Lost in a Dream
He/him - Metal head
- Feb 22, 2020
- 1,771
As we all know, the pro-lifers and forced lifers like to say, "It will get better" when they encounter people like us. Sometimes it is true, but other times it's not. The fact is, not everyone is going to be able to recover from the circumstances that caused them to be suicidal. Even if they do, it's only a matter of time before things get bad again. That is just how life is.
Sometimes it seems like "Recovery" isn't even properly defined. What does it mean and is it achievable? Maybe it means different things to different people. When you recover, does it mean that you find permanent happiness that never goes away, or does it mean that you have found a temporary moment in your life where you feel content? If it is the latter, then I suppose you should enjoy it while it lasts because eventually something else is going to come along and destabilize everything, causing the suicidal feelings to return.
Even though there is a possibility of things getting better, how many times do things need to get bad again before giving up makes sense? Life for me and everyone else seems to be a lot like the weather. We all have our high moments where things are pleasant and we feel happy. We also have our lows where things suck, but for some of us, our lows look a lot like this:
Does recovery mean that you have rebuilt your house after every storm? Maybe, but how many storms do we have to survive before rebuilding becomes pointless? In my opinion, I think it varies from one person to the next, since we all have a different tolerance level for how much we can handle, but regardless of this fact, the forced lifers would demand that we rebuild no matter what, even if that means threatening us with a taser if we do not comply (They wouldn't use a gun since they are supposedly pro-life, would they? It might ruin their image if they do; they are supposed to be the heroes, remember?
).
In my case, I have already accepted the fact that I am going to CTB at some point. Since I have been pro-choice for a long time, I've decided that the correct answer for me is "Yes." It doesn't necessarily mean that I want to do it right now, but I'm saving this option for later. Life for me does seem to be improving and I am hoping that I will get to a stable point that lasts for a while. I don't know what will happen the next time things get bad again. It really depends on what sort of thing happens to me whether or not I say fuck it and get on the bus or stick around. Not every tornado is going to be an EF5, so maybe I could handle it if the situation isn't too bad, but if the next one is, then maybe it will be time to leave.
I do feel like everyone should try everything they possibly can to find happiness, even if it's temporary, because it would be unfortunate if someone got on the bus when there could have been a better solution that they weren't aware of. I say that because it is what I am trying to do right now. I feel like I have finally found a medication that is helping and I have made progress with my therapist. I am fortunate that I found a good one, since not everyone does and I have had some bad ones in the past. In the end, these things aren't going to cure the depression that I have, but they might make it more tolerable to handle. I've found that I don't beat myself up over every single mistake these days and I don't feel the desire to impulsively commit suicide on a regular basis either, but all I have managed to do is stabilize things temporarily until the next storm comes.
Meds and therapy are NOT going to rid the world of corruption, cruelty, terminal illness, pandemics, natural disasters, or the assholes that make others miserable, therefore, my depression can't be cured because those things are the cause of it and the knowledge that attempting to fix the world is futile is what causes it to be permanent. If there was a magic pill that could fix all of those things, then I would be cured and so would everyone else, but there is no such pill.
I've had these thoughts in my head for a while and despite how good my therapist is, if I try to bring all of this up, she will want to redirect the conversation to something more positive because discussing these things is… depressing (Omg, who would have thought?). I know she means well since I told her about my plan to CTB a year ago, but was not forcefully hospitalized. I wish everyone could have a therapist like this because the good ones want to try to fix the problems that caused the suicidal thoughts, rather than locking patients away for a profit. I feel like this place is the best location to write this all out and share it with like-minded people. What are your thoughts on this? Do you think recovery is possible? What do you even think it means?
Sometimes it seems like "Recovery" isn't even properly defined. What does it mean and is it achievable? Maybe it means different things to different people. When you recover, does it mean that you find permanent happiness that never goes away, or does it mean that you have found a temporary moment in your life where you feel content? If it is the latter, then I suppose you should enjoy it while it lasts because eventually something else is going to come along and destabilize everything, causing the suicidal feelings to return.
Even though there is a possibility of things getting better, how many times do things need to get bad again before giving up makes sense? Life for me and everyone else seems to be a lot like the weather. We all have our high moments where things are pleasant and we feel happy. We also have our lows where things suck, but for some of us, our lows look a lot like this:
Does recovery mean that you have rebuilt your house after every storm? Maybe, but how many storms do we have to survive before rebuilding becomes pointless? In my opinion, I think it varies from one person to the next, since we all have a different tolerance level for how much we can handle, but regardless of this fact, the forced lifers would demand that we rebuild no matter what, even if that means threatening us with a taser if we do not comply (They wouldn't use a gun since they are supposedly pro-life, would they? It might ruin their image if they do; they are supposed to be the heroes, remember?
).In my case, I have already accepted the fact that I am going to CTB at some point. Since I have been pro-choice for a long time, I've decided that the correct answer for me is "Yes." It doesn't necessarily mean that I want to do it right now, but I'm saving this option for later. Life for me does seem to be improving and I am hoping that I will get to a stable point that lasts for a while. I don't know what will happen the next time things get bad again. It really depends on what sort of thing happens to me whether or not I say fuck it and get on the bus or stick around. Not every tornado is going to be an EF5, so maybe I could handle it if the situation isn't too bad, but if the next one is, then maybe it will be time to leave.
I do feel like everyone should try everything they possibly can to find happiness, even if it's temporary, because it would be unfortunate if someone got on the bus when there could have been a better solution that they weren't aware of. I say that because it is what I am trying to do right now. I feel like I have finally found a medication that is helping and I have made progress with my therapist. I am fortunate that I found a good one, since not everyone does and I have had some bad ones in the past. In the end, these things aren't going to cure the depression that I have, but they might make it more tolerable to handle. I've found that I don't beat myself up over every single mistake these days and I don't feel the desire to impulsively commit suicide on a regular basis either, but all I have managed to do is stabilize things temporarily until the next storm comes.
Meds and therapy are NOT going to rid the world of corruption, cruelty, terminal illness, pandemics, natural disasters, or the assholes that make others miserable, therefore, my depression can't be cured because those things are the cause of it and the knowledge that attempting to fix the world is futile is what causes it to be permanent. If there was a magic pill that could fix all of those things, then I would be cured and so would everyone else, but there is no such pill.
I've had these thoughts in my head for a while and despite how good my therapist is, if I try to bring all of this up, she will want to redirect the conversation to something more positive because discussing these things is… depressing (Omg, who would have thought?). I know she means well since I told her about my plan to CTB a year ago, but was not forcefully hospitalized. I wish everyone could have a therapist like this because the good ones want to try to fix the problems that caused the suicidal thoughts, rather than locking patients away for a profit. I feel like this place is the best location to write this all out and share it with like-minded people. What are your thoughts on this? Do you think recovery is possible? What do you even think it means?
