Story Why I want to die

[Lazybpdbadmom]

I know that if my partner saw this he would roll his eyes and go "see ------, this is what all of your problems are. Making everything about yourself."
And he's right. I'm not a good person. And I know it. I have been in therapy for a very long time and currently I'm in DBT therapy twice a week. I completed trauma therapy and did a lot of emdr. I was even in an outpatient psych program for 3 months a few years ago. The thing is, I have tried really hard to be a good person. But I'm not. And I really hate myself for it. I'm not a good mother. I'm not a good friend. I'm not a good daughter. My partner has given me an ultimatum that I need to get on antipsychotics and mood stabilizers in addition to the antidepressants I'm on or he's going to leave me. Both of my kids are already in the criminal system, and they are only preteens. I just really feel like all I do is hurt people in the world would be a better place without me. I'm trying to figure out a way that I can catch the bus without it being readily apparent that that's what happened. Like try to blame it on an accident or something. Anyway. I just needed to vent. Because, of course I did, because I'm a self-absorbed idiot lol. But I feel like this is the place where I am actually safe to say these things that I just roll around in my head all day. And that feels really nice. To get all this out of my head and into words. It's like my brain is taking a big sigh

 

[LunarLight]

I'm trying to figure out a way that I can catch the bus without it being readily apparent that that's what happened. Like try to blame it on an accident or something.

This is gonna be hard.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you have to go through this.

Both of my kids are already in the criminal system, and they are only preteens.

This is also the responsibility of your partner! Both you have to work together to not raise them as criminals.

I'm trying to figure out a way that I can catch the bus without it being readily apparent that that's what happened. Like try to blame it on an accident or something.

This probably won't work unless u have a real "accident".

 

[justkatie]

It's crappy when you feel that way.
I used to feel the same way.

Now I know I'm not a good person but I just stopped caring about it.
Which makes me even less of a good person haha.

Venting is really good, vent as much as you feel you need to :)

 

[Lazybpdbadmom]

It's crappy when you feel that way.
I used to feel the same way.

Now I know I'm not a good person but I just stopped caring about it.
Which makes me even less of a good person haha.

Venting is really good, vent as much as you feel you need to :)

Tysm :) maybe u can reach me the art of not giving a fuck lol!

I'm sorry you have to go through this.


This is also the responsibility of your partner! Both you have to work together to not raise them as criminals.


This probably won't work unless u have a real "accident".

Ty for the kind words. They are not my partner's kids. My ex-husband is not a great guy and we have a very contentious co-parenting relationship. He is in a motorcycle club and very criminal minded, which is obviously wearing off on my kids. However with my mental illness diagnosis, neither one of us looks very good before the courts.

 

[Lazybpdbadmom]

I know that if my partner saw this he would roll his eyes and go "see ------, this is what all of your problems are. Making everything about yourself."
And he's right. I'm not a good person. And I know it. I have been in therapy for a very long time and currently I'm in DBT therapy twice a week. I completed trauma therapy and did a lot of emdr. I was even in an outpatient psych program for 3 months a few years ago. The thing is, I have tried really hard to be a good person. But I'm not. And I really hate myself for it. I'm not a good mother. I'm not a good friend. I'm not a good daughter. My partner has given me an ultimatum that I need to get on antipsychotics and mood stabilizers in addition to the antidepressants I'm on or he's going to leave me. Both of my kids are already in the criminal system, and they are only preteens. I just really feel like all I do is hurt people in the world would be a better place without me. I'm trying to figure out a way that I can catch the bus without it being readily apparent that that's what happened. Like try to blame it on an accident or something. Anyway. I just needed to vent. Because, of course I did, because I'm a self-absorbed idiot lol. But I feel like this is the place where I am actually safe to say these things that I just roll around in my head all day. And that feels really nice. To get all this out of my head and into words. It's like my brain is taking a big sigh

This is gonna be hard.

I know. I was thinking carbon monoxide "leak" when everyone is gone

 

[uglyugly]

My partner has given me an ultimatum that I need to get on antipsychotics and mood stabilizers in addition to the antidepressants I'm on or he's going to leave me.

My husband (now ex) said the same damn thing to me, which forced me onto paxil. I could not sleep more than 1 hour, and it was more like cat napping, for over 5 months. I went off that shit and did not sleep properly for 15 years. The only way I could sleep was alcohol, drugs (illegal) and/or benadryl. Only after discovering GABA (this is not the same as gabapentin) was I finally able to sleep again. But trust me, not sleeping has long term has very bad consequences. It destroyed my ability to rest at all. I felt like I was sleep walking and living in a dream. My mind and ability to concentrate have NEVER returned to normal and never will. I could no longer connect with reality. This was AFTER coming off that shit.

Just my 2 cent worth, but never, EVER let anyone do that to you. If I could do only one thing over in my life it would have been to not listen to him and tell him to just leave. I am permanently fucked thanks to listening to that bastard. Please, please don't let someone do that to you.

 

[Lazybpdbadmom]

My husband (now ex) said the same damn thing to me, which forced me onto paxil. I could not sleep more than 1 hour, and it was more like cat napping, for over 5 months. I went off that shit and did not sleep properly for 15 years. The only way I could sleep was alcohol, drugs (illegal) and/or benadryl. Only after discovering GABA (this is not the same as gabapentin) was I finally able to sleep again. But trust me, not sleeping has long term has very bad consequences. It destroyed my ability to rest at all. I felt like I was sleep walking and living in a dream. My mind and ability to concentrate have NEVER returned to normal and never will. I could no longer connect with reality. This was AFTER coming off that shit.

Just my 2 cent worth, but never, EVER let anyone do that to you. If I could do only one thing over in my life it would have been to not listen to him and tell him to just leave. I am permanently fucked thanks to listening to that bastard. Please, please don't let someone do that to you.

Ty for your advice. I'm sorry your ex is responsible for ur health problems, that's wretched. I hope he at least feels bad for what he did to you