TydalWave
Brutally Self-Aware
- Sep 20, 2022
- 436
A couple months ago I had a plan to be gone by the end of November.
I was so sure of my decision. I had the SN, and slowly acquired everything I needed to have the most pleasant ride possible. And to be honest, the moment I got the SN, and each one of the add-ons so to speak, I felt so much peace knowing that my choice to continue living was now in my control.
I didn't want to take any uncalculated risks with medications... so, when I got the Meto I tested it out. No bad reaction! Great.
The last thing I got was the benzos. After doing a shit ton of research and hearing peoples recommendations I opted for bromazolam. I didn't want anything harsh. I was just worried about SI and knew that I wanted to leave this world in peace. It is for this same reason that I let myself hit rock bottom and horrible lows over the years and never let myself OD. I knew I wanted to CTB, but I didn't want to CTB in my weakest moment. I wanted to be at peace--and this November I finally reached that milestone and was at peace with my decision.
So when I got the brom I did the same thing... I tried a very small amount and the craziest thing happened. My anxiety was completely gone. After a lifetime of trying drug after drug for anxiety and depression, I had given up on the system. I tried too many prescription drugs with no benefit. I didn't think there was anything out there to fix me.
It didn't immediately change my mind. But it was so helpful that I decided to micro-dose again the next day. Why not? If I am going to CTB then why should I suffer from anxiety if I have a fix right in front of me... So I did... And it was in this transparent state of mind that my perception of the world started to shift.
Old me would have shut myself in and locked my doors and not responded to messages. But now that I wasn't suffering from debilitating anxiety, I decided I wanted to see friends and family one last time before i left. I wanted to create great memories and have great conversations. And I did. And it was in this time of being so open to experiences that some weird coincidences started to happen that sucked me back into this life. I will link you to the other post where it started because this post is too long.
But to wrap this up. I've made the decision that for now, these signs are just too bizarre for me to ignore. So I am going to linger here a little while and see where this path takes me. Thanks to everyone whose supported and helped me along the way. This site really has so much love.
I was so sure of my decision. I had the SN, and slowly acquired everything I needed to have the most pleasant ride possible. And to be honest, the moment I got the SN, and each one of the add-ons so to speak, I felt so much peace knowing that my choice to continue living was now in my control.
I didn't want to take any uncalculated risks with medications... so, when I got the Meto I tested it out. No bad reaction! Great.
The last thing I got was the benzos. After doing a shit ton of research and hearing peoples recommendations I opted for bromazolam. I didn't want anything harsh. I was just worried about SI and knew that I wanted to leave this world in peace. It is for this same reason that I let myself hit rock bottom and horrible lows over the years and never let myself OD. I knew I wanted to CTB, but I didn't want to CTB in my weakest moment. I wanted to be at peace--and this November I finally reached that milestone and was at peace with my decision.
So when I got the brom I did the same thing... I tried a very small amount and the craziest thing happened. My anxiety was completely gone. After a lifetime of trying drug after drug for anxiety and depression, I had given up on the system. I tried too many prescription drugs with no benefit. I didn't think there was anything out there to fix me.
It didn't immediately change my mind. But it was so helpful that I decided to micro-dose again the next day. Why not? If I am going to CTB then why should I suffer from anxiety if I have a fix right in front of me... So I did... And it was in this transparent state of mind that my perception of the world started to shift.
Old me would have shut myself in and locked my doors and not responded to messages. But now that I wasn't suffering from debilitating anxiety, I decided I wanted to see friends and family one last time before i left. I wanted to create great memories and have great conversations. And I did. And it was in this time of being so open to experiences that some weird coincidences started to happen that sucked me back into this life. I will link you to the other post where it started because this post is too long.
But to wrap this up. I've made the decision that for now, these signs are just too bizarre for me to ignore. So I am going to linger here a little while and see where this path takes me. Thanks to everyone whose supported and helped me along the way. This site really has so much love.
