... wish I could completely give up... and fucking end myself but... it's like there's some code in my body that... forces me to still search for an answer, even though I don't want to anymore.
What do I do guys... I mean... I'm just... done, completely. I don't want anything... like, naturally, after a life-time of torture it caused, I just do not want to seek treatment anymore, I do not want to try to get better. And I do not want to die either because I'm scared shitless of death. I'm just... I'm just in pain... I'm just in immeasurable pain... Nobody but my mother believes me... everyone just keeps talking like they know what I've been through... I cannot go to school, cannot go to work, have absolutely no hobby other than playing video games, watching youtube and listening to music, nothing I can make money out of...
Am I really the one to blame...? Was all of this... really all my fault...?
Does anyone have any advice for me... I mean... to be honest I'm so lost, I don't even know what I need advice for... maybe an advice to numb the pain caused by all of this? The pain caused by years of failure, disappointment, the loneliness? Or maybe an actual treatment/recovery advice to get better? Or maybe just... an advice on how I can end all of this...
Thank you for sparing me your time. It means a lot, truly.
I just don't know what to do, what to think, what to believe anymore... you'd think a "recovery process" of 10 years would be enough for me to recognize myself and others, to be able to tell the difference between right and wrong... well I guess it's not.
It has become impossible to explain at this point, with no words enough to even come close to describing what's going on in my head.
I've been bullied since elementary school, started taking meds due to panic attacks in 5th grade. After 10th grade I've gotten so much worse that I had to quit school, as I would have nervous breakdowns every single day. I haven't gotten any better. Right now I cannot socialize, I cannot go to school, I cannot go to work. I pretty much have no life and am stuck in my room. That's a VERY rough summary of my mental issues. And below you will see how absolutely no "professional" was competent enough to even come close to helping me.
I've been seeking help for more than 10 years now I think... but it's always been the same. I fail to describe my issues, all I can describe is that I have panic attacks and... they just give me some antidepressants that won't help. Nobody carefully analyzes me to see if it's caused by some trauma or by some abnormality in my brain, absolutely nothing...
And when the meds don't work they just add more meds or change the existing ones... still to no avail.
It's not that I quit too early... I take the meds for multiple months but they just do not bloody help, even worse they show awful side effects. Not to even mention I don't feel comfortable at all while talking to my doctors. It's always felt like they don't care about what I think, they've always just gaslit me into thinking my thoughts are just caused by my illness, that I'm always wrong and should only listen to them.
This has gone for like 10 years until I've given up. I just didn't want to be used like a toy, played like a puppet anymore. I live with my mother right now, she takes care of me. I cannot go to college or work anywhere right now due to anxiety issues, panic attacks or whatever but honestly, I'd much rather be homeless in the future than put another pill in my mouth or have another doctor manipulate me into thinking my thoughts are worthless.
Since I cannot get better by any means, I wanted to try to get a disability report recently, to get paid a tiny sum every month, to make use of various discounts, stuff like that.
They said I cannot get it because I'm not currently undergoing any treatment anywhere.
I don't get it... I mean, if I'm undergoing treatment, that means I'll be basically continuing normal life while taking medications a.k.a not be disabled at all.
But no treatment has ever helped me so that's why I decided this could count as a disability at this point, hence I applied for it. How does this system makes sense at all?
If I see a doctor for this ''treatment'' I know they won't take me seriously, they'll just give me some simple medication as if I've been depressed and been having panic attacks for like a month and not 10 years.
I told so many people that my past memories torture me, that I keep seeing awful past events in my dreams, that my past is my greatest burden and I can never forgive myself or others for past mistakes that ruined my life. None even slightly considered the possibility of PTSD, they just insist it's simply anxiety and just send me off with some pills.
You know, I did try working at some places. One was a warehouse. My experience there was worse than anyone can possibly imagine. It wasn't that the people there were bad people, they were lovely people but I always just wanted to be back home because of my anxiety. I would often get too exhausted, start getting dizzy, start shaking, start crying. I would have to try to hard to hide my tears. I would hide in a corner and try to cry it out during break times. Despite all this, despite single days feeling like multiple weeks, I did not quit because I was just sick of it all. I was sick of quitting, I was sick of failing. And guess what, they fired me after 1.5 month. They must have seen how much difficulty I was having.
That experience in particular proved me that it wasn't just that ''I had to get used to it" that "It'll be hard to for the first week, then it'll be easier" bullcrap people tell me.
I would like to mention another thing. For almost 10 years again, I've always listened to the doctors and whenever I had different opinions, I said to myself ''These thoughts are probably caused by puberty or my illness, I should ignore them". I was absolutely nobody, I had no thought or emotion that mattered, I simply did what everyone told me. Big shocker, I got much worse and worse.
After a while, as well as listening to the doctors, I've been analyzing myself as well. Trying to figure out why I could be like this, extremely sensitive, be obsessed over the tiniest things, have panic attacks that keep me from doing anything in life.
I've considered countless possibilities. Were my expectations too high? Was I giving too much credit to others? Did I have too much confidence in others and not enough in myself? Was I too obsessed with what other think of me? Was I a hypchocondriac, just lying to myself that I was mentally ill? Was I simply not motivated? Was I overanalyzing myself?
Thesea are probably the simplest examples I could think of, I couldn't possibly come close to telling you how much thinking I've done.
I would like to think if it really was something to do with my way of thinking, I would have figured it out after 10 fucking years of analyzing myself. At this point, I can tell EXACTLY what goes on in my brain that causes my issues. I am also COMPLETELY aware of myself and my surrounding when I'm having panic attacks. It's like my mind is clear but my body is just going through a crisis, like a healthy person stuck in a sick body. I've gotten SO FAR in terms of awareness, yet there is just no solution to any of this.
But... who cares... they won't give me a disability report... any psychiatrist or psychologist immediately disregards my thoughts... and I probably will be enlisted in the future for mandatory military service, because I cannot convince people that I am unfit... and you know I'll show people at the military something pretty fucking hilarious once they put any gun in my hand.
So uhh, if anyone is reading this, before continuing I greatly appreciate you, for hearing me out. Shouldn't be easy reading all of that I imagine.
I uhh... I'm... well, after all the things I've been through with countless treatments not working and people not believing me, it would be suffice to say I... I just don't feel human anymore.
Like... me being right and hundreds of others wrong? That shouldn't be possible, yet it is... I mean, the reason I disregarded my own thoughts and listened to the doctors for years in the first place is because I thought it not possible but... it seems like that's just what's happening...
It's just... nothing makes sense... none of this makes sense. It's like I have this aura around me and reality just bends around me and everything just... becomes the opposite... or something, it's really hard to explain... like anything that would work for a normal human being just doesn't work me...
I cannot... quite come into terms with any of this. People still tell me stuff like... ''It's because I don't believe in the treatment'' ''It's because I quit too early'' ''I have to do something I love" dumb shit like that... and I wish I could just completely remove all of these people and all of these advices from my life but there is just still a very tiny part of me inside that still cares about these advices, like a tiny bit of ''normal human'' left inside of me. I wish I could completely purge it.
And as you can see everyone I'm... I'm still writing in the ''recovery'' forum... even though I'm... beyond exhausted.
I just... wish I could completely give up... and fucking end myself but... it's like there's some code in my body that... forces me to still search for an answer, even though I don't want to anymore.
What do I do guys... I mean... I'm just... done, completely. I don't want anything... like, naturally, after a life-time of torture it caused, I just do not want to seek treatment anymore, I do not want to try to get better. And I do not want to die either because I'm scared shitless of death. I'm just... I'm just in pain... I'm just in immeasurable pain... Nobody but my mother believes me... everyone just keeps talking like they know what I've been through... I cannot go to school, cannot go to work, have absolutely no hobby other than playing video games, watching youtube and listening to music, nothing I can make money out of...
Am I really the one to blame...? Was all of this... really all my fault...?
Does anyone have any advice for me... I mean... to be honest I'm so lost, I don't even know what I need advice for... maybe an advice to numb the pain caused by all of this? The pain caused by years of failure, disappointment, the loneliness? Or maybe an actual treatment/recovery advice to get better? Or maybe just... an advice on how I can end all of this...
Thank you for sparing me your time. It means a lot, truly.
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