Why does my brain swing between dying and trying to live?

[Final Escape]

How can u get your brain to make a decision? This shouldn't even be possible for your brain to do this. It feels almost like my brain attacks me lol! Something hyjacks me and this rigid, inflexible, stubborn, psycho takes over. I often will feel a terrifying sense of helplessness when what appears like destroyer me takes over. It feels like a split personality but I'm aware it might be emotional flashbacks and being triggered.

 

[Aesthler]

I get this sometimes myself, I know it's like a nightmare ride that you feel like you can't get off sometimes. I hope the roller coaster ends and you can be on a more even keel.

 

[TiredHorse]

I think I experience something similar, only the reverse of yours: I'm ready to go, but then savior-me appears and pulls me back from the edge. I feel like a toddler being restrained by an adult. Very frustrating.

I hope you can find some relief from the swings.

 

[Final Escape]

I get this sometimes myself, I know it's like a nightmare ride that you feel like you can't get off sometimes. I hope the roller coaster ends and you can be on a more even keel.

It's disconcerting that I can be so hopeless from one second to fairly stable and even have hope the next lol! But the extremes are so extreme that I leaned towards ctb just because I can't sustain the less rigid and more flexible times.

 

[Aesthler]

It's disconcerting that I can be so hopeless from one second to fairly stable and even have hope the next lol! But the extremes are so extreme that I leaned towards ctb just because I can't sustain the less rigid and more flexible times.

Yes, I get that. Sometimes I'm feeling so down and ready and then I literally wake up the next day and I'm fine and ready to take on life again until I stumble over myself again. I leave it up to whatever happens, happens. If I tip over the edge one day then so be it, I've made impulse decisions before. I genuinely feel like I'm trying my best though, I guess that counts for something.

 

[NotWorthLiving]

I'm the same with you. I keep swinging and that only makes me want to ctb more.

 

[Final Escape]

It's complex ptsd with the borderline features. I'm aware there is help for complex ptsd but I could never afford that type of longterm care. That's why I want to ctb. As if others here don't know what I'm experiencing lol! I know I don't have to justify why I want to ctb here with anyone. I don't really want to die but if the alternative is more pain and no traction in life, it makes sense.

 

[BrokenMess]

I am right there with you. I know mine is more related to my monthly cycle. The only time I feel like not dying and trying is during ovulation when my hormones are probably at the range they should be all the time. The rest of the month I'm digging my grave. The back and forth is so tiring

 

[Sensei]

I absolutely recognize this in myself. I really want to die and I really want to live. One day, the few reasons I have to stay alive will disappear and I will succumb to my suicidal impulses, but I'm not there yet. Since I came here I've realized that there's no hurry..

 

[blipblap]

I absolutely recognize this in myself. I really want to die and I really want to live. One day, the few reasons I have to stay alive will disappear and I will succumb to my suicidal impulses, but I'm not there yet. Since I came here I've realized that there's no hurry..

Same here, I promised myself I'd go out before it got too bad, but there just isn't a way to tell, and although I have the SI and I have hopes for the future it doesn't take much to crush them. I have the feeling it will only get worse and worse, but I'll try nonetheless.

 

[Ghosted]

In a Psy 101 class in a galaxy far, far away...

Id - Toddler screaming for a cookie.

Ego - You

Super Ego - Overzealous British nanny telling you not to do this, that, or the other.

The Ego does not want to let go of life. The Ego wants to continue at all cost. This is why suicide is so difficult. The Ego can ignore both the Id and Super Ego, but it cannot ignore the idea that this is the only life it will have, even if this life sucks.

Case in point:

People who survive self-inflicted gun shot wounds. You may think you're ready to die, your hands may be steady, but when you go to pull the trigger you hand twitches.

Side note: There is no such thing as a gun cleaning accident. This code for suicide or attempted suicide.