Story Why i chose the firearm as my method

[TAW122]

Hey all, this thread will explain my logic and reasoning behind why I chose the firearm as my method of choice. I'm not saying that this should be the go to method for everyone as different methods work for different people and also not everyone's situations and life circumstances are the same. Without further ado, I'll begin.

So the reasons that I chose firearms as my method is that I live in the US and in a state that has relatively lax gun laws (except for the pistol/handgun laws - but that's another story altogether), then on top of that, firearms are pretty much commonplace in the US. It is easier and probably cheaper than getting N or some specific drugs to do it, and isn't as much of a hassle (unless you live in states with strict gun laws and requirements - but luckily NC isn't like NY, CA, IL, MD, or states like those). It is easier to ctb via a firearm in the US than to qualify for euthanasia (which is only legal in several states (WA, OR, CA, CO, MT, VT, and soon HI) plus you have to be terminally ill with less than six months to live - even then you could still be denied access to it.) Then, there is a high chance of reliability provided one knows where to shoot and hit (the brainstem). Given that I have a clean record, never been into any legal trouble before, never been committed to a mental institution or adjudicated mentally defective, US citizen, of legal age (for both handguns and long guns), not a fugitive from justice, don't use illegal drugs, etc. I believe I can pass a background check without any issue.

Other methods, are either easier to obtain such as a rope (hanging - either partial/full), but has a higher chance of failure or requires specific skills to do right and successfully, or harder to obtain but yet has a high chance of success (N, inert gases, certain poisons, etc.), or require much more courage and pain tolerance to succeed (wrist cutting by going length-wise, drowning, etc.). I'd only ever resort to other methods if for whatever reason I couldn't get a firearm, but I will do my absolute damndest to get it before resorting to other methods.

You see, other methods I don't need as much as a background check so I am capitalizing on my clean record as well as my ability and options (currently) to help me obtain a very reliable yet still affordable means to ctb. I can always buy a rope or drive far enough to either an ocean or a cliff to ctb, or even buy a knife to do so, but those are either too painful, unreliable, or requires tremendous skill and courage to get right.

Finally, just wanted to say, this is just my story and explanation of my thought process as well as how I chose the firearm to my primary method of choice so it may/not apply to everyone. Also no offense to other methods as they may be applicable to others and those might be the only choices for others.

 

[TiredHorse]

All that you say makes a great deal of sense.

I will offer as a counterpoint that although I already own both long guns and pistols, and live in a state where it is ludicrously easy to buy them (WA), I have chosen to ctb with eb/N2. My own reasoning is

1) It might be less traumatic both to my family and to those who find me
2) eb/N2 makes a lot less mess, and I don't want anyone to need to clean the house after I go
3) I don't want gun ownership to become even more stigmatized
4) eb/N2 feels a lot gentler to me, and at this point in my life, I like gentle.

But that is NOT meant to dissuade you from ctb with a gun. You do what you need to do to find the peace you need. I admire that you've thought it out carefully.

 

[GeorgeEastman]

Budd Dwyer is my inspiration.

Should have used his nickname for this board, but I like Eastman's note better. "My work is done. Why wait?"

 

[Trashcan]

That makes sense. It sounds like you'll succeed.

 

[TAW122]

In addition to my reasoning for choosing the gun, here is additional information along with a backstory just in case anyone is interested.

The Backstory of How I Got into Guns :
Long ago, when I was a kid, before I got into the hobby of music and not long after I was introduced to video games, about age 6, I've pondered about guns and stuff. Seeing them on TV and in video games was fascinating. Of course, being a kid, naive as hell, thought that guns are cool because they exist in video games and what not. My first time picking up an gun-like object was a positional gun, the ones they have on arcade machines and what not. Then at age 9, a neighbor had a BB gun and shot tin cans and plastic cups in their backyard. I played around with it and it was fun.

As I've gotten older, went through school, scoured for knowledge through various sources, history books, documentaries, and what not. I've taken an interest in guns and learning more about them. I remember around age 10, there was a gun and weapons magazine in a shopping mall store that I wanted to read, but my father forbade me from doing so because he believed that it was a bad influence on me. I did get in trouble in school for playing cops and robbers with fellow classmates and often got detention for playing such a harmless game (yay for PC and zero tolerance - not!). Not long after that, my dad barred me from playing any video games or watching any movies/shows that had violence or guns in it. I can sorta understand that from a parents' perspective. I snuck on to play Wolfenstein 3D and it's mods from the early 2000's and stuff, but when I got caught, I often get punished (slapped across the face, spanked, and what not) and grounded for a long time.

At age 14, life was utter hell, and everything was a literal shitstorm. Bullying was at it's absolute peak, with little or no support from my peers or friends, was the butt of jokes, and the attention I got was just from bullies and people who didn't really respect me but rather made fun of me. Being an Asian boy, life was hell and there were at least several different groups and circles that bullied me regularly, no girl liked me, was just a joke. Some of things the bullies did was to torment me, spit at me, one even beat me up on an almost daily basis, called all sorts of names and nevermind the racial slurs and what not. Home life was terrible too, parents didn't care about anything other than doing well academically and not getting into trouble at school. My father was at his worst at this point in my life, (remember my other story where I mentioned that he physically beat me for misbehaving or for minor infractions, and of course, the endless verbal tirades and abuse). I literally thought about running away and ctb'ing almost every day. I saw the gun as a tool of freedom, of liberation, and of power.

Hypothetically, had I had access to a firearm, I'd probably would have just ended it right then and there (though I did have fantasies of taking out my bullies then doing myself in.) Please don't mistake me for being violent, or evil, I don't have any inclination to harm others or take anyone else down with me. Nowadays I just want to ctb and end this never-ending stream of torment called life. Anyways, my family is generally anti-gun (not so surprising with their background from East Asia where access to firearms, weapons, and guns are banned/heavily restricted).

At age 16-17, transferred to a different school, and things were better overall, less bullying and people actually didn't treat me like shit for once. Home life improved a bit though was still shitty and had bouts of fights between my father and I. I still wished I had died and the damage to my life was already done (all the abuses and what not- not including my social failures, Aspergers, and existing problems). Even in college, I've often spent a fair portion of my free time (aside from video games) studying about guns and stuff. I've learned as much as I can (despite never having touched or even as much as shot a firearm in my life until age 24) about it and would often spend many restless nights pondering about how to end my life. During college my relationship with my family isn't at it's best, but at least more tolerable than when I was in my teens. While bullying isn't a main issue in college, social life was shit, people rejected and ignored me, so I still suffered, but just in different ways.

Then at age 24, I went to the gun range and for the first time, I've fired a gun in my life. I believe my first gun that I fired (after going through a safety course and with a range safety officer beside me instructing me) is a 9mm semi-auto Smith and Wesson M&P Shield. I went through 50 rounds of it and it was unbearably loud (had double ear protection, ear muffs and plugs). I've had a bit of a phobia with very loud noises (but that's another story for another time), but overall, I got this adrenaline rush and appreciation for the ferocity (the psychological shock of the thunderous BOOM from a firearm as well as the power of the bullet) of the firearm. I've also gained even more respect for guns in general.

With all that said, I view the gun as a tool of freedom, a symbol of freedom and power, and also seeing what it can do to many living things, I envision myself becoming a bloody, gory corpse. It is also a metaphor and summary of what my life is, a mess and, a mistake. The gun will be the ultimate finisher, the right of wrongs, and correct said mistake. Yes, I know that it will be very gory and violent, but I don't mind as my life was tumultuous so having a tumultuous end would be symbolic. (Of course if I had 'N' or another reliable way to ctb, I'd probably do that instead.)

And alas, this is why I've ultimately settled to die via firearm.

 

[TAW122]

Just bumping this topic a bit, a few more reasons why I went with the firearm.

(Moving to a place where assisted suicide, euthanasia is legal)
Originally, I had this crazy idea of trying to qualify for euthanasia in a different country, but realized that it wasn't worth it. First off, to be a citizen of another country, you usually have to renounce your own citizenship of your home country (there are exceptions but most cases this is true), which is a whopping $2,350 to do so. This is not even including the plane ticket. Then one would have gain citizenship in the country of their choice, which is Netherlands, Belgium, and what not other countries. Good luck trying to immigrate to other countries when your (in my case a minority - Asian American) skills and things to offer the other countries aren't in demand, or don't meet some special criteria.

Tl;dr - going to another country to access assisted suicide or euthanasia is just not realistic, nor feasible as it costs too much and too many variables out of one's control. Furthermore, one doesn't simply just go to get euthanized.

Pushing for legalization of assisted suicide and euthanasia in the US
Sure there are a few states that allow it, but again, they are only reserved for the really terminally ill and the really, really sick. Even then, they may still not get it as the doctors and medical/healthcare professionals are the gatekeepers. Chances are, they would still push for life as hard as possible and may still reject you on arbitrary, bullshit grounds. Furthermore, legalizing that in states that are very conservatory, religious, and/or generally pro-life, good luck doing that, if there even is a realistic, reasonable chance....

Tl;dr - rather than wasting time on a futile cause, it is often easier and more effective to just use what is available and reliable to go rather than to wait to obtain permission from those that will not grant it.

Involving others or choosing a different method
I don't intend to involve others in my suicide especially if I can do it alone. I'd rather minimize damage and pain whenever so I figured a secluded place, a firearm, that should do it. I don't like other methods because it is either harder to obtain, less reliable, or just not feasible to get. Some examples are N, inert gases, SN, and what not. No offense to anyone who is choosing to go via other methods, I respect your choices and your reasoning, but the firearm is just my go to method.

Tl;dr - I don't like to cause additional damage unnecessarily (unless inevitable) and also, given my situation, firearms are the easiest of the many methods to come by and is very very reliable.