schatzbunny
π‘ππ₯π₯ π’π¬ π¨ππ‘ππ« π©ππ¨π©π₯π
- Nov 21, 2025
- 49
me and my boyfriend had been together for 2 years total, we're both the same age and got together when we were 18 and now we're both 20. when we first started doing sexual things it was all fine and consensual and he made sure i was okay with it. i have been molested brutally as a child for years by a family friend and he knew that and seemed to sympathise with this and made me feel understood and cared for whenever it came to intimacy. he was my first sexual experience, i was his 3rd i think. he would come over everyday, my parents liked him and let us be in my room alone because my parents had always been very trusting of me and this was the first time i was bringing anyone over (i struggled with social anxiety and never had friends or anything). but when he got too comfortable with me, sex would be all we do. it would hurt my feelings a lot because i thought the only reason he loves me is because i let him do whatever, no matter how painful or whatever fantasies he wanted to act like cnc/ rape fantasies i would go along with and thought its fine because it will help me with my childhood sexual trauma too. but it got to the point where i could not say no to him, and what he would do to me would escalate in pain. i was constantly in physical pain everyday, always sore. the skin off my nipples would be ripping off and they always hurt a lot. i would often be bleeding down there after we were done. then came a day where i was in too much pain from last time and as he started touching me i asked him in an annoyed tone "please dont touch me". he just smiled and brushed it off like im teasing him or something, and kept feeling me. i asked him again like 3 times and even told him my body hurts can we do this later. he didn't listen and was like "sorry im just too turned on by you i really can't stop myself" i keep saying no but he goes all the way and when we are done, all i wanted to do was scrub my body till it hurt because of how disgusting i felt. it reminded me of what happened in my childhood and i just felt horrified. this went on for days. me saying no, him not listening and eventually i would freeze. he would question why im not wet or why my nipples aren't hard and i would tell him its because i dont want to do it. weeks of this later he made a joke about how i have a low pain tolerance. i could not take it anymore. i was tolerating everything he was doing, betraying my own body for him and this is what he says to me? no appreciation, taking me for granted. i couldn't bear with it and i broke down in front of my sister and she told me what i was experiencing was straight up sexual abuse. she told my parents to never let him come over and if he does let it only be in the living room. my boyfriend blamed this on me and told me if i wasn't emotionally impulsive and told my sister none of this would have happened. he held deep resentment towards me for this and started acting cold and cruel. we were still intimate but it was less frequent and he didn't seem to enjoy it after this because he thought he was wrongly accused of sexual abuse. but we were still intimate at his house. he got me pregnant and left me before i even took the test. i had to do a medicinal abortion at home all alone with no support or comfort. after this i begged for him to be with me because i was so in love and emotionally connected to him. he agreed but he was the most awful boyfriend ever. blamed me for the abortion and that it was none of his responsibility. emotionally cheated on me everyday at work, flirting with his colleagues and hiding it from me. i eventually found out and when i confronted him he broke up with me for good. blocked me everywhere. its been 3 weeks and he called me yesterday to "check up on me". i thought he was finally calling to apologise for ANYTHING. but no. he seemed completely fine and told me he was moving on just fine and i couldn't bring myself to admit i was breaking down because of him everyday so i acted like i was also fine. he said he was happy i am okay and that now he will never talk to me again and doesn't have to worry. i don't know how to exist anymore. i am in deep pain. he has never apologised or even acknowledged what he did to me ever. this feels so unfair. he is good looking and has this constant facade of being a nice charming intelligent man so i know no one will believe me if i come forward. he is extremely manipulative with people and in the past made my entire friendgroup hate me because i told them of something bad he did to me. he cannot stand other people not liking him. our relationship was pretty public, everyone at our department in uni knew. people can see that i am not over it and not okay, meanwhile he seems completely fine laughing with friends and seems happy. i did not deserve this. my first love should not have been like this. i wish i never met him. the pain is too sharp and i have been dealing with feeling abandoned and betrayed for an entire year. i genuinely don't feel like i can come out of this and ctb is the only option.
