Venting Why do I even bother?

[Faejin]

I am tired non-stop, but I still carry on and do this to better a future when I know that I won't be around to see the result of it all.

Why do I even do anything by this point? Why eat, drink, sleep, work, study? Should I not spend the rest of the time I give myself just having fun?

I always feel tired as if five trucks were on my back at all times, but I just keep going and I don't know why. Is it a sliver of hope that I'll get my will to live back? Or just plain obligation? I already wasted my youth by beating myself up over my mistakes, there's no point bothering to fix or solve anything now.

As a child I took a vow on my life to never willingly drink alcohol. Meaning that I would have to kill myself if I do. Why don't I just go get drunk for once and just end it?

I can't recall the last time I felt anything noteworthy except being exhausted all of the time. I have no motivation and not nearly enough discipline to keep this up, so why do I?

I know that there is no point to it, but yet I force myself up to do it anyways and I have no clue why. It just feels like I have to, an obligation or duty. Even if it makes my last few months hell too I know that I'll probably just keep at it for no reason except that I can.

 

[Havic228]

I feel you, what you need is some nature therapy, I do this very often as I am quite over work since me and a friend have started making a business and over the past few years slaved away at our jobs and stock exchange to get the money we needed. But I take a weekend and I just rent a cottage or get a tent and hike for the weekend, trust me you will feel a difference in your life you'll be happier and not feel pointless. If you want to talk more pm me
Or just talk here

 

[Forever Sleep]

Were you brought up with a strong work ethic- or need to achieve? I think that can influence us greatly.

I suppose- if we know we're going to be here for a while longer, there doesn't seem all that much choice in a way. If you've got no other means of support- then- you have to support yourself. If you start missing work and drinking etc. it may end up making your life worse.

Still- if you KNOW you want to go soon- maybe you should take some holiday. Do some of the things you've always wanted to try.

I suppose none of us absolutely know we're going to go ahead with it until the time comes. I think- to an extent- we just have to go through the motions until then.

I'm actually about to start a new job. That feels kind of ridiculous- because I'm desperate to CTB. Still, I don't feel like I can do it while my Dad is still alive and I need to support myself financially. Honestly- this change will almost certainly make things worse for me but I guess there's the tinniest chance they could improve. If they do- I ought to go with it really. I have no idea how long I'll have to wait- so- may as well make the time as bearable as possible.

I wish you all the best- whatever you decide to do. I do hope you can do some stuff that's nice though- may as well make the most of the time left.

 

[sunsetting]

You're living life on autopilot just the the majority of the population, sometimes I'm so involved in the "programming" that I can't even feel time pass. Don't think that those who drink are happier, they're doing the same thing as you but they add the intoxication routine once in a while in their lives and act like they're enjoying life fully. Funny you took that vow without trying alcohol not ever once. I don't drink it but that's because the taste of alcohol feels disgusting to me and the most I've ever enjoyed it is when it's added in a recipe.

 

[Faejin]

Funny you took that vow without trying alcohol not ever once.

I believe that a man is only worth as much as their word and due to growing up by lying about literally anything I could for attention I started taking those vows far more seriously after the age of fifteen or so.

How I picked up the no drinking alcohol willingly vow is actually quite funny as Lil'faejin heard that alcoholism was very common amongst the men in his family tree and made a vow on his life at the age of like nine without understanding it at all. Normally, you would just toss such an impulsive vow aside, but I got to try to hold on to any honesty I can.

(Lil'faejin = Me, but at like nine years old.)

 

[Faejin]

Were you brought up with a strong work ethic- or need to achieve? I think that can influence us greatly.

I suppose- if we know we're going to be here for a while longer, there doesn't seem all that much choice in a way. If you've got no other means of support- then- you have to support yourself. If you start missing work and drinking etc. it may end up making your life worse.

Still- if you KNOW you want to go soon- maybe you should take some holiday. Do some of the things you've always wanted to try.

I suppose none of us absolutely know we're going to go ahead with it until the time comes. I think- to an extent- we just have to go through the motions until then.

I'm actually about to start a new job. That feels kind of ridiculous- because I'm desperate to CTB. Still, I don't feel like I can do it while my Dad is still alive and I need to support myself financially. Honestly- this change will almost certainly make things worse for me but I guess there's the tinniest chance they could improve. If they do- I ought to go with it really. I have no idea how long I'll have to wait- so- may as well make the time as bearable as possible.

I wish you all the best- whatever you decide to do. I do hope you can do some stuff that's nice though- may as well make the most of the time left.

I have like four months at least as I have some stuff I have to do before I catch the buss along with choosing a method and preparing for it. I will be here for a decent bit longer unless things go much faster than I anticipated.

 

[FuneralCry]

Maybe people just carry on as doing such a thing is what they are used to. At the end of the day everything is pointless and just serves as a distraction from the fact that we will all die someday. I understand why you would feel so tired of it all though, but anyway best wishes.