Venting Why I want to do It

[EternalShore]

I'm rather done with it all. My life has been near-constantly getting worse since 7th grade. My best friend moved away after 8th grade, and I've had no contact with her since. I spent the first 2 years of high school losing all my other friends and have had none since. I've always been rather behind socially, never desiring to grow up and keeping my child-like tendencies. Having developed extremely niche interests, paranoid personality disorder, and misanthropy as a result of being betrayed and having no friends for so long has only made trying to talk to people even more difficult. And I even get jealous breakdowns whenever I see 2 happy people in a relationship! >_< Now, all this ordinarily wouldn't be an issue as I could just do all these enjoyable activities alone and away from all the evil people of the world.
Unfortunately for me, I can't let that happen. My one present desire in life is to have my very own children as if I did, I would be allowed to embrace my inner childishness with them (I can't on my own because I'm male) once again.

Now, I originally thought that I could kinda stave these desires by becoming an elementary school teacher and be able to essentially be with children all day. Unfortunately for me, things just aren't that simple. I hate having to be exposed to children whose parents had been clearly poisoning and corrupting their childhood innocence since they had been born, and me being male and being expected by the children to be into sports and other typically male desires is irritating since I had been basically raised as a girl. Now, my job is going to be miserable too, and I wish I had thought through it all better before now.

If all that wasn't enough, I've had gender dysphoria for 5 years now, and it's just made my life so much more miserable. I'm Christian, so I can't really embrace it at all (becoming trans) meaning that I always have to pretend to be someone else, basically becoming a soulless husk who can never do anything they'd actually like to do because society wouldn't dare allow it. Same thing with being childish. I can't have any desire to remain innocent nor have any joy because I'm supposed to be a man. :p And if I do get married, I'm going to have to try and pretend to be a male within the marriage, only leading to more suffering on my end. :( I don't even desire to be married to a girl anyways! >_<

The troublesome part about all this is that my ideal future is going to feature a whole lot of pain and suffering on my end even if I am able to somehow achieve it. I have to talk to a whole bunch of insufferable people to try and get lucky enough to marry them. Meanwhile, the entire deck is literally stacked against me, making that ideal future nearly impossible in the first place.
I honestly don't even know what to do as CTB is probably a sin but perhaps if God is merciful, He'll find it excusable and let me into Heaven anyways. After all, He did create me after all, and He created me as a male at that. :/

 

[FuneralCry]

Procreation is cruel as it's just creating unnecessary suffering and problems that never needed to exist, existing holds unlimited potential for harm which is why the non-existent should be left alone in peace, they don't deserve to be punished by being forced into this world. So if you don't force life here then that's a good, compassionate thing.

And suicide could never be "sinful", as religion is a fictional concept designed to brainwash people, existence is just meaningless and unnecessary suffering, there's no God or purpose behind it all and I think when we die just cease existing. But anyway, best wishes, it's awful how humans are so cruel in this world but that's just the reality of existing here.