Venting Why do I have to be this way?...

[FieldsofLavender]

Soon, my younger sister is going to be moving out. And here I am, still leeching off my parents, unable to get a job or even leave my room for longer than a couple of hours. She's found so much success already, becoming a successful actress, musician, and having a large online following, literally being the poster child for her school having been on all the advertising and literally the only person on multiple big posters, she's so independent and talented and successful and beautiful, and... Everything I'm not... Don't get me wrong, I am not bitter in any way to her, I am honestly so happy for her that she can do all these things, I love her music, her posts, she's great. I just... I feel so awful. I continue to leech off of my parents, I have a single plan for my future that is entirely dependent on the generosity of my best friend being willing to just take care of me for a little while, I just... It feels like I'm just a child still somehow, I can't even get myself to eat regularly without threat of punishment if I don't, what is wrong with me?... Why did I have to end up like this?...

When I say 'this,' there are a lot of things I refer to, ehehe... I'm a schizophrenic, constantly anxious, severely depressed, mess of a girl, I struggle to stand up for myself and was far too trusting in the past, leading to getting taken advantage of over and over and over again, I'm a big dummy and just haven't been able to handle school pretty much ever since it actually became meaningful... Why does this have to be me... Why am do I have to be such a disappointment... My parents constantly tell me that I have to be productive, that I'm not being a productive citizen, that it's very important I be productive, and I just... I don't understand, I don't understand how, and I don't understand why, I just want my pain to stop, I just... Why can't I just be like my sister?... What did I do to deserve this?... I must have done something wrong, I must have, I can't... I don't understand... I just... I'm so tired... I can't even type right, I've rewritten this post like six times already because I just devolve into nonsense about being manipulated into sex work and the game OFF and just... Why does everything have to hurt so much?... Why do I have to be this way?...

Sorry this post is stupid... I'm sorry if you read the whole thing... I hope I'm not being too much of a dramatic dummy...

 

[BrailleTogepi]

I wish I knew what to tell you. You don't deserve any of this in the slightest, and I'm sorry you're going through it all.

 

[LocalAngel]

I understand entirely friend, as you know. It's not as simple as just getting out and putting in the effort- it's the healing required to be able to do that without expending tons and tons of energy. Basically, a lot of therapy, a lot of talking... and someone to be there for you when you're at your lowest. You have your best friend. It may be really really awful rn, but if you think you can get better, then i think so too friend. Care about you lots.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I can relate. I don't know why I had to be so aberrant too. I have a twin too who despite his brothers has fared better in life that I could only dream of.

 

[FuneralCry]

The reality is that there could never be anything fair about existing in this cruel world and this is just the way that things are. It's simply unfair how many people suffer all through no fault of their own, but anyway best wishes.

 

[TheSkyIsBlue]

Like others have already said this world just isn't fair. It's not your fault that you suffer from schizophrenia and other issues. It's sad and I can relate to your feelings. Just know you did nothing wrong.

 

[VioletNight]

It's not your fault that you suffer from all of that, and you don't deserve it in the slightest.

Nobody should tell you to be more like someone else, you're you, not them. You have to do things your way, in your own time. Also it's okay to need help, that's not a moral failing. If your family won't help when you need it then that's them being shitty family not you.