Venting Why do I feel so much pain about ctb?

[BlueButterfly111]

In this month long journey of waiting for my Sn to arrive, I've felt so much pain about ctb, even though I know for sure it's the right decision for me to make. I'm so sure that I want to ctb, because I'm in so much pain every single day, but there's still doubts and heavy guilt about leaving my loved one behind.

I feel very guilty about leaving my friend/roomate behind, they are basically like family and we've spent a lot of time together for the past 2 years. I know that they will be really sad if I ctb, and that pains me so much because I have so much love for them. I sometimes even have thoughts of sticking around a little longer just for them, but I don't think I can do this anymore, I'm just in too much pain.

I just miss my boyfriend too much! I think about him constantly every single day, and the grief and guilt have taken control over all of my thoughts. Also, life is not worth living without him, and I just want to die so bad.

I'm also afraid because like I've said before, others have received their Sn in like a week and I've been waiting for a month. What's if it's a sign from the universe that I'm not supposed to die yet? Also sometimes I feel a really scary pain in my chest when I think about the Sn actually arriving. It's like I'm ready to go, but I can't believe that this is the end, and that all of it has come to this conclusion. But then other times I can't wait for it to arrive.

It's just a rollercoaster of emotions. I'm sure that I want to die, but why does all of it have to be so painful? I'm in so much pain, and the only thing that numbs it is alcohol, that's why I drink almost every night.

 

[zawmbite]

i think it's very natural to feel so many overwhelming and negative emotions awaiting the arrival of sn, the pain is unfortunately something most people deal with :( i don't know why the concept of "the end" is so difficult, but it is rational for our brains to make us feel that way. i hope you feel peaceful soon. sending you so so much love.

 

[BlueButterfly111]

i think it's very natural to feel so many overwhelming and negative emotions awaiting the arrival of sn, the pain is unfortunately something most people deal with :( i don't know why the concept of "the end" is so difficult, but it is rational for our brains to make us feel that way. i hope you feel peaceful soon. sending you so so much love.

Thank you! I really needed to hear this

 

[ForeverCaHa]

I totally understand what you mean. My SN is apparently going to arrive tomorrow, and this both excites and terrifies me. I'll finally have the tools I need to make my exit, but it also means that I've really committed to this path.

I feel sick sometimes knowing what my choice will do to my close friends and family, but I hope they will understand that I am not acting out of hatred or spite, but love.

It was never going to be an easy choice to CTB, but life can be cruel, vicious, and heartless. Sure, it can be beautiful at times, but to go from pure bliss to an indescribable nightmare is one hell of a fall. Especially when it is your own fault (speaking for myself here, of course, not for you or anyone else).

My plan is to try to spend as much time with friends and family as possible leading up to my CTB. I'll put on a brave face, leave them with happy memories. Maybe this would be a good idea with your friend/roommate? Speaking from experience, the last moments with a loved one are burned into our memories. Leaving them behind with anger and tears is awful. I still hear him begging me to stay when I try to fall asleep at night. Tell your friend how great they are. Let that be what they hear.

Try to bring happiness to those around you (and I mean that regardless of whether or not any of us complete our plans to CTB).

And, of course, take care of yourself. None of this is easy, so try not to be too hard on yourself.

 

[TransTaxEvader]

In this month long journey of waiting for my Sn to arrive, I've felt so much pain about ctb, even though I know for sure it's the right decision for me to make. I'm so sure that I want to ctb, because I'm in so much pain every single day, but there's still doubts and heavy guilt about leaving my loved one behind.

I feel very guilty about leaving my friend/roomate behind, they are basically like family and we've spent a lot of time together for the past 2 years. I know that they will be really sad if I ctb, and that pains me so much because I have so much love for them. I sometimes even have thoughts of sticking around a little longer just for them, but I don't think I can do this anymore, I'm just in too much pain.

I just miss my boyfriend too much! I think about him constantly every single day, and the grief and guilt have taken control over all of my thoughts. Also, life is not worth living without him, and I just want to die so bad.

I'm also afraid because like I've said before, others have received their Sn in like a week and I've been waiting for a month. What's if it's a sign from the universe that I'm not supposed to die yet? Also sometimes I feel a really scary pain in my chest when I think about the Sn actually arriving. It's like I'm ready to go, but I can't believe that this is the end, and that all of it has come to this conclusion. But then other times I can't wait for it to arrive.

It's just a rollercoaster of emotions. I'm sure that I want to die, but why does all of it have to be so painful? I'm in so much pain, and the only thing that numbs it is alcohol, that's why I drink almost every night.

If you are very close friends I would tell them or at least leave them a note. Especially because they might feel guilt involving your departure. I hope you find peace and get better my friend. I'm open to chat if you would like to vent.

I feel like you should be more certain before you CTB.

But that's not my decision.

I wish you well.