Why is life so unfair?

[SomewhereAlongThe]

There are people that are much better looking, wealthier, healthier and far ahead in life. Meanwhile I just lay here in bed everyday for the past 9 months trying to figure out what I'm good at, but I've come up with nothing. I'm cursed with Autism and Bipolar. A lot of who I am is predetermined by my genetic makeup. That's awful and unfair, and yea well life is unfair I get it, but it doesn't hurt any less. Watching other people tread around with their blessings and talents breaks my heart. I thought maybe I'll be altruistic and help others, but I don't think my heart is big enough to give and get nothing in return. I've tried comforting people on the suicide watch subreddit but it feels empty. Nobody really responds and lets you know you helped them. Maybe I'm expecting too much, which means It's not meant for me in the first place.

Existence is plagued with inequalities for the sake of evolutionary advantage, unfortunately it is survival of the fittest, and I am not fit enough to continue to carry out a miserable existence.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

Don't feel like your compassion was wasted. Most people that want to die just simply don't wish to be helped. Like you, we've realized that life is nothing but a lottery that we don't have winning tickets for.

 

[ViniTerrible]

I can feel you as someone who born in 3rd world shithole with impossible chance to leave, in dirt poor family and even worse with health issues. I easily get jealous with others. life is so unfair so so insanely unfair.

 

[Overwhelmed52]

Life is definitely unfair for a lot of us. For me, it feels like there is something missing that keeps me from being able to put all of the pieces of myself together and fit in with the real world. Why that something is missing for me, I don't know. It's good that you want to do good things. Keep at it and it will come back to benefit you eventually.

 

[ShatteredSerenity]

I'm also cursed with autism and bipolar I, along with a healthy dose of adhd and childhood trauma. I managed to "make it" in life in many ways (wife, kids, house, career, money), but I was always struggling emotionally and with relationships, and I ended up loosing everything in the end thanks to bipolar.

It's unfair that I tried so hard to work through my issues and adapt to the demands of society, but society is built for normal people and I never had the support I needed to thrive. I don't have anything against the people who fit in and succeed, but it hurts to know that I've been excluded from that world by genetics and mental illness.

I spent many years working on things that benefitted other people, it was rewarding and made life worth living. Bipolar has finally done me in, though, I have nothing left to live for and a steadily declining mental state. Autism leaves me with no meaningful emotional support network. I tried my best to hang on as long as I could and do good things in the world, but it's no longer a life worth living.

 

[SomewhereAlongThe]

I'm also cursed with autism and bipolar I, along with a healthy dose of adhd and childhood trauma. I managed to "make it" in life in many ways (wife, kids, house, career, money), but I was always struggling emotionally and with relationships, and I ended up loosing everything in the end thanks to bipolar.

It's unfair that I tried so hard to work through my issues and adapt to the demands of society, but society is built for normal people and I never had the support I needed to thrive. I don't have anything against the people who fit in and succeed, but it hurts to know that I've been excluded from that world by genetics and mental illness.

I spent many years working on things that benefitted other people, it was rewarding and made life worth living. Bipolar has finally done me in, though, I have nothing left to live for and a steadily declining mental state. Autism leaves me with no meaningful emotional support network. I tried my best to hang on as long as I could and do good things in the world, but it's no longer a life worth living.

"I talk to God But the Sky is empty" That resonates with me. I stopped believing in God a long time ago.

I am so sorry that bipolar kicked you in the gut. I just got diagnosed with it 9 months ago, I've been taking medication to stabilize me and it seems to really work. I know what it's like to struggle with your emotions and relationships, and it's not fun. I usually feel outcasted and alone due to my Autism. I'm sorry you didn't get the support that you needed, you deserve it.

I hear you and I hear why you're choosing to ctb, it's very sad because you've accomplished a lot and you deserve better than this ending, but at the same time I understand what it's like to feel like life is no longer worth living.

I wish you all the best

 

[ShatteredSerenity]

Heh, I also just got my bipolar diagnosis about 10 months ago, at age 42.

It came as a complete shock to me and everybody who knew me since I was successful and never had any obvious symptoms before. One day out of nowhere I started having a manic episode, probably triggered by antidepressants. I started having delusions and couldn't sleep, then I had a horrible psychotic break that terrified my wife. I got picked up 3 times by the police and hauled into the involuntary psych unit, which was seriously traumatic. They formally diagnosed me as bipolar in the hospital, although it was obvious to anybody who had a clue about bipolar mania.

Unfortunately I refused to believe the doctors, police, friends, and family who were all telling me I had bipolar. I kept insisting that it was a mix of autism, stress, and sleep deprivation. I didn't deny I was manic, but I only half heartedly took meds and eventually stopped. If only I could go back and take those meds!!! Biggest single mistake of my life. I might have avoided the most horribly damaging things I did to destroy my life. I might have salvaged my marriage. I might have over a million dollars left in the bank, instead of impending bankruptcy. I might still have some friends.

But I didn't take meds, so the mania continued unimpeded until it finally ran it's course this summer. I slowly started to recognize the delusions and grasp the magnitute of what I'd done. That gutted me, I never had the slightest clue such a horrible thing could happen with zero warning. I plummeted into deep depression, could barely walk. I started taking meds, I'm up to 5 of them now. Meds pulled me off rock bottom, but I'm still severly depressed.

I think I've just gone through too much for meds, therapy, or anything else at this point. Separating from my wife and kids is the hardest part, they were all I was living for. It's so difficult to meet new people with autism, I don't have the energy for it anymore. I don't want to go back to being single for the rest of my life, but nobody in their right mind will want to be with me anymore.

I had an interesting life, I feel like this is a reasonable point to end it before things decline even further.

 

[Leichter Kampfwagen]

This might sound tone deaf or condescending or out of touch or whatever, but the things that you listed are not impenetrable shields that depression or suicide are no match for. Plenty of good looking, wealthy, and healthy people want to die or kill themselves every day. That's not to say that not having those things isn't a reason to want to die, it's just that having them isn't a reason to not want to die, if that makes sense.

I'm not sure I'm good looking but I don't think I'd be considered "ugly," I am wealthy compared to 95+% of the world, healthy, and far ahead (or at least I was) in life. Knowing that you have everything that you could ever want and still wanting to die is pretty confusing and makes you feel like an ungrateful piece of shit and that what you're experiencing isn't real. It's like if not finishing your vegetables while there are starving kids in Africa was a feeling. I don't feel sorry for myself, I hate myself.

I feel like I'm writing this more for me than for you, but who knows maybe you'll get something out of it.

 

[FuneralCry]

It certainly feels so cruel to me how there's all this suffering in existing but anyway I wish you the best.

 

[VaporSelf]

some of us just lose the coin toss

 

[divinemistress36]

If you dont have good genetics and luck then you are fucked

 

[SomewhereAlongThe]

If you dont have good genetics and luck then you are fucked

Yep, my friend has it good. He has 2 very loving parents, wealth, and though he has autism, his parents let him live with them. It's not like he doesn't have a talent to keep him going through his days, he has artistic ability and 3D models and draws.

I guess I drew the short stick.