Venting Why is it always so hard to do

[Ivernia]

I've wanted to end it for ages but it always felt like there was something keeping me here, either that or someone was keeping me here. I've done sh for ages, I've gone out to bridges at 4 am, stood staring at canals not being able to pull myself away from them, been tempted to stab myself, wanted to OD, googled lakes in my area but I'm too scared to get myself to do it or just can't. Why is my SI so strong?? One time I made a bigger cut than usual and just started freaking out. why am I so scared? And I'm scared of death but it's like I feel willing to die if it means I can escape from the hell that I'm already in. I'm already in hell, I don't have to die first for that. I also hit myself on the head when things get really bad, or strike it with things or bash it off concrete walls. I don't know how to stop.
I also used certain things to cope while in school- pinging elastic bands against my wrist, scraping with different things. But then my classmates started gossiping about how they saw someone else do those things. I thought they wouldn't notice. Have they noticed me too? What am I supposed to do now?
I know people don't care now and it makes me want to die or even just attempt for them to possibly care? But even then who says they will?...
I told my dad I wanted to die and he got mad at me saying how I don't know how serious saying something like that is and that I don't know what it's like to lose someone (in a way I do, ig). He said he'd have to bring me to the hospital and was stressing the kind of burden this put on him because he'd feel like it was his fault if something happened to me. I didn't think about him caring so much, but I suppose he's experienced a lot of death in his life.
I feel so alone though
It doesn't feel like I'm meant to be here
It feels like life gave up on me, it screwed up and then said I didn't matter anyways
It doesn't feel like I'll ever find someone who really loves me
I've lost everything too, I wish things were normal like they used to be but I know they never will be again. Literally know for a fact they never will.
Sorry this is a bit of an everything rant.

 

[MyLifeisHell]

It's okay. I think everyone here, or most, can relate to the frustration you're describing. Some ways will challenge people a lot more than others even if it's all difficult.

When you say you lost everything, what do you mean?