why "I'm here for you" is meaningless to someone who is chronically suicidal

[greyshalllay1995]

I've been actively suicidal to some degree since I was about 20. I get alot of people who try to tell me how much they love me, that they're here for me, etc. Does everyone really, genuinely think this is going to help someone who has lived her life almost 2 years as if she'll die in a few months? It has a long term effect to live like this, even if your'e so dead set (pun intended) on your CTB being your own choice and not anyone else's. In all honesty what I want more than anything is people who are willing to understand and accept that this is my choice, and help guide me through it? I feel like true friends will realize that no matter how hard it is on themselves. When you tell someone who is chronically suicidal, or planning their life in accordance with the end being by their own hands, all you're doing is basically making them feel like when they CTB they'll be hurting one more person. That's my rant for today.

 

[WinterFaust]

I've been actively suicidal to some degree since I was about 20. I get alot of people who try to tell me how much they love me, that they're here for me, etc. Does everyone really, genuinely think this is going to help someone who has lived her life almost 2 years as if she'll die in a few months? It has a long term effect to live like this, even if your'e so dead set (pun intended) on your CTB being your own choice and not anyone else's. In all honesty what I want more than anything is people who are willing to understand and accept that this is my choice, and help guide me through it? I feel like true friends will realize that no matter how hard it is on themselves. When you tell someone who is chronically suicidal, or planning their life in accordance with the end being by their own hands, all you're doing is basically making them feel like when they CTB they'll be hurting one more person. That's my rant for today.

I agree. But I think people say that because they don't understand the various nuances of suicide. Anyone here can attest to the fact that suicide is complicated, there's no one size fits all and this is one of the many failings in suicide prevention. They're under the impression that suicide is primary fueled or at least stoked by feelings of isolation and loneliness. You'll often here people say, "I wish they knew they weren't alone" when someone successfully completes suicide. Text a prevention hotline and this will inevitably be a response to whatever you tell them. It's well-meaning but can often be more harmful than helpful. And it often comes off as completely disingenuous because as you've mentioned, that support is very narrow. We need support in either attempting recovery or preparing to catch the bus. How will well-intended but empty platitudes help us do either?

 

[faust]

I think here "I'm here for you" has a different meaning than in real life and I like it.
We imply you can talk to us, reach for support, vent and just be yourself. You can be who you are and we won't be restrictive and won't impose what to do.
In principal, I never tell that to people in real life because people may start using me. Instead of doing everything themselves, they start relying on me, thinking that I can fulfill all their dreams and solve all the problems for them. And then accusing that I did not help and was selfish. But when I need help or when I am ranting, they tell me that I am weak, talking too much about problems and they are unable to help me. That is one of the reasons why I am alone.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

In all honesty what I want more than anything is people who are willing to understand and accept that this is my choice, and help guide me through it?

What would guiding you through it look like?

 

[rebelsue]

I think one of the troubling things about "I'm here for you" is that most people are not emotionally equipped to really be there for someone who is suicidal. Being suicidal is a really intense, dark place. It's the darkest place a person can be in life. I had a lot of my closest loved ones tell me they are here for me, but they got burned out really fast. Suicide scares them, and it makes sense. It's too much to handle for them.

 

[KleinerWolf]

Most people experience loneliness to some extent even if they are not by themselves.
We are certainly not alone in this. People talk about loneliness a lot.

In terms of relationship, in my opinion I think it all comes down to a person being happy with himself and having to find a balance between actively seeking without over-stressing himself. I believe there is someone out there for everyone as long as you put yourself out there, infinite possiblities.

Agrees.
I genuinely believe people care for us if they never harmed us in the first place.

That aside, as much as I hate to admit, people around us lack the experiences/ capability to understand what it's take to endure the traumas/experiences/feelings we have,
not because they don't care,
but because it's hard to grasp when you are not experiencing it yourself.

 

[BPD Barbie]

Agrees.
I genuinely believe people care for us if they never harmed us in the first place.

That aside, as much as I hate to admit, people around us lack the experiences/ capability to understand what it's take to endure the traumas/experiences/feelings we have,
not because they don't care,
but because it's hard to grasp when you are not experiencing it yourself.

Basically this. If someone hasnt experienced mental illness, trauma, chronic illness etc then it's incredibly hard for them to fully grasp how it feels. They aren't saying it out of pity, they probably just have no idea what to say and want to say something that shows they care.

 

[darkhorse256]

I agree. Even my loved one who has gone through suicidal tendencies/mental illness doesn't grasp why I want to CTB. He just thinks that it's as simple as me "choosing" to let go of all the toxic things in my life even though I can't let go. He doesn't understand why sexual assault has been so hard on me and keeps telling me that my hallucinations are just imaginary. They might be, but damn do they feel real to me. I feel like he discounts how real everything feels to me. And yet he tells me he is here for me...I just can't trust him.

 

[greyshalllay1995]

What would guiding you through it look like?

Hello. Guiding me through it would look like either someone going through with it with me, or someone whose willing to sorta help me with morale support doing this. I've made countless attempts my entire life that are just giant emotional purge drama shitshows. I don't want the end of my life to be like that, but I do want it to end. That being said, I'm just saying that making someone feel like they're leaving people behind doesn't make the decision any easier, for those who do want to recover or might be torn, respectively.

 

[BeeLoyal]

I've been actively suicidal to some degree since I was about 20. I get alot of people who try to tell me how much they love me, that they're here for me, etc. Does everyone really, genuinely think this is going to help someone who has lived her life almost 2 years as if she'll die in a few months? It has a long term effect to live like this, even if your'e so dead set (pun intended) on your CTB being your own choice and not anyone else's. In all honesty what I want more than anything is people who are willing to understand and accept that this is my choice, and help guide me through it? I feel like true friends will realize that no matter how hard it is on themselves. When you tell someone who is chronically suicidal, or planning their life in accordance with the end being by their own hands, all you're doing is basically making them feel like when they CTB they'll be hurting one more person. That's my rant for today.

You know the problem with this is, that people who say they support ur decision to ctb feel like they killed you too, or at least feel guilty for somebody ctbing.

 

[greyshalllay1995]

You know the problem with this is, that people who say they support ur decision to ctb feel like they killed you too, or at least feel guilty for somebody ctbing.

Fair enough, but what if I can do my part t alleviate that feeling. Providing written evidence that I made this decision.

 

[greyshalllay1995]

We need support in either attempting recovery or preparing to catch the bus. How will well-intended but empty platitudes help us do either?

Absolutey. I know damn well that another attempt to CTB is inevitable. But yeah you worded it perfectly. I'm looking more for people who will be willing to help keep me feeling calm while I make preparations in a way thats going to work for me.

 

[Pryras]

@faust put my thoughts into words. For me, it carries a different meaning and not something I say in real life all too often. While I agree it's not going to stop someone from being chronically suicidal, I think it's important to know that even for a moment, someone wants to listen. I have exchanged several PMs with users who have no idea who I am and still want to know my story. It's nice and something I say to users who are having a tough time and just want to vent or be "heard"

For me, "I'm here for you" is an opportunity to be heard in a safe space free of judgment. Sometimes it can be helpful and sometimes not.

 

[faust]

@Pryras I remember there was one phrase which stuck in my mind. We hate in people something that we have in ourselves. It is a kind of self-acceptance when we accept others who they are. Restrictive behavior may come out of living in restrictions. And one group of people simply judge themselves too much. Another group was raised in restrictive environment. But chains sometimes break, like it happened to me. Even comparing my relatives I can explain why they act this or another way. Father was raised in a manner "This is your business" and mother was raised in a strict family where many things were not acceptable. Now guess who judges much and who is much less judgmental. Only breaking the chain can make a difference.

 

[nomorefight]

I agree. When someone is not supported or understood even for wanting to, needing to, CTB then they are just made to feel guilty for having the thoughts in the first place. It is not fair for someone who is not and possibly has never been suicidal to get to say whether or not killing yourself is allowed. Most of the time the "i'm here for you" doesn't even hold up because they don't know how to handle the reality of the conversation.

 

[Meowkin]

Well said.

 

[Remember to forget]

I think it's great when people honestly say they will be here for you. How many people would love someone to really say and mean that. People don't understand what they don't feel themselves, so I don't understand why we expect people to. We can talk, try to gain understanding but it is very unlikely we will. Maybe we need to be more understanding of the ones that watch us suffer to, who are unable to help but would really like to.