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quietly_gone
𝒔𝒑𝒖𝒕𝒏𝒊𝒌 𝒔𝒘𝒆𝒆𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒕 🪐
- May 9, 2023
- 78
I don't like any of these people and none of them like me either and I wish not getting along was our only issue. There's illness, addiction, abuse- to wake up every day only to realize I'm still under this roof makes me so miserable.
I wish my days didn't immediately start in tears, maybe then I could manage to work through all of this. If I was stronger I'd be able to leave all of them behind but I can't, financially or psychologically (please don't tell me I'm staying because I want to, I'm just venting and I don't like giving too many details about my situation. I'm truly stuck).
There's so much I'd grieve. I don't know what it is, love or duty. Maybe they're simply too good at making me internalize I'm a horrible person. I wonder what is the thing that makes me feel so tied to people that destroyed my sanity to pieces.
Sorry for another rant about the same thing. My mom is hospitalized. We're waiting for our state to find her a spot at a bigger place so she can have a surgery done. It's apparently nothing much, but I'm not feeling very positive. As I've said, we have a history of illnesses. I'm spending every minute I can with her because I understand how draining it can be to stay alone in an empty hospital room, and I'm trying to not let my brothers put her under any more stress. They want money, they want the keys to the house that they can't take care of (and often steal from/let strangers in) and I'm doing what I can to be here and there almost simultaneously.
I'm so stressed I can barely take care of my own body, I already suck at doing that in normal circumstances because of depression but now I just don't have the time. I feel weak in every sense of the word. I'm tired of people staring because I look horrible and messy. And I have to keep up appearances when my friends try texting me because if anyone realizes I'm thinking about suicide again it's going to be such a pain to hear any kind of pep talk.
I keep thinking about how I hid my pain so well people don't know the extent of it, don't know how fucked up my family is, don't know how many times I've attempted and how deep my depressive episodes go. I hid it so well they think it's all solvable. I don't want to tell them the truth though. I don't want to burden anyone. They're going through stuff too.
I hate the fact that there's another day to live tomorrow, my chest hurts just thinking about it.
I wish my days didn't immediately start in tears, maybe then I could manage to work through all of this. If I was stronger I'd be able to leave all of them behind but I can't, financially or psychologically (please don't tell me I'm staying because I want to, I'm just venting and I don't like giving too many details about my situation. I'm truly stuck).
There's so much I'd grieve. I don't know what it is, love or duty. Maybe they're simply too good at making me internalize I'm a horrible person. I wonder what is the thing that makes me feel so tied to people that destroyed my sanity to pieces.
Sorry for another rant about the same thing. My mom is hospitalized. We're waiting for our state to find her a spot at a bigger place so she can have a surgery done. It's apparently nothing much, but I'm not feeling very positive. As I've said, we have a history of illnesses. I'm spending every minute I can with her because I understand how draining it can be to stay alone in an empty hospital room, and I'm trying to not let my brothers put her under any more stress. They want money, they want the keys to the house that they can't take care of (and often steal from/let strangers in) and I'm doing what I can to be here and there almost simultaneously.
I'm so stressed I can barely take care of my own body, I already suck at doing that in normal circumstances because of depression but now I just don't have the time. I feel weak in every sense of the word. I'm tired of people staring because I look horrible and messy. And I have to keep up appearances when my friends try texting me because if anyone realizes I'm thinking about suicide again it's going to be such a pain to hear any kind of pep talk.
I keep thinking about how I hid my pain so well people don't know the extent of it, don't know how fucked up my family is, don't know how many times I've attempted and how deep my depressive episodes go. I hid it so well they think it's all solvable. I don't want to tell them the truth though. I don't want to burden anyone. They're going through stuff too.
I hate the fact that there's another day to live tomorrow, my chest hurts just thinking about it.