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CupcakeGal

CupcakeGal

The time has come
Jan 14, 2025
6
I've had a crush on a guy for YEARS ever since we met in high school. He told me over a year ago now that it'd be cool to date me and that was one of the happiest days of my life. We eventually started kissing thinking we were gonna date, but everything was all temporary. The last time we kissed was January 17th of this year, and when he told me about his different views on some things in February, I didn't want to see him in person and I stopped talking to him for like 2 months. After talking about our differences in April, he told me that the cons were true. He then told me he was thinking about us kissing again and then later down the road we'll date, but he wasn't sure about that. It gave me hope that we would some day be together. Then we get to June.. he tells me that he doesn't feel the same way for me. All I could think about that day was suicide and that being my escape from the rejection. I love all the good things about him and I just don't see why he can't imagine himself being with me because we both have a deep love for video games. On the 14th of June, I tried to hang myself and I couldn't get it to work, but after putting socks on my neck, IT WAS WORKING. I would get lightheaded and SUPER wobbly, but sadly, that's the closest I got to passing out. I wanted to feel that again. I got another chance on the 20th of June, but it wasn't working, and for some reason, I told him and he then told my brother who then came home from work and called 911 on me. I ended up in the psych ward from the 20th to the 25th. He didn't think that he should be talking to me after I got released, so we didn't talk for a month. I told him when it was a month later that I couldn't forgive him for being a contributing factor for me ending up in the psych ward. I told him earlier that being at psych wards makes me feel worse and I get traumatized there, and he didn't listen. From that point on until now, we had some discussions here and there about us dating, and I was getting mixed messages. I sent him a long text of my thoughts and screenshots relating to what we've talked about and he responded to it. Basically, he said that he didn't see a relationship between us in that way anymore because he's busy, but I then asked further about that and he then told me later on that he imagines himself with me in certain aspects, but not others. The certain aspects he told me about, he told me that we can just do those things as friends. I asked him about a whole bunch of different things, but when he told me on Monday that I would be miserable dating him because I get frustrated when he doesn't respond for hours, I told him that everything doesn't matter now and that he doesn't have to respond to anything anymore. He told me yesterday (10/16) that he only has platonic feelings for me and not romantic feelings.

My suicidal feelings will DEFINITELY go away if he and I were dating. I wish things were different. Those nights of hugging and kissing.. that one night where we hugged longer than usual.. those days were also one of the happiest days of my life and I MISS THAT SO MUCH.

I just want to die. I can't put my romantic feelings aside this time because of what we've done and I just don't feel like I'm able to hangout with him now. I don't want to leave him either because he's the only actual friend who I want to talk and hangout with, but if I leave him, I'll have no one.

This post is in response to another post asking people why they're suicidal and if they would still be suicidal if the problem was solved.
 

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