Alain
Student
- Mar 11, 2020
- 107
My father, the best man I've ever known, raised four kids by himself. He faced a lot of deceases in his life : cancer, diabetes, Guillain-Barré, two heart attacks... He was in hospital so often, I really know each part of the two big hospitals in my town. It's like a second home, you know?
Four years ago, diabetes caused him to lose two toes. He went to the hospital again and as he had health issues, he couldn't recover and lost one other toe, and again another. My depression grow bigger and bigger as I saw my father not going better in more than a year. I also had a crazy chief at work. I stopped working because I couldn't do anything anymore and I didn't want to see that fuck face. I knew I was going to suicide. I think I know it since I was a teenager. I asked to be put in a mental institute. Not to be cured, but so I stay alive long enough to survive my father because he didn't deserve to lose a child.
I never wanted to be in a serious relationship because I would probably be the worst boyfriend ever, because of my depression. But I met a woman online, we talked a lot, and she really made me feel better. She loved me, she said. And I liked her a lot. I was in the clinic since about two months when I saw her posting a picture of her kissing another guy on Twitter. She clearly wanted me to see that. She didn't love me after all. I called her on her phone to talk about it. We had an argument and I called her a cunt. Not my best feminist saying I give you that. And to this day I'm ashamed for it. She told me, and I quote "You know what ? I tried to protect you. Just kill yourself."
So I did. I took a scarf, made a fat knot at one of its end to stick in the "not-very-open-window-all-hospitals-have". It was strong enough. I made another knot around my neck. The setup was low, I couldn't hang standing up. I was almost seated on the floor, my ass was like 5 centimeters above it. I couldn't breathe, and the scarf didn't hurt as I thought it would. I was kinda relived as I started see nothing but a sweet darkness. I started to hear something in the background, it seemed to be ventilators from the kitchen. But it was a strange and irregular noise. This fucking noise was like... trying to wake me up. And it did. That noise was my breathing. I opened my eyes, my face felt like swollen. I started to cry because I realized I didn't even succeed at hanging myself.
Since, my dad passed. Then, my dog passed. I have nothing and nobody to take care of. I am really free to do what's better for me, ctb. I'm just waiting for a peaceful and harmless way to do it in my bed, while listening to some music I love. Damn, I want it so much.
Four years ago, diabetes caused him to lose two toes. He went to the hospital again and as he had health issues, he couldn't recover and lost one other toe, and again another. My depression grow bigger and bigger as I saw my father not going better in more than a year. I also had a crazy chief at work. I stopped working because I couldn't do anything anymore and I didn't want to see that fuck face. I knew I was going to suicide. I think I know it since I was a teenager. I asked to be put in a mental institute. Not to be cured, but so I stay alive long enough to survive my father because he didn't deserve to lose a child.
I never wanted to be in a serious relationship because I would probably be the worst boyfriend ever, because of my depression. But I met a woman online, we talked a lot, and she really made me feel better. She loved me, she said. And I liked her a lot. I was in the clinic since about two months when I saw her posting a picture of her kissing another guy on Twitter. She clearly wanted me to see that. She didn't love me after all. I called her on her phone to talk about it. We had an argument and I called her a cunt. Not my best feminist saying I give you that. And to this day I'm ashamed for it. She told me, and I quote "You know what ? I tried to protect you. Just kill yourself."
So I did. I took a scarf, made a fat knot at one of its end to stick in the "not-very-open-window-all-hospitals-have". It was strong enough. I made another knot around my neck. The setup was low, I couldn't hang standing up. I was almost seated on the floor, my ass was like 5 centimeters above it. I couldn't breathe, and the scarf didn't hurt as I thought it would. I was kinda relived as I started see nothing but a sweet darkness. I started to hear something in the background, it seemed to be ventilators from the kitchen. But it was a strange and irregular noise. This fucking noise was like... trying to wake me up. And it did. That noise was my breathing. I opened my eyes, my face felt like swollen. I started to cry because I realized I didn't even succeed at hanging myself.
Since, my dad passed. Then, my dog passed. I have nothing and nobody to take care of. I am really free to do what's better for me, ctb. I'm just waiting for a peaceful and harmless way to do it in my bed, while listening to some music I love. Damn, I want it so much.
