Venting Why me?

[Noctis]

Out of the billions of people on Earth, why did my parents have to find each other? And out of the trillions of combinations of their genetic contribution, why did I get this result? A depressed introvert who hates himself more than anything except the idea of pain so he's stuck here in a miserable existence because he's too much of a coward to do anything about it?

I told my wife everything. How fucked up I am. That at no point in my life was I happy that I exist, that I wouldn't prefer to be never born at all, even if the best days of my life. That around 75% of the time, I want to die but I'm too scared to do it myself.

I knew she battled with depression. I knew she had thought about suicide before, we've talked about that. I thought she would understand. She did not. She said she thinks about suicide maybe a few times a year, usually when something really bad happens. She was appalled to hear I think about it every single day of my life. Yes, even on the happiest day you can ever think of, I thought about dying at some point that day.

So, I don't even have the garden variety depression. I have the extra-strength fuck you version that makes me want to kill myself. Why? Out of the literally quadrillions of possibilities of being a human, why the fuck was I given this one? At least if I was worse, I'd get the courage to use a 12 gauge as a lollipop.

I try my best to be a positive person. I put in so much fucking effort to leave this world better than I found it. I genuinely try to give everyone the empathy and compassion they deserve as human beings. I am a good person (at least I think so). So what the fuck did I do to deserve this? Why couldn't I just have been normal?

This is such bullshit. I hate it here.

 

[FuneralCry]

Life is very cruel and unfair and I also see it as better to never be born in the first place. Existence itself is the cause of all suffering. I'm sorry you have to go through all this. It can be dreadful living a painful existence. I wish you the best.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

So, I don't even have the garden variety depression. I have the extra-strength fuck you version that makes me want to kill myself. Why? Out of the literally quadrillions of possibilities of being a human, why the fuck was I given this one?

What's missing from your statistical analysis is just how many of the quadrillions of possibilities include suffering and pain. I can't arrive at an exact number, but I'm going to say a vast majority. As @FuneralCry mentioned, existence is pain.

I'm sorry you're in such pain, especially after giving so much to the world. Believe me, I feel that very much.

 

[nowayout*]

I feel like I'm as low as i can go. Fucked up my life pretty good but can't seem to find the courage to end it. If it wasn't for my amazing husband and daughter maybe i would be able to find it. Being stuck sucks.

 

[Rational man]

I used to think like this shortly after i became ill. Life was good and then i got ill....why me ?. Then i started counting the number of people I knew who have died before me. 3 by suicide, many by road accidents and many by sickness. Many in their early 20s. So.why.NOT ME?

 

[9BBN]

Something I've learned the hard way is that when you tell your loved ones that you wish you'd never been born, they often take it personally, because they are a part of your lived experience that you would choose against. There are nuances to reactions, so it's possible she is actually grieving over how she might feel incompetent at swaying your experience. So for the sake of your relationship, it might be worth reminding her how much you love her and how happy she makes you. Your depression is neither of your fault. Hopefully that helps both of you. It's hard enough to worry about your anguish, so if you can, try not to let either of you dwell on whether it's karma (it isn't).

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

Something I've learned the hard way is that when you tell your loved ones that you wish you'd never been born, they often take it personally, because they are a part of your lived experience that you would choose against. There are nuances to reactions, so it's possible she is actually grieving over how she might feel incompetent at swaying your experience. So for the sake of your relationship, it might be worth reminding her how much you love her and how happy she makes you. Your depression is neither of your fault. Hopefully that helps both of you. It's hard enough to worry about your anguish, so if you can, try not to let either of you dwell on whether it's karma (it isn't).

This is very true. I'd like to share my feelings with my husband (because you should be able to share everything) but know that I can't because it would be too much for him.

Honestly, I'd like to tell him that I wish we never married. I don't mean that negatively towards him. I mean that I'm sorry that I dragged him into my shitstorm of a situation. I wish he didn't have to deal with my depression, shitty life decisions, and everything else wrong with my life.

But I know that he will take it as a condemnation of our relationship; that he is somehow inadequate, or that I don't love him enough. So I can't tell him.

I'd also like to tell my mother that I wish I was never born. I was an accident. A bastard child from a secret affair that should never have happened. I shouldn't be here. But to her, I'm her reason for living. So I can't tell her either.

 

[dreadpirateroberts69]

I'd also like to tell my mother that I wish I was never born. I was an accident. A bastard child from a secret affair that should never have happened. I shouldn't be here. But to her, I'm her reason for living. So I can't tell her either.

Yeah, I tried telling my mom this. It didn't go well. She was hysterical. Would not recommend.

I really feel this op. Nothing is fair because everything about this existence is absurd and random. I don't think I will ever get over that either. I can't see myself ever being happy or at peace with who I am. And the only person who really understands that I can talk about it with is my sister. Everyone else in my life would freak the fuck out. I know she would be devastated if I ctb too though.