Venting Why I don’t just kill myself?

[HeartThatFeeds]

I'm not sure why I continue with living, It seems stupid, I mean realistically, I have nothing to look forward to or live for. My fiancé CBTed over two months ago so I it's not like I have someone to help keep me going through all of this.

Not too long ago I felt myself praying every single night to die yet now I feel absolutely nothing. Even though I've lost everything and my life only continues to get worse as time goes on I don't feel suicidal anymore.

For years of my life I've been wanting this, to get to the point where I can finally end things, but as I feel myself so close to my final moments, I'm beginning to doubt if it's really what I want.

It's funny, I know for a fact that my life physically can't get better, that if I continued living I'd just have to fight this battle for the rest of my existence and yet I don't want to die. And honestly it pisses me off, I wish it could just be easy for me to commit to this decision but it isn't and for what reason? Maybe it's the SI kicking in? Making me regret going this far and buying SN but I'm not so sure, maybe I just got so tired of being in constant pain my body shut down all my emotions. Either way I'd prefer the pain over this, at least I could feel that.

 

[SomewhereAlongThe]

Firstly, my condolences for your fiancé, I'm so sorry that she's no longer by your side. To be honest with you, I'm also not sure why I continue to live, but recently I've been feeling like I want to live. I think there's a small part of us all that wants to live, and we just battle with it or drown it out. I've been listening to it recently. I get not having anything to live for, I feel the same. What upsets me the most is not having any ability or talent to prosper with. It sounds like the pain got so bad you've just gone numb, and I'm so sorry you've lost everything. I want to say I'm glad you're not suicidal anymore, because there's something about still wanting to stick around that proves there's something about life worth living for. Though, I get the frustration, the "Why can't I just kill myself and get it over with?" I've felt this way before when I was hopeless. You want to not want to live, but instead you want to live. I would say that I don't think it's SI, because SI is usually an automatic response and it's short lived. It sounds like it's just a part of you and your desires, I know I have the will to live as a part of who I am. It sounds like you're facing real emotions, like regret, and maybe that's insight as to how you truly feel inside about all of this. You may have shut down your other emotions in order to cope better, but once the pain is out of the way it shows you really don't want to do it. So I say, hey, why battle it? What's the worse thing that could happen? It's your choice to back out any moment you feel like it, but why not try? As time passes a lot of things change, and I know you say your life can't get any better, and I don't know your situation, but what if there becomes a little room for some kind of hope in the future? I think you deserve to feel alive, and not numb, and that's what yourself is pushing for, so why not?

 

[HeartThatFeeds]

Firstly, my condolences for your fiancé, I'm so sorry that she's no longer by your side. To be honest with you, I'm also not sure why I continue to live, but recently I've been feeling like I want to live. I think there's a small part of us all that wants to live, and we just battle with it or drown it out. I've been listening to it recently. I get not having anything to live for, I feel the same. What upsets me the most is not having any ability or talent to prosper with. It sounds like the pain got so bad you've just gone numb, and I'm so sorry you've lost everything. I want to say I'm glad you're not suicidal anymore, because there's something about still wanting to stick around that proves there's something about life worth living for. Though, I get the frustration, the "Why can't I just kill myself and get it over with?" I've felt this way before when I was hopeless. You want to not want to live, but instead you want to live. I would say that I don't think it's SI, because SI is usually an automatic response and it's short lived. It sounds like it's just a part of you and your desires, I know I have the will to live as a part of who I am. It sounds like you're facing real emotions, like regret, and maybe that's insight as to how you truly feel inside about all of this. You may have shut down your other emotions in order to cope better, but once the pain is out of the way it shows you really don't want to do it. So I say, hey, why battle it? What's the worse thing that could happen? It's your choice to back out any moment you feel like it, but why not try? As time passes a lot of things change, and I know you say your life can't get any better, and I don't know your situation, but what if there becomes a little room for some kind of hope in the future? I think you deserve to feel alive, and not numb, and that's what yourself is pushing for, so why not?

Thank you for this, I think there is a beauty in just living for the sake of it honestly, it's what I've been doing for a good majority of my life and it's something I found myself proud of, I thank I just feel guilty for not feeling terrible anymore, I know one day I'll probably go back to be depressed, sooner that later most likely, but not feeling so much pain everyday really hurts because in my mind I believe that that's how "normal" people grieve, I've never lost anyone close to me before so I'm not quite used to the this process, I know that I'll have good and bad days, but whenever I feel slightly better or relieved I begin to feel guilty for even have those emotions, I'm going to keep trying in living just for a while longer I think, just to do it for the sake of it rather than making myself misread by believing I should be

 

[SomewhereAlongThe]

Thank you for this, I think there is a beauty in just living for the sake of it honestly, it's what I've been doing for a good majority of my life and it's something I found myself proud of, I thank I just feel guilty for not feeling terrible anymore, I know one day I'll probably go back to be depressed, sooner that later most likely, but not feeling so much pain everyday really hurts because in my mind I believe that that's how "normal" people grieve, I've never lost anyone close to me before so I'm not quite used to the this process, I know that I'll have good and bad days, but whenever I feel slightly better or relieved I begin to feel guilty for even have those emotions, I'm going to keep trying in living just for a while longer I think, just to do it for the sake of it rather than making myself misread by believing I should be

I really think comparing ourselves to a normal standard is dangerous. Is normal ever normal or is it just our idealized version of being okay? Your feelings as they come are genuine enough, I don't want you to feel pressured to feel less or more. That guilt is there maybe because you felt you owe a debt and you pay for it with your own emotional turmoil? I hope letting you know you don't have to feel terrible in order to live, helps, because you really don't need to. The one time you don't, spare yourself, give yourself that break you deserve. When I lost my grandmother, I shut down, and I didn't fully process it. I loved her a lot but I told myself "It's normal for these things to happen." I can't say I know grief on the same level as you do, because I imagine losing someone who is close to you is very difficult. Yet, at the same time you're going to process it the way you do and not the way anybody else does. Again, the way you feel is genuine enough, and it doesn't mean you love her any less because you're not withering away. You've found a way to live through chaos, and I think you should be proud of yourself, you deserve that. I'm happy you're sticking around, I really am. Sending lots of love your way <3