Why I crave recovery, but why I also fear it too

[Water-Lily]

At a base level, I know recovery is learning to live with your pain, accept it, and live a healthy life with it. I would like to hope that, once I move out especially, so much will be open to me. I can explore various therapies/medications/methods of healing. I will have more independence financially, and can gain confidence and healing

However all of this is so fucking scary. Knowing that once I am gone from my family, I will be alone in my thoughts. I fear the potential yet likely flashbacks. Nightmares, new perspectives, perhaps seeing things in new perspectives and realizing how messed up certain experiences were. How I will manage on my own, deal with mistakes and no unavoidable traumas, etc? Mostly though, I am afraid of losing the love I have for my family. But, is it really love I feel? Or is it codependency/enmeshment? Maybe all three. I am afraid that in the future I will cut them off, or will have to to really heal. But I don't want to lose them either.

So many fears comes with recovery. It's why abuse can feel comfortable. But I am done with being comfortable. I want to truly live, and I am deathly afraid

 

[symphony]

I hear you. I can't relate to your exact situation, but I've come to a similar conclusion. I'm continually caught between two choices, pulled in two directions. Do I maintain hope, put in real effort and vulnerability, embrace my pain, and seek recovery in earnest? Or do I through in the towel and catch the bus?

Wishing you the best in your journey.

 

[Angi]

I know the feeling and I hope you will take the leap! I do have flashbacks to the time when I still lived with my family. However, the flashbacks are something I can fight, maybe eventually deal with. Not like my family, who will never change. You can arm yourself for flashbacks, starting maybe with the book little helpers mentioned here: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/cptsd-thread.80593/page-2#post-1445524

Losing the love... You do not need to be at someone's mercy to love them. You may continue to love them while walking your own path. You may also go no-contact. And there is a whole spectrum in between. You may claim your own space, give yourself some room to heal, and see how far or close you need them!

Choosing to own your life is a daunting decision. I hear your fear. I hope you can surf it!

 

[ArtsyDrawer]

At a base level, I know recovery is learning to live with your pain, accept it, and live a healthy life with it. I would like to hope that, once I move out especially, so much will be open to me. I can explore various therapies/medications/methods of healing. I will have more independence financially, and can gain confidence and healing

However all of this is so fucking scary. Knowing that once I am gone from my family, I will be alone in my thoughts. I fear the potential yet likely flashbacks. Nightmares, new perspectives, perhaps seeing things in new perspectives and realizing how messed up certain experiences were. How I will manage on my own, deal with mistakes and no unavoidable traumas, etc? Mostly though, I am afraid of losing the love I have for my family. But, is it really love I feel? Or is it codependency/enmeshment? Maybe all three. I am afraid that in the future I will cut them off, or will have to to really heal. But I don't want to lose them either.

So many fears comes with recovery. It's why abuse can feel comfortable. But I am done with being comfortable. I want to truly live, and I am deathly afraid

I'm sorry I am exploding with this on your post, and I'm sorry for sounding like a lifer. I, too started hanging out in the recovery sub.

I manage a discord server, and while, strictly speaking, it is an SS server indeed, we just... kinda... drifted towards not ctb.

By "we" I mean roughly... What, 7-8 people?

Not that the topic is completely banned, we just decided to give life a second chance.
Why?
Two words: baby steps.
I'll cite myself as an example: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...day-when-kinda-demotivated.86714/post-1551778
I keep saying "baby steps" over and over to people.

The way I see it, in your case, trauma and abuse feels like home. It's comfortable, you know what to expect, roughly when to expect it, why, and from who. That's your comfort zone. It's scary to get out of your comfort zone.
What if there was more, though?
Make no mistake, outside your comfort zone you will experience new things.
It's a joke a lot of various 4 panel comic artists make, it looks sort of like this:
1st panel: character is usually in a circle.
2nd panel: character is powering up DBZ style.
3rd panel: character runs out towards a wall, putting a block in that says "thing".
4th panel: character runs back to the circle, saying something like "that's enough for today".
Baby steps.
Trauma and abuse (or rather, learning to deal with them) are akin to climbing Mt. Everest. You are just one person. You can't conquer Mt. Everest in one day, but you can do it in multiple days, months, whatever. It's doable. One step at a time. Even a baby step.