Venting Why does it seem so easy to CTB untill I'm about to do it?

[AngelTears]

I've accidentally and purposely OD'd many times, but sadly I always end up waking up.

It seems I'm always a couple milligrams away from eternal peace.

When I think about it in my head it seems so easy, so simple, it makes me feel almost euphoric.

I find it a little sick tbh, but I love daydreaming about being found dead. Just thinking about everything finally clicking in their heads, that my suffering wasn't made up. It's like having the final say in a conversation.

Well, back to the topic, recently, when the time comes and I'm all kitted up and ready to go, I just feel this mounting dread and sadness. Like, I think about my family and my future, shit I normally don't give a fuck about. And I feel like this leads me to subconciouslly under-dose myself.

I fucking hate my life. It's just a toxic cycle of hopelessness and self-destruction. My family sees me like some sort of starchild, like their only opportunity out of poverty, and I don't want to be here anymore.

I don't know what they see in me because all I see is a void so deep that if I fall in it I prolly won't see the light of day ever again.

Has this ever happened to you? And does anyone have a eay to overcome it?

 

[Redhat83]

I totally get what you are saying like you're constantly thinking about and feeling awful all the time and day dreaming about being found dead but when you're actually about to do it it suddenly feels real and scary in terms of how to overcome it I'm not really sure I'm still working on it I'm thinking of probably being heavily under the influence of something at the time so you're not thinking rationally when you do it maybe getting really drunk or high or just mentally purposely make yourself feel worse by isolating yourself and staying awake for days so you're drunk on exhaustion and insanity

 

[TimetoGo!]

I've accidentally and purposely OD'd many times, but sadly I always end up waking up.

It seems I'm always a couple milligrams away from eternal peace.

When I think about it in my head it seems so easy, so simple, it makes me feel almost euphoric.

I find it a little sick tbh, but I love daydreaming about being found dead. Just thinking about everything finally clicking in their heads, that my suffering wasn't made up. It's like having the final say in a conversation.

Well, back to the topic, recently, when the time comes and I'm all kitted up and ready to go, I just feel this mounting dread and sadness. Like, I think about my family and my future, shit I normally don't give a fuck about. And I feel like this leads me to subconciouslly under-dose myself.

I fucking hate my life. It's just a toxic cycle of hopelessness and self-destruction. My family sees me like some sort of starchild, like their only opportunity out of poverty, and I don't want to be here anymore.

I don't know what they see in me because all I see is a void so deep that if I fall in it I prolly won't see the light of day ever again.

Has this ever happened to you? And does anyone have a eay to overcome it?

100% agree and understand what you mean. Its that SI that kicks in subconsciously when you are set up to CTB……ive been there many times recently and just cant pull the trigger at the last second, so to speak

 

[AngelTears]

I totally get what you are saying like you're constantly thinking about and feeling awful all the time and day dreaming about being found dead but when you're actually about to do it it suddenly feels real and scary in terms of how to overcome it I'm not really sure I'm still working on it I'm thinking of probably being heavily under the influence of something at the time so you're not thinking rationally when you do it maybe getting really drunk or high or just mentally purposely make yourself feel worse by isolating yourself and staying awake for days so you're drunk on exhaustion and insanity

Thanks for replying, I'll be looking into applying sone of the techniques you mentioned...

Bless you.

100% agree and understand what you mean. Its that SI that kicks in subconsciously when you are set up to CTB……ive been there many times recently and just cant pull the trigger at the last second, so to speak

SI is the worst

 

[FuneralCry]

I don't really think that overdosing is a particularly reliable method anyway so that's why it failed, suicide just isn't straightforward in this world and if people could easily succeed in OD with easily accessible pills then this website would never need to exist. I've read of many people on here going through failed OD attempts before they found this site and started reading about actual methods. But in my case suicide has never seemed easy as it simply isn't, it isn't like people can just easily buy peaceful poisons from the pharmacy, to me all the methods are either risky, inaccessible or just horrible/incredibly difficult to go through with.

But I guess that many people manage to get the courage for methods like jumping and hanging as they get so determined, or manage to find something reliable that they can access, but of course it's like the survival instinct exists to trap us here and prolong suffering, suicide is too difficult in this world.

 

[soontobedone]

I think if SN was 100% reliable it would be easier to just do it. With all the variables, even with protocol, I'm having a hard time going for it.

 

[emptyheart]

Just had a similar experience. I'm using it as a sign that I'm either not ready or don't really want to go out like that. It's easy to idealize death, it takes away all of your problems and makes the painful shit stop, but actively participating in suicide is a much different story. There are layers to our psyche and sometimes we don't see the real truth until we are forced to act. It's okay to accept the fact that now might not be the time. Forcing the issue and overcoming your SI isn't going to give you more peace about the situation. It's your brains way of telling you this isn't something you really want right now.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

I get close... but then I just... can't?

Sometimes I'll mentally cycle through a bunch of menthods and find it all impossible.

I dunno how to figure out a method that I can do.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I've accidentally and purposely OD'd many times, but sadly I always end up waking up.

It seems I'm always a couple milligrams away from eternal peace.

When I think about it in my head it seems so easy, so simple, it makes me feel almost euphoric.

I find it a little sick tbh, but I love daydreaming about being found dead. Just thinking about everything finally clicking in their heads, that my suffering wasn't made up. It's like having the final say in a conversation.

Well, back to the topic, recently, when the time comes and I'm all kitted up and ready to go, I just feel this mounting dread and sadness. Like, I think about my family and my future, shit I normally don't give a fuck about. And I feel like this leads me to subconciouslly under-dose myself.

I fucking hate my life. It's just a toxic cycle of hopelessness and self-destruction. My family sees me like some sort of starchild, like their only opportunity out of poverty, and I don't want to be here anymore.

I don't know what they see in me because all I see is a void so deep that if I fall in it I prolly won't see the light of day ever again.

Has this ever happened to you? And does anyone have a eay to overcome it?

OD isn't successful in most cases rather it causes harm to your body and increases your pain when failing. Have you ever tried a real attempt with a method that can kill you if nothing goes wrong and nobody interferes in the crucial moments? Probably you only tried OD because you still have hopes left and it's a call for help. You should try to detect the reason and the source why you want to CTB. Then decide whether this reason and source can be eleiminated or not. If the anser is "No, it can't be elliminated" look for other reliable CTB methods if this is the only way out. I wish you all the best!

 

[leftdreaming]

I'm the opposite. The motivation is where I struggle but when I attempt I go for it easily. I found that it's the mindset that makes it work for me, personally, but I've heard others state that it's not that easy.