N
noname223
Archangel
- Aug 18, 2020
- 5,001
I really have problems to start studying or working. It really feels very very bad when I start these activities. It needs so much energy to overcome this feeling. I don't have this much problems to stay concentrated and focused. This still is a problem but not with this intensity than starting it. I think I have a lot of OCD when I start such an activity. I rather have problems to stop me from it when I am into the topic. I can be extremely eager and disciplined.
Though I feel so fucked up to force me almost every single day to start these activities. It feels like something would die inside myself. Lol. I am really good at torturing me you must know. I have learned twice in my life as much so that I developed a psychosis. (don't judge me I was manic) Sometimes I feel like I desevere the torture. I have once made a thread about it. (Not many have read it though) I have an ambivalent relation concerning torturing myself. I tend to be extreme in many of my activities. This was probably one reason for my psychosis. Torturing me only a little bit does not feel that good. Maybe another reason why I sometimes like torturing myself is I turn manic from that. And feeling manic can be qute nice. With torturing me I mean learning like more than 12 hours a day.
Though I feel so fucked up to force me almost every single day to start these activities. It feels like something would die inside myself. Lol. I am really good at torturing me you must know. I have learned twice in my life as much so that I developed a psychosis. (don't judge me I was manic) Sometimes I feel like I desevere the torture. I have once made a thread about it. (Not many have read it though) I have an ambivalent relation concerning torturing myself. I tend to be extreme in many of my activities. This was probably one reason for my psychosis. Torturing me only a little bit does not feel that good. Maybe another reason why I sometimes like torturing myself is I turn manic from that. And feeling manic can be qute nice. With torturing me I mean learning like more than 12 hours a day.