Venting Why me

[javie33]

I'm so tired of being me I can pretend to be cis all I want to I can lie to everyone and pretend I'm fine I will never be a real man ill spend my whole life injecting my self with testosterone I can got through years of legal shit to change my gender but I'll never be and actual man ill never go through a regular male puberty I can call myself whatever I want and cut my hair over and over but people will never see me a real boy ill always be the trans man never just a man I have to try so hard to be myself getting on hrt surgery I have to risk my life to live my true self and with that all and said no one will ever love me as a boy no girl will ever date me without saying she is gay no guy will even bend over for me bc I'm a girl ill never be able to have kids that look like me that I can conceive with the love of my life my future wife ill never be able to be called dad by a kid that looks like me and my wife together ill never have a pregnancy scare as a 20 something year old I know this sounds stupid but I atleast want the option to have random boners at unconvince times like in class or at a function i want the option to accidentally get a one night stand pregnant ill never be able to bc I'm not a real man no matter how much I say iam no matter how much I lie I'm still a girl and that's a pain I wouldn't wish on any fucking body it's a pain so deep Inside that it's caused me to try to end my life several times ofc I failed bc I can't do anything right now I'm stuck here in this body regretting not taking the gun sna blowing my brains out right there ill lie online about my gender ill pretend I'm cis till the end of time but in the end it doesn't matter bc I'm a girl ill always be one bc thats how it is why me why do I have to be like this why fucking why i constantly get misgendered at work everyday I get reminded I'll never be a guy I'm not writing this so get pity or anything I just really need to get my thoughts out of my head

 

[carac]

I can't begin to understand what you are going through and I'm sure you have been told this before and are sick of hearing but I'm just going to be blunt with you. You need to stop focusing on want you can't do and look at what you can do

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Hello @javie33,
I'm so sorry what you're going through. I'm not trans or don't have any friend who is a trans man, but one of my friends are a trans woman and she said "my life is a torture." She has made multiple CTB attempts in her life and she's still suicidal, but I couldn't offer any hope, because it seemed to be genuinely hopeless - I believe and have told her "trans women are women" repeatedly, but I know it's not enough in this cruel world. (And of course, trans men are men.)

I'm afraid your life is worse. You've experienced really traumatic moment you told us on another thread. Please know that it was never your fault - it was her choice.

no one will ever love me as a boy no girl will ever date me without saying she is gay no guy will even bend over for me bc I'm a girl ill never be able to have kids that look like me that I can conceive with the love of my life

why i constantly get misgendered at work everyday I get reminded I'll never be a guy

These experiences are particularly hard I guess. I can't offer any hope because I'm against "false hope" and this world is so cruel and unfair. I'm so sorry for that, it's understandable that sometimes you see CTBing as the only option.

You definitely has choice but please know that you also have a voice

 

[AllFoxedOut]

that experience sounds like pure torture. I'm sorry life has been so unfair to you.