Venting why does my brain insist on torturing itself?

[vampire2002]

i hate that my brain is like this. i hate it i hate it i hate it. having OCD is so fucking awful. all the time i ask myself, "what i did to deserve this?" i don't really think i did anything so bad. i'm not a perfect person, i've made mistakes and done things i regret, of course, who hasn't? so why me? why do i get stuck with this shit?
an old therapist once mentioned it could be some stupid trauma response, in that case it's not my "fault." so i got bad-touched as a kid and now i want to kill myself and every day is a battle with my own head. great. when i put it like that, it makes it sound even more stupid. why am i the one who ends up with my life ruined and not the ones who abused me? i want it all to stop. i need it all to stop.

it's a bit better now that i'm medicated, i'm on prozac but it feels like the effects have slowly worn off and i don't want to up my dosage. so i just stopped taking them cold turkey (yeah yeah, i know) for the past 2 weeks and took them again a few days ago to see if that makes the same amount work well again, like a detox. i don't like having to take meds. it helps my OCD, but it also just makes me feel weird and not like myself

i don't want to keep living like this. it's so tiring and so few people really understand how hard it is or have sympathy. every day is exhausting and yet i do so much less than everyone else. i leave the house like once or twice a month, so everyone around me kind of looks down on me and sees me as a pathetic failure and a waste of space. or at least i do. most people think i'm lazy, but i work so hard on my OCD just to go fucking crazy over it and make so little progress. and any progress that's made is so easily undone by one little slip up. and there's so much pressure on me to "get better" fast, like immediately. i understand why, but all it does is add to the stress and it's suffocating me.

i hate what my life has devolved into. i hate looking back on the past and realizing all the things i was able to do every day, without even thinking about it and taking that for granted. i hate that i didn't even know i had OCD for so long and i didn't know you weren't supposed to give into compulsions and made it so much worse without even knowing any better, so it was considered severe by the time i got diagnosed.
most of all i hate knowing that i'll have OCD for the rest of my life. sure, it might improve, slowly and through painstaking effort, but it can get worse again much easier with one mistake that tumbles into a domino effect. i'm stuck with this shit and it's so unbearable. it's not fair. i know life isn't fair, but for fuck's sake, how many mental illnesses did i have to get stacked with? and my mental illnesses giving me physical ones? i'm so stressed and exhausted every moment of every day and yet i have so little to show for it.

if i'm going to be stuck with this for the rest of my life, i might as well just get it over with sooner rather than suffering through this for another ~70 years. because what's the point of even living if it's like this?

 

[Enlighten]

I'm sorry you're going through this. The human mind is truly an enigma. You obviously didn't deserve this, nobody does.
I can't quite say i understand how it is to live with OCD, but i definetely empathize with you. I don't see you as a failure. I think you're courageous for keeping on trying, again and again. It's when you don't see progress that it is the hardest to keep going and you're doing just that.
I hope you don't give up <3

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

I have automatic negative thoughts every single day about past abuse I suffered as a child.
These intrusive thoughts are on a loop and it's extremely difficult to stop them.
I sometimes think that the actual abuse I suffered is preferable to the torture in my head that can last for days ŵhen I am going through a really bad spell of these flashbacks and dreaming of killing my abusers.
Sorry you are struggling, it's awful.

 

[UserHussein]

I know exactly how you feel. I was diagnosed officially with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder when I was 20, but I have been suffering through the symptoms my whole life. If you look through my post history, you can sort of piece together what my obsession is, this obsession has been going on for over a year now and I can't take it anymore. I will repeat thoughts, and verbally repeat mantras to myself, for an extended period of weeks at a town. Entire days waisted due to obsessive thoughts and compulsive actions, and I can't take it anymore. My obsessive thought process will sometimes give me headaches, and I feel so exhausted. I also have traumatic events I'll ruminate over, I absolutely hate this. Those events were painful and I want to put it in the past, but my mind won't let me.