**in advance i'd like to apologize for any typos and my grammar, ah haha**
Growing up I learned how to completely numb myself, and I genuinely hate it. I care for the world and I care for others, in fact, I am the nicest, most sincere person I know. But once when the hurt is coming from me, I do not care. Its weird. I am completely numb to my emotions yet so aware of them.
I sit here, just fucking vibin' my days out. I decided to put my work on pause, I do not eat, I do not have any life plan, and that's okay, to an extent. I am not upset because I have no idea what I am going to do with my life, I am upset because I am choosing to ruin my life. I know I can do what I set my heart to, I know I am good at what I do. And that is the problem. I am aware that I do know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I know there is hope. So why the HECK do I still want to end my life? Why do I hurt myself, why do I do drugs/smoke? I don't even fucking enjoy the drugs. I hate them, they do not make the pain go away. They are a complete waste of money. But what does my dumbass do? Hit my dealer up for an 8ball every week. I don't know.. I am just rambling at this point. I feel like I've embedded the thought of suicide so deep into my brain, I ruin anything and everything good for me. I'm obsessed with the thought of me being the one to end me. I am terrified of dying a no one, that is why the plan was to continue my work, and give all my money away and help others learn. Now the plan is do drugs till my body has had it. The sad part is that the ending of my relationship meant having to move back home, because everything I work for, I worked for us, and planed for us. That being said, I hope it is not my grandmother that finds my body.
I am also not saying I've no reason to be sad, I don't want to sound like an edgy kid who just wants to die for the fuck of it. Bad things have happened to me, and those things have shaped me into this ball of distress who wants to oh so very much live out her full potential. but also wants so kill herself. And you know what, Its not even that I want to kill myself all the time. I know it sounds like I am uncertain but honestly, I am just pausing the inevitable and I do not want to feel this pain anymore. I am so confused lmao. I do enjoy life, but that does not mean i want to live it. I see the beauty in the world, and I see what can be done. I know I could get some type of help. I know there is always a possibility to get better, i will not write that off, because I am very open mined and I see all sides to every thought that goes through my head, and situation. The thing is, I don't know if I want to get better. I don't know if I want to try to become this vision I have of myself. Y'all know how hard it is to get better? Lmao. My friend told me that the first step is to stay away from the things that trigger you, and that's such bullshit to me. In the words of Bojack Horseman "I'm supposed to be responsible for my own happiness? I cant even be responsible for my own breakfast!" You might say "okay, so put your big girl pants on and TRY! YOU are responsible for bettering yourself!" And I get that 3000%. I just don't know if I want to try. I repeat myself tons, apologies. Well anyways, that is all, for now.
I hope someone will be able to tell me that the fuck is wrong with me, or tell me I am absolutely out of my mind and help me see this from a different point of view.
Growing up I learned how to completely numb myself, and I genuinely hate it. I care for the world and I care for others, in fact, I am the nicest, most sincere person I know. But once when the hurt is coming from me, I do not care. Its weird. I am completely numb to my emotions yet so aware of them.
I sit here, just fucking vibin' my days out. I decided to put my work on pause, I do not eat, I do not have any life plan, and that's okay, to an extent. I am not upset because I have no idea what I am going to do with my life, I am upset because I am choosing to ruin my life. I know I can do what I set my heart to, I know I am good at what I do. And that is the problem. I am aware that I do know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I know there is hope. So why the HECK do I still want to end my life? Why do I hurt myself, why do I do drugs/smoke? I don't even fucking enjoy the drugs. I hate them, they do not make the pain go away. They are a complete waste of money. But what does my dumbass do? Hit my dealer up for an 8ball every week. I don't know.. I am just rambling at this point. I feel like I've embedded the thought of suicide so deep into my brain, I ruin anything and everything good for me. I'm obsessed with the thought of me being the one to end me. I am terrified of dying a no one, that is why the plan was to continue my work, and give all my money away and help others learn. Now the plan is do drugs till my body has had it. The sad part is that the ending of my relationship meant having to move back home, because everything I work for, I worked for us, and planed for us. That being said, I hope it is not my grandmother that finds my body.
I am also not saying I've no reason to be sad, I don't want to sound like an edgy kid who just wants to die for the fuck of it. Bad things have happened to me, and those things have shaped me into this ball of distress who wants to oh so very much live out her full potential. but also wants so kill herself. And you know what, Its not even that I want to kill myself all the time. I know it sounds like I am uncertain but honestly, I am just pausing the inevitable and I do not want to feel this pain anymore. I am so confused lmao. I do enjoy life, but that does not mean i want to live it. I see the beauty in the world, and I see what can be done. I know I could get some type of help. I know there is always a possibility to get better, i will not write that off, because I am very open mined and I see all sides to every thought that goes through my head, and situation. The thing is, I don't know if I want to get better. I don't know if I want to try to become this vision I have of myself. Y'all know how hard it is to get better? Lmao. My friend told me that the first step is to stay away from the things that trigger you, and that's such bullshit to me. In the words of Bojack Horseman "I'm supposed to be responsible for my own happiness? I cant even be responsible for my own breakfast!" You might say "okay, so put your big girl pants on and TRY! YOU are responsible for bettering yourself!" And I get that 3000%. I just don't know if I want to try. I repeat myself tons, apologies. Well anyways, that is all, for now.
I hope someone will be able to tell me that the fuck is wrong with me, or tell me I am absolutely out of my mind and help me see this from a different point of view.
