Qua
there's no turning back now
- Apr 30, 2023
- 76
It's going to be so messy, but I was just sitting, enjoying myself when this gut wrenching feeling caught up to me. I've been feeling good for a longer time now, even though I haven't taken my meds for even longer time. I started thinking about it and got sad, genuinely sad at the thought that I might be getting better. I don't want it? I want to stay as down low as I can, I want to come back to feeling like shit every night, I want to come back to my intrusive thoughts, I want to come back to randomly panicking. I might sound like an absolute fool, like I'm crazy, but I really don't want to get better. I started trying to do anything I could to just get more and more sad, to not feel good and happy anymore. I used to abuse calming meds and this idea popped up in my mind to try and feel how it was again, but to go so bad I become unresponsive. I don't know why I'm feeling like that, because I know for a fact when I am having a mental breakdown I want to end it, I want to be happy and feel normal, so why when I do feel normal I want it to go the other way? It's so stupid and uncomfortable