Venting Why TF can't I bear a few minutes of pain when my whole life is painful ?

[illAF]

So here I am, again in a psy clinic, not even able to wash myself, stuck in bed all day long.
It's been 12 years now. 12 years of going to the hospital, being a zombie for several months, then trying my best to rebuilt a life and then crashing again, and being put again in a mental hospital. 12 fucking years ! I can't even count the numbers of hospitalizations I've been through. No joke !
I don't even know why I'm like that. I don't even have a proper diagnostic.

Thing is, maybe in my inner self, I don't want to heal. Cause life is too unbearable. Maybe it's just that. Not WANTING to heal. Or maybe I've just been brainwashed by all the people who told me I refuse the "help" and am "afraid to heal".

So here I am. Having two possible ways out (jumping and partial). But I just can't. Every time I try partial I don't go far. I'm so fucking anxious about everything and chocking is my worst fear. I tried and tried again but not even capable of starting to feel dizzy, I stop everything before.
And here I am, every night before they close the door, thinking about that cab I could grab and that bridge I could jump from. But I don't. I don't grab that cab. Cause I know I won't be able to jump.

I am so sick of myself. I am so sick. And I don't understand why I can't bear a few minutes of suffering to ctb while my whole life is suffering. Why ? Why am I like that ? How many hospitalisations will I still have to endure if I can't manage to kill myself ?

Sorry, I'm new here and maybe that's a lot. But I guess that I needed to "empty" myself. I don't even know the definition of "venting" so I hope it's okay to write these kind of things in a thread. If not, I'm really sorry

Thank you for those (?) who will read that. Sorry for my english (not my native language) and sorry for all the complaining...

 

[DutchMister1488]

Survival instinct hits hart
feel free to send me a dm tommorow i can perhabs help if you live in Europe

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really horrible what you've been through, I do understand that it's so awful and tiring feeling trapped here when you wish to be gone, existing here certainly is so torturous and I hate how it's this difficult to finally die, it should really be easier to finally escape from all the suffering.

 

[illAF]

That sounds really horrible what you've been through, I do understand that it's so awful and tiring feeling trapped here when you wish to be gone, existing here certainly is so torturous and I hate how it's this difficult to finally die, it should really be easier to finally escape from all the suffering.

Yeah, we didn't choose to live, we should ALL have the right to die painlessly whenever we want.

 

[ArchmagePrincess]

I don't really think you get more resilient going through horrible things you become more tired and vulnerable to suffering. If your entire life is suffering even a small issue can be that straw that breaks the camel's back.

That being said I don't think being hospitalized and unable to wash yourself and being told it's all your fault and that you're afraid to heal and all, that doesn't sound like a small amount of suffering. You're going through a lot right now and people are being disrespectful and awful to you on top of it, without even a proper diagnosis.

Try and be kind to yourself when no one else is. Living this way and attempting to CTB for 12 years is unbelievably hard to go through. This isn't your fault, you just live in a world that is cruel to you and the system designed to help you clearly hasn't been.

(Also venting is like letting out the hot air trapped inside something, so like expressing a lot of negative emotions in one burst to empty yourself like you said. You did it right.)

 

[illAF]

I don't really think you get more resilient going through horrible things you become more tired and vulnerable to suffering. If your entire life is suffering even a small issue can be that straw that breaks the camel's back.

That being said I don't think being hospitalized and unable to wash yourself and being told it's all your fault and that you're afraid to heal and all, that doesn't sound like a small amount of suffering. You're going through a lot right now and people are being disrespectful and awful to you on top of it, without even a proper diagnosis.

Try and be kind to yourself when no one else is. Living this way and attempting to CTB for 12 years is unbelievably hard to go through. This isn't your fault, you just live in a world that is cruel to you and the system designed to help you clearly hasn't been.

(Also venting is like letting out the hot air trapped inside something, so like expressing a lot of negative emotions in one burst to empty yourself like you said. You did it right.)

Thank you so much for your kind words and your support.

I don't really think you get more resilient going through horrible things you become more tired and vulnerable to suffering. If your entire life is suffering even a small issue can be that straw that breaks the camel's back.

That being said I don't think being hospitalized and unable to wash yourself and being told it's all your fault and that you're afraid to heal and all, that doesn't sound like a small amount of suffering. You're going through a lot right now and people are being disrespectful and awful to you on top of it, without even a proper diagnosis.

Try and be kind to yourself when no one else is. Living this way and attempting to CTB for 12 years is unbelievably hard to go through. This isn't your fault, you just live in a world that is cruel to you and the system designed to help you clearly hasn't been.

(Also venting is like letting out the hot air trapped inside something, so like expressing a lot of negative emotions in one burst to empty yourself like you said. You did it right.)

I also think I'm not getting resilient through all these hospitalisation but just more and more vulnerable and fragile.

Also, it appears to be clearly normal in here to tell me I don't make any effort. And somehow I came to believe them. Maybe I could do the effort to shower and go to their fucking activities But i can't. Its like I'm stuck with the idea of dying and I can't manage to bring my brain to think differently.

 

[josephk]

So here I am, again in a psy clinic, not even able to wash myself, stuck in bed all day long.
It's been 12 years now. 12 years of going to the hospital, being a zombie for several months, then trying my best to rebuilt a life and then crashing again, and being put again in a mental hospital. 12 fucking years ! I can't even count the numbers of hospitalizations I've been through. No joke !
I don't even know why I'm like that. I don't even have a proper diagnostic.

Thing is, maybe in my inner self, I don't want to heal. Cause life is too unbearable. Maybe it's just that. Not WANTING to heal. Or maybe I've just been brainwashed by all the people who told me I refuse the "help" and am "afraid to heal".

So here I am. Having two possible ways out (jumping and partial). But I just can't. Every time I try partial I don't go far. I'm so fucking anxious about everything and chocking is my worst fear. I tried and tried again but not even capable of starting to feel dizzy, I stop everything before.
And here I am, every night before they close the door, thinking about that cab I could grab and that bridge I could jump from. But I don't. I don't grab that cab. Cause I know I won't be able to jump.

I am so sick of myself. I am so sick. And I don't understand why I can't bear a few minutes of suffering to ctb while my whole life is suffering. Why ? Why am I like that ? How many hospitalisations will I still have to endure if I can't manage to kill myself ?

Sorry, I'm new here and maybe that's a lot. But I guess that I needed to "empty" myself. I don't even know the definition of "venting" so I hope it's okay to write these kind of things in a thread. If not, I'm really sorry

Thank you for those (?) who will read that. Sorry for my english (not my native language) and sorry for all the complaining...

you make a good point that has occurred to me before. Why am I scared into inaction when it comes to ctb ? yet am prepared to continue & face the inevitable indignities that life will throw at me which will no doubt be more painful than ctb. I guess that's the survival instinct kicking in & it means I'm not ready yet. I think I'm also hoping against hope that I'm going to die suddenly, quickly and painlessly. There are other considerations for me regarding loved ones. How it would affect them. None of which changes the fact that I'm too scared to attempt ctb anyway

 

[illAF]

you make a good point that has occurred to me before. Why am I scared into inaction when it comes to ctb ? yet am prepared to continue & face the inevitable indignities that life will throw at me which will no doubt be more painful than ctb. I guess that's the survival instinct kicking in & it means I'm not ready yet. I think I'm also hoping against hope that I'm going to die suddenly, quickly and painlessly. There are other considerations for me regarding loved ones. How it would affect them. None of which changes the fact that I'm too scared to attempt ctb anyway

Maybe it means that I'm not ready neither... But then I get really mad against myself for not being able to do it. As for the loved ones, maybe I'm really selfish but I'm at a point where I don't really care.

Survival instinct hits hart
feel free to send me a dm tommorow i can perhabs help if you live in Europe

Yep I'm in Europe. I will have to read the rules as I'm new here I don't even know how to dm and I'm not on a computer but on my phone, which I find more difficult to access to everything. But thank you for offering your help, I will try to reach you tomorrow

 

[DutchMister1488]

Maybe it means that I'm not ready neither... But then I get really mad against myself for not being able to do it. As for the loved ones, maybe I'm really selfish but I'm at a point where I don't really care.

Yep I'm in Europe. I will have to read the rules as I'm new here I don't even know how to dm and I'm not on a computer but on my phone, which I find more difficult to access to everything. But thank you for offering your help, I will try to reach you tomorrow

Yw you need atleast 5 messages / posts and 24 hours online before you can chat

 

[drownll]

I don't really think you get more resilient going through horrible things you become more tired and vulnerable to suffering. If your entire life is suffering even a small issue can be that straw that breaks the camel's back.

That being said I don't think being hospitalized and unable to wash yourself and being told it's all your fault and that you're afraid to heal and all, that doesn't sound like a small amount of suffering. You're going through a lot right now and people are being disrespectful and awful to you on top of it, without even a proper diagnosis.

Try and be kind to yourself when no one else is. Living this way and attempting to CTB for 12 years is unbelievably hard to go through. This isn't your fault, you just live in a world that is cruel to you and the system designed to help you clearly hasn't been.

(Also venting is like letting out the hot air trapped inside something, so like expressing a lot of negative emotions in one burst to empty yourself like you said. You did it right.)

THIS
I used to think that my suffering would "forge" me but it gets worse and worse. My life is so shit i'm on the verge, the slightest drop of pain could make me pop off.