Things have been bad over the last three years and keep getting worse. It's tough not to feel that I'm cursed. I'm bipolar, but for many months doctors thought I was schizophrenic (because psychotic episodes present the same way for both disorders).
Dealing with a stressful project at work, I noticed my imagination getting more and more vivid over a period of months. I was thinking in technicolor. I started getting paranoid. People were trying to set me up for failure and take advantage of me. This compounded with stress, a family member experiencing a serious, life-ruining illness landed them in the hospital for an extended stay. I snapped. I stopped being able to cope with reality and invented a imaginary world to escape, and my extremely overactive imagination filled in the blanks.
My delusion was that the matrix existed, created by the Illuminati, and we went through many lifetimes trying to find a way out. I began to believe I was psychic and communicating with those around me who were either helping me or supporting the Illuminati. Even more difficult was that the delusion tied in my whole life story and experiences like a perfect web of lies I couldn't get out of on my own. I lived like this for 4-6 months, under incredible stress, pretending to be normal, trying to figure out what to do.
It got to the point where I couldn't continue working. I acted out at work in a 1:1 meeting w a superior and they called in HR who told me to take 2 weeks off. It took 6 months of being off of work for the doctors to identify it was bipolar and not just a reaction to medication and not schizophrenia. This included a month long hospital stay.
It's not a surprise that the doctor thought I was schizophrenic at first. Bipolar can be just as bad when untreated. Bipolar takes so long to treat because lithium can kill you so they increase very slowly and do blood tests over the course of 3 or so months. So it took 1.5 years for me to go through all this and reach stability.
I spent a lot of time in the hospital laying in bed and taking walks. Nurses checking in a couple times a day. It was nice having time to relax after being so fraught, even if my delusions were still going on in the hospital. It took two to three weeks on anti-psychotics for my thoughts to calm down.
I did return to work eventually, in a less-stressful role, per an occupational therapist's suggestion. After a few months the occupational therapist said I could return to normal work. Work never put me back on normal projects. I'm assuming they didn't want me to be client facing, on the chance this could happen again. After a little less than a year, during which I have almost weekly doctor's visits, they told me they didn't need this role anymore and my position was terminated. Didn't want to pursue a human rights claim, even though the occupational therapist said I should, because I saw it being very exhausting, taking time away from my job search, and ruining the possibility of a few key references.
That's the story of mental illness stealing my sanity, my job, and my independence over the course of several years. It's no wonder that people turn to drugs after having their life fall apart year after year. I absolutely have PTSD and have flashbacks daily. I'm extremely lucky to have parents' support during this, so I won't become homeless.
About 1 in 5 bipolar people commits suicide, and I need to avoid that fate. Right now I can't afford to be independent, which is humiliating, and my living situation is certainly not non-toxic. It would be great if the universe gave me a sign that I should continue to be part of this society. I really need positive momentum, because my reserves are empty. I hope that 2020 involves me finding a good job so that I can become independent again.
Dealing with a stressful project at work, I noticed my imagination getting more and more vivid over a period of months. I was thinking in technicolor. I started getting paranoid. People were trying to set me up for failure and take advantage of me. This compounded with stress, a family member experiencing a serious, life-ruining illness landed them in the hospital for an extended stay. I snapped. I stopped being able to cope with reality and invented a imaginary world to escape, and my extremely overactive imagination filled in the blanks.
My delusion was that the matrix existed, created by the Illuminati, and we went through many lifetimes trying to find a way out. I began to believe I was psychic and communicating with those around me who were either helping me or supporting the Illuminati. Even more difficult was that the delusion tied in my whole life story and experiences like a perfect web of lies I couldn't get out of on my own. I lived like this for 4-6 months, under incredible stress, pretending to be normal, trying to figure out what to do.
It got to the point where I couldn't continue working. I acted out at work in a 1:1 meeting w a superior and they called in HR who told me to take 2 weeks off. It took 6 months of being off of work for the doctors to identify it was bipolar and not just a reaction to medication and not schizophrenia. This included a month long hospital stay.
It's not a surprise that the doctor thought I was schizophrenic at first. Bipolar can be just as bad when untreated. Bipolar takes so long to treat because lithium can kill you so they increase very slowly and do blood tests over the course of 3 or so months. So it took 1.5 years for me to go through all this and reach stability.
I spent a lot of time in the hospital laying in bed and taking walks. Nurses checking in a couple times a day. It was nice having time to relax after being so fraught, even if my delusions were still going on in the hospital. It took two to three weeks on anti-psychotics for my thoughts to calm down.
I did return to work eventually, in a less-stressful role, per an occupational therapist's suggestion. After a few months the occupational therapist said I could return to normal work. Work never put me back on normal projects. I'm assuming they didn't want me to be client facing, on the chance this could happen again. After a little less than a year, during which I have almost weekly doctor's visits, they told me they didn't need this role anymore and my position was terminated. Didn't want to pursue a human rights claim, even though the occupational therapist said I should, because I saw it being very exhausting, taking time away from my job search, and ruining the possibility of a few key references.
That's the story of mental illness stealing my sanity, my job, and my independence over the course of several years. It's no wonder that people turn to drugs after having their life fall apart year after year. I absolutely have PTSD and have flashbacks daily. I'm extremely lucky to have parents' support during this, so I won't become homeless.
About 1 in 5 bipolar people commits suicide, and I need to avoid that fate. Right now I can't afford to be independent, which is humiliating, and my living situation is certainly not non-toxic. It would be great if the universe gave me a sign that I should continue to be part of this society. I really need positive momentum, because my reserves are empty. I hope that 2020 involves me finding a good job so that I can become independent again.
