My childhood was awful. My mother hated me and abused me physically, verbally and emotionally all the time. My father was an alcoholic and got really bad when he got addicted after losing his job. There was domestic abuse in my house from my father to my mother since he didn't like her hitting me and she refused to stop. I came from a broken home, there was absolutely no love. Just misery, fear and torture. My own mother would say that I'm not her child and that she found me on the street, she loved her nieces but didn't love me at all. Everyone hated me in primary school, I only had three friends but they broke up with me on the last day of year 6 after a silly fight we had. I felt that my whole family from my mother's side hated me and only liked those two nieces. My father's side neglected me completely. I had to go to fostercare at the age of 11 because of the abuse but I came back home after a week. There wasn't a single good or happy memory.
My teen years were horrible aswell. Everyone hated me in high school. The popular group would say shit to me and I was bullied. I only had one best friend. The older girls from the three years above (8, 9 & 10) bullied, teased and laughed at me. This continued until I left school so it was constant for 4 years. I went to fostercare again in year 7 after me and my mum fought on my birthday and she hit me after I did something not good. My mother was more abusive throughout my teen years even though it was still a lot when I was a child. She would hit me with clothes hangers, sticks and curtain poles, tv remotes, broomstick, even a hammer, anything she could find. My father was away because he wasn't allowed to come home since I was 10 because of the domestic abuse. He was still drinking alcohol despite living with my grandmother whom lived close to us. I was the loser kid at school. I was obviously always picked last in PE, no one would talk to me. No one took the time to get to know me, they didn't want to know. I went through more bullying and was laughed at after some stupid decisions I made from facebook. I had a big group of friends with my best friend included in it, they broke up with us after a fight we had. I still felt that all of my family hated me. A girl joined me and my best friend and the three of us became best friends. Within a few months into that, she would treat me badly. Call me names, threatening and using me. I had the fear of losing my best friend so I had to stay with her aswell. If I didn't stay with both of them, I would've had no one. Everyone thought I was ugly and a loser, I did too. I began self-harming at 13, I became severely anxious, depressed and suicidal. All I felt was loneliness and emptiness, self-hatred, broken, ashamed etc. I had more horrible incidents online through messages. I struggled with religion at 14, my mother abused me more since she didn't approve of it. More incidents happened in college and the staff in the nursery I volunteered in for my course would gossip and snigger at me because of my social anxiety. I can never forget the faces they made, they didn't like me. I failed college after that. My father got alzheimers because of the alcohol, my mother's abuse continued and worsened.
My adult life became worse. An incident happened because of that "best friend" I had and her fucking selfishness. I lost my religion and peace of mind. I lost my hair because of the extreme stress and torment. I cried everyday for hours, days, weeks etc. The depression and suicidal thoughts got worse, I had severe anxiety and I couldn't leave my house. I wouldn't take care of my hair and I stopped taking baths. I became filthy on the outside like I was on the inside. I became rebellious and evil, an extreme sinner. I would hit myself and started smoking as self-harm, I threw up a few times. The torture at home got worse, I didn't talk to my mother for more than a month. I met a beautiful soul on here but he left after speaking to me for a short time, I cried all day, for days. I was willing to stay alive for him to be there for him, and hopefully, be with him. I took sleeping pills and had an accidental overdose the day he left. I couldn't handle the pain. I went through more abuse after that and I made horrible choices because of that "best friend" and the flight. I went downhill again in November, got even more worse and lost all hope altogether. I started self-harming again but the cuts were deeper. I would do it more often and I would hit myself. I became bulimic, I binged and purged every meal, at times to the point of heartburn and stomach acid coming out. I couldn't go out, I stayed in my room all those months and my depression got worser. I unwillingly had to get on a flight with that "best friend" who manipulated me and the police stopped us. I had to stay at my aunt's since I couldn't go home. I was miserable there aswell and I drank bleach and cut myself there when I had the chance. I'm currently staying at my other aunt's house and the feeling was still the same when I came here. I still feel hollow and misery even though I'm fooling myself. I still feel alone and that no one loves me.
This isn't everything, these are just the main things and the ones I could remember. I know a lot more has happened throughout my life. My life's sorrow was constant, the pain and suffering was always there and it never stopped for a moment. I'm only 20 and I've been through all of this shit. I wonder what I did to deserve any of this and why I was born. Now, I just tell myself that I deserve all of it. It's easier that way.
don't ever let anyone make you feel like you're crazy/selfish for feeling what you feel.
