Why does perception matter so much?

[Ninaea]

I hate that I care what people think. I've been planning on CTB via partial hanging for the past couple of months. Once I get 10 seconds or so into it, I back out. I know that if I was completely wasted, it would be a lot easier to overcome SI. The problem is, I don't want to be written off as an alcoholic statistic. I'm not CTB because I'm intoxicated. I'm doing it because I've been struggling for the past 12 years with other issues.

The same goes with narcotics. Opiates would be my preferred method. Use a needle, drift off into a peaceful, blissful slumber, and not wake up. Take a handful of pills, enjoy my last couple of hours until I succumb to the euphoric inebriation of oxycodone. No anxiety, no reservations. Just total, tranquil bliss.

The problem? I'm in the military. I don't have much family. I just don't want everyone to write me off as a junkie or addict. My issues are rooted in deep physiological/psychological shortcomings.

I get paid in a couple days, I live near a dense metropolitan area, (Seattle to be exact), getting the components necessary to go out peacefully wouldn't be difficult. Yet I'm struggling to make the jump. Why does life have to do this to us…

 

[Oblivion Access]

Honestly, I wouldn't worry (lol easier said than done) about how people will perceive your suicide so much, not much you can do to be honest. If you don't use substances your suicide will just be written off as the result of someone who is "mentally ill" and "didn't get the help they needed", whatever your actual circumstances might've been. I feel you on the opiates, I was close to gone off the opiates, no complaints besides being mad I was revived lol. The truth is, we have so little power over how we're perceived, in life and death alike. It might be better to embrace than resist it, idk. Maybe it's just a way of coping with feelings of powerlessness.

 

[Everybody_yells]

I agree with the above response. There is no denying how powerless humans are. We are only as strong as our morals and codes bind us to. Beyond that, against time? against nature ? there is no denying, we are infinitesimally small.

Coming to your concern about others perception. I'm not sure if you are a religious person but if you are not, and if you do not believe in reincarnation and stuff like that, you do realize that its oblivion that awaits you at the end of the tunnel. Not heaven, not hell, not some other birth, but just a big black canvas of nothing. Its possible that you would have no recollection of your life here that you are living, so does it really matter what you leave behind? You can hope to be doing something good for the society and then have the footprint be left behind for others to remember you. but in the big span of events, does it really matter?

If you spill a cup of coffee and leave a stain on the table cloth, you know you are there to witness it tomorrow and then you do (more or less likely). But for something like death, that is filled with uncertainty, I think I see it as a liberation in a way, to live accepting death, to realize that nothing actually matters and that nobody is going to judge you and even if they do, you know it is as momentary as the lifespan of a dragonfly. Don't worry about what impression you are going to leave behind, because if you begin to change based on that, then you'd not be yourself and that would be even harder to live by!

 

[Niko66]

Well in a sense perception is all that matters, the world exists as matter, energy, what say you, I am not a physics guy. But it is through our senses and our brains that we interpret it and create it as we know it as living beings.

Ultimately I think it's best to look out for ourselves and one way or another minimize our suffering. People will ultimately think what they want to think, no matter what they will also use their own perception and project their own reality and beliefs into whatever you do, usually this is a problem because when we are alive we need connections and to fit into society and adjust ourselves to thrive. But when we are gone none of it will matter and the people who thought shit about you will be in the grand scheme of things soon gone too.

I doubt any of what I just said makes any difference but in your case perhaps a note would help you in more a practical sense? Give your own version of reality to others and don't leave everything up to interpretation.

 

[narudo]

I feel a lot for the copious amounts of people from the military that have ctb. They do so much for our country and they get treated like shit when they come back home. I really wish you all the best dude.

 

[Seeking_Peace]

I hate that I care what people think. I've been planning on CTB via partial hanging for the past couple of months. Once I get 10 seconds or so into it, I back out. I know that if I was completely wasted, it would be a lot easier to overcome SI. The problem is, I don't want to be written off as an alcoholic statistic. I'm not CTB because I'm intoxicated. I'm doing it because I've been struggling for the past 12 years with other issues.

The same goes with narcotics. Opiates would be my preferred method. Use a needle, drift off into a peaceful, blissful slumber, and not wake up. Take a handful of pills, enjoy my last couple of hours until I succumb to the euphoric inebriation of oxycodone. No anxiety, no reservations. Just total, tranquil bliss.

The problem? I'm in the military. I don't have much family. I just don't want everyone to write me off as a junkie or addict. My issues are rooted in deep physiological/psychological shortcomings.

I get paid in a couple days, I live near a dense metropolitan area, (Seattle to be exact), getting the components necessary to go out peacefully wouldn't be difficult. Yet I'm struggling to make the jump. Why does life have to do this to us…

When I was younger I had the same dilemma regarding perception. However, as I aged, I realized what matters is how I feel(suffering) because those around me will move on whether I die naturally or not.

 

[FuneralCry]

To me, nothing really matters at all. Things may seem significant and important to us now, but after all everything is meaningless and nothing will be able to matter to us once we die. I'm sorry that you suffer and are in this situation. I guess that all someone can do is write a note to explain their reasons for ctb so others know why they chose this. I wish you the best in whatever happens.