Why haven´t I done anything with my life? I never thought I would live this long

[TheGoodGuy]

I already posted these memes in the Suicide Memes thread but I want to talk more about them.

I have been suicidal since I was 14 and was sure I was going to commit suicide before 20 (I am 24 now) so I have never put any real effort into my life and sometimes like in these memes I REALLY just want to say it aloud and I am sure many of you have wanted to say the same but of course we can´t just say the truth which is "I put minimum effort into my life because I am sure I am going to kill myself"

I mean even back when I was a teenager attending school I was sure I was going to kill myself then why they fuck would I even give a shit about grades!? If I am going to die then it wouldn´t matter what good grades would do to my future chances of an education.

 

[lemmeeleev]

I already posted these memes in the Suicide Memes thread but I want to talk more about them.

I have been suicidal since I was 14 and was sure I was going to commit suicide before 20 (I am 24 now) so I have never put any real effort into my life and sometimes like in these memes I REALLY just want to say it aloud and I am sure many of you have wanted to say the same but of course we can´t just say the truth which is "I put minimum effort into my life because I am sure I am going to kill myself"

I mean even back when I was a teenager attending school I was sure I was going to kill myself then why they fuck would I even give a shit about grades!? If I am going to die then it wouldn´t matter what good grades would do to my future chances of an education.

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I'm still in school and I still do this every day. I never thought I'd live this long to begin with, and I won't even get started with grades.

 

[TAW122]

I can relate to this. When I was in high school, I never thought I'd get into college and have a successful life/career (according to family and societal standards), but then somehow I made it into college (not top tier but state funded school, lower tier but not the worst). When in college, I didn't think I'd graduate let alone find any work. So then, I managed to graduate with moderately decent grades (like 3.2+ gpa), and then went for a short stint in a job, lost it, then unemployed/volunteering/shit jobs/feeling worse/suicidal rinse repeat the cycle, and somehow I took on the challenge of grad school. Just barely made it through, actually wasn't even expecting to... then after being a NEET (Not in Education Employment or Training) for over half a year, got a part time job (it is still bearable) and just got a bit of money to life off of. I'm pretty sure suicide is an inevitable in my fate.

 

[CuriousAboutThis]

I've attempted suicide multiple times in my life and even though I like to believe I have purpose in life and know I probably won't end up CTB but I don't think my life has that much value.

 

[Pointlessabyss]

I'm still in school and I still do this every day. I never thought I'd live this long to begin with, and I won't even get started with grades.

Yellow in the light version of this site is awful! Feel like I should be wearing glasses.

Back to the O/P :

I have the same feeling , planned to CTB when I was 18,22, end of last year... now I'm 26. Some how I've put zero effort into my life yet some how I've floated through and ended up in a decent position.
This still doesn't change anything unfortunatley we are all confined to our own thoughts and to the inevitable. Ive always questioned why and seen it as pointless.
Life's a game that no one gets out a live.

 

[Partial-Elf]

This touches on a concept that I've thought about recently, sort of a catch 22. The more I think about suicide the more likely I am to do a shitty job of living (damage relationships, poor work performance, poor self care, etc).

So the answer is don't think about suicide right? But that's where the catch 22 comes in with my bpd/depression. If I don't think about it, things go well for a few months then come crashing down leaving me more ready to ctb than ever.

Maybe not a catch 22, maybe just a lose/lose? Never really understood the catch 22 thing

 

[Weeping Garbage Can]

I think this will be me in the future. But right now, my family is expecting me to get good grades, volunteer, go on vacations, choose famous colleges, and be excited about "teen stuff" like learning how to drive. Their expectations push me forward, even if I want to just give up and go to sleep forever, as I will not risk them being privy to my true dissatisfaction with my existence.

 

[Misanthrope]

This thread is extremely important. I want to respond to it, but I fear it will be misconstrued and upset people. Even though that is not my intention.

 

[wiIIow]

This thread is extremely important. I want to respond to it, but I fear it will be misconstrued and upset people. Even though that is not my intention.

You always have very well-worded, informative posts that tend to add a lot to any thread you post in. I greatly value what you have to say and do hope you change your mind

 

[leaps]

This thread is extremely important. I want to respond to it, but I fear it will be misconstrued and upset people. Even though that is not my intention.

Was this a moral-of-the-story kind of post?

 

[ScottPilgram]

I feel this. I skipped a lot of high school, slept in, didn't apply for colleges, ect, because I thought I was going to kill myself. I'm 19 now. I didn't think I would reach this age. There have been so many nights where I would go for a walk, contemplate hanging myself, almost do it, but god I never had the guts. I'm just afraid. I'm dissapointed in myself because now im just fucked.

 

[21Neberg]

I'm still doing everything I'd be doing if I did believe I had a happy future. I just want to work on my future in case I don't succeed in killing myself.

 

[suffering]

This is a touchy topic. I did the same, but I did put some effort, there was definitely some sort of passion in the way I lived. And I always counted on suicide if things go wrong, which made me very adventurous and capable of taking many risks. "There is always plan B, right? Riiight?". Well, for me it isn't. Turns out I don't have the constitution for suicide.
I lived my life with the wrong premise that I have the key to freedom. I don't.
So all the effort that I skipped, all the risks, all the recklessness, it's all coming back to me, torturing me on the edge of agony and despair.
I truly hope you will not face the same situation and that you do have the key, regardless if you decide to use it or not.

 

[JustAboutDone]

This really interested me as, although I don't know your background @TheGoodGuy , it is something my psychiatrist and psychologist has talked about a lot with me.

For some people, particularly if they have a bad background or depression, they never expect to live so they can't plan ahead as they have no visual of them having a future.

I remember this very clearly from when I was 10 thinking, why look forward to X - I'll be dead by then. And it makes your whole life really hard to cope with as you don't expect to be here day after day. It used to weird me out at school when people would say, "I'm going to be a Vet" I'd think how the hell can they know there will be a tomorrow???

Btw sorry about the yellow @lemmeeleev used I asked as it cheers me up!

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Yellow in the light version of this site is awful! Feel like I should be wearing glasses.

Back to the O/P :

I have the same feeling , planned to CTB when I was 18,22, end of last year... now I'm 26. Some how I've put zero effort into my life yet some how I've floated through and ended up in a decent position.
This still doesn't change anything unfortunatley we are all confined to our own thoughts and to the inevitable. Ive always questioned why and seen it as pointless.
Life's a game that no one gets out a live.

I'm still doing everything I'd be doing if I did believe I had a happy future. I just want to work on my future in case I don't succeed in killing myself.

I'm still doing everything I'd be doing if I did believe I had a happy future. I just want to work on my future in case I don't succeed in killing myself.

It seems like there are a lot of people who apparently still can apply themselves in life and I don´t get how you people can. Maybe it´s because you have always been suicidal but never really planned to kill yourselves? Because as I said I always thought I wouldn´t live to be 20 years old so when you think you won´t live to even be 20 years old then I really couldn´t see any point in school.

There have been so many nights where I would go for a walk, contemplate hanging myself,

That brings back memories I remember doing the same when I was 18-19 and still had depression and was able to feel real emotions I would walk early in the morning in the forest while the sun was about to arise after smoking weed the whole night looking for the perfect tree to hang myself sigh.. Good times I wish I had killed myself back then, I even realized my social life was officially over at 17 and I was right.

This is a touchy topic. I did the same, but I did put some effort, there was definitely some sort of passion in the way I lived. And I always counted on suicide if things go wrong, which made me very adventurous and capable of taking many risks. "There is always plan B, right? Riiight?". Well, for me it isn't. Turns out I don't have the constitution for suicide.
I lived my life with the wrong premise that I have the key to freedom. I don't.
So all the effort that I skipped, all the risks, all the recklessness, it's all coming back to me, torturing me on the edge of agony and despair.
I truly hope you will not face the same situation and that you do have the key, regardless if you decide to use it or not.

How old are you if I may ask?

And I definitely get the plan B I have always found comfort in knowing I could just kill myself if life gets too rough but of course it isn´t always as easy as people think, but that is how I have thought since my teen years and it didn´t make me depressed it was just a fact; I can actually just kill myself if life gets too rough.

This really interested me as, although I don't know your background @TheGoodGuy , it is something my psychiatrist and psychologist has talked about a lot with me.

For some people, particularly if they have a bad background or depression, they never expect to live so they can't plan ahead as they have no visual of them having a future.

I remember this very clearly from when I was 10 thinking, why look forward to X - I'll be dead by then. And it makes your whole life really hard to cope with as you don't expect to be here day after day. It used to weird me out at school when people would say, "I'm going to be a Vet" I'd think how the hell can they know there will be a tomorrow???

Btw sorry about the yellow @lemmeeleev used I asked as it cheers me up!

Yeah at most I would maybe think 6-12 month into the future and still I wouldn´t be certain I would be alive so how the hell am I going to plan for the future.

Btw: I am also colorblind so the yellow really messes with my brain haha.

 

[lemmeeleev]

Btw: I am also colorblind so the yellow really messes with my brain haha.

Yeah, sorry about that lol. If you really can't read something, just highlight it btw.

What about purple?

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Yeah, sorry about that lol. If you really can't read something, just highlight it btw.

What about purple?

I did highlight it but I can read it, it just messes with my eyes. Yeah I can read the purple fine I just prefer black on white because other colors looks annoying when reading. The best way to describe it is it gives off a bit of a neon light kind of light.

 

[21Neberg]

It seems like there are a lot of people who apparently still can apply themselves in life and I don´t get how you people can. Maybe it´s because you have always been suicidal but never really planned to kill yourselves? Because as I said I always thought I wouldn´t live to be 20 years old so when you think you won´t live to even be 20 years old then I really couldn´t see any point in school.

I do have a plan to kill myself, and I've tried to hang myself. The reason I can still work on my future is because I'm a failure and I know I don't have the courage and strength to pull through with the attempt.

 

[charlixoh]

I do have a plan to kill myself, and I've tried to hang myself. The reason I can still work on my future is because I'm a failure and I know I don't have the courage and strength to pull through with the attempt.

I hear you on that one.. can't even win at dying lol

 

[Ness]

I kept trying to figure out some sort of future for myself for approximately two or so years after I started thinking about catching the bus, mainly because that's how long it took me to figure out that all the stuff people used to praise me for as a kid are things I'm not actually good at enough to do as a job. I will be catching the bus, though, sometime in the next 2-3 years at the absolute most.