Venting Why they make it so hard to find a method

[heiwa2]

Iam new here. I have been suicidal after dropping out of college, since then I have been a pessimist looking at everything as meaningless. Few months ago I did make an attempt ( I wouldn't even like to call it an attempt because it was fucking stupid). Basically I wanted to achieve asphyxia by blocking airway. So my plan was to put cotton in nose, take 30mg of lorazepam ( to knock me out), put tape on mouth and then go to sleep. I know it's a non method but back then I didn't know better. After taking the tablets my si kicked in and I stopped but thanks to that now my family members know that iam suicidal so they check on me, making it hard to plan anything. Iam 18 years old and I feel like an unc, I live with my family. Buying salts doesn't seems possible to me cause they are hard to get. There are no High enough places here, so jumping is not an option. For hanging I need an empty place which I don't have access to. I can't try gases either cause I don't live alone. I tried ligature strangulation but, I never loose consciousness from that. If I had Nembutal I would end it right now. So basically iam so incompetent that I can't even die. To me non existence always seems better than existence, you might have heard of Benetars argument that absence of pain is good ( even if no one experiences it), while the absence of pleasure is only bad if someone exists to be deprived of it. Still the society has made it so hard for one to find a method to end their existence. When I had heard of sarco pods ( suicide pots) getting legalized in Switzerland, I was so jealous. I think everyone should be provided an option if they want to exist or not, but the world just wants us to suffer.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand as no matter what I'll just always prefer the peace of non-existence over the suffering of this torturous, futile existence, for me non-existence is just all that's desirable, to me only being permanently free from all pain and suffering could ever be positive, I see so much terrible extreme cruelty how we exist in this horrific reality where the suffering and torture of existing is seen as to force and prolong no matter what.

All anti-suicide does is just cause way more torture and suffering, denying the option to cease existing painlessly is such a terrible crime to me, it's just so horrific how so many want others to be tortured in this existence for as much and long as possible.