Why do I always sink back into feeling suicidal?

[Madame Psychosis]

Sometimes I'm doing okay – eating healthy, socializing on a regular basis, getting all my coursework done on time, feeling not-necessarily-good in the strict sense of the word but certainly not in the pits of suicidal depression either. I sometimes even feel proud of myself for having pieced my life back together after all the suicidal episodes I've withstood over the years. And I'll think to myself, This is it. I've made it. I've learned to live with depression well enough that I can lead a normal high-functioning existence like everybody else. All that suicide stuff is behind me.

But of course, it's only a matter of time until the suicidal thoughts come back with a vengeance and undo all the progress I made when they're not around. I don't even fucking know what sets them off – one moment they're just there in my head again, encouraging me to gather all the supplies I need for another attempt while I just fucking rot in bed for a week or two, sleeping too much and eating not nearly enough. The only time I do anything "productive" during these periods is when I order the meto and SN I'm certain I'm going to use.

And just when I feel like I've descended into such a scrambled, fucked-up headspace that I couldn't possibly return to being the composed high-functioning person I was two weeks ago, the suicidal thoughts start to lose their edge, start letting up a bit, until finally I'm back to just feeling very, very depressed instead of suicidally depressed. I climb out of bed in sort of daze. It's like someone chloroformed me, kidnapped me and tortured me in their basement for two weeks, and then just let me go without an explanation. That's how these episodes feel.

I manage to return to my former state of okay-ness after quite a bit of tidying-up (there are usually dirty dishes abandoned in weird places around my apartment) and apologizing to people I fell out of touch with. You know the drill, right? Texting them to say how you've been so busy lately and acting like nothing out of the ordinary just happened to your mental health.

Life just... goes on until I inevitably get suicidal again. How do I break this cycle?

 

[EssenceFocus]

I have never had such thoughts out of pure nowhere. I learned to pay attention, when those thoughts come up. There is always a trigger, which can be a thought or a situation. Sometimes it is such a small tought about a practical problem, that I don't really recognize it. When I am fast enough I can stop the continuitation of this thought or feeling and I remain in the state, I was before. But when I don't pay attention and I follow this feeling, then it gets worse and worse and it can take hours or days to change my perception

So, for me it's relaxing, that I don't get the suicidal feeling because of pure randomness, there is always a reason.

Maybe try to pay attention, what you are thinking of or doing in the moment your suicidal thoughts appear again. This 'can' break this cycle 'temporarily'

 

[SanJunipero1]

Sometimes I'm doing okay – eating healthy, socializing on a regular basis, getting all my coursework done on time, feeling not-necessarily-good in the strict sense of the word but certainly not in the pits of suicidal depression either. I sometimes even feel proud of myself for having pieced my life back together after all the suicidal episodes I've withstood over the years. And I'll think to myself, This is it. I've made it. I've learned to live with depression well enough that I can lead a normal high-functioning existence like everybody else. All that suicide stuff is behind me.

But of course, it's only a matter of time until the suicidal thoughts come back with a vengeance and undo all the progress I made when they're not around. I don't even fucking know what sets them off – one moment they're just there in my head again, encouraging me to gather all the supplies I need for another attempt while I just fucking rot in bed for a week or two, sleeping too much and eating not nearly enough. The only time I do anything "productive" during these periods is when I order the meto and SN I'm certain I'm going to use.

And just when I feel like I've descended into such a scrambled, fucked-up headspace that I couldn't possibly return to being the composed high-functioning person I was two weeks ago, the suicidal thoughts start to lose their edge, start letting up a bit, until finally I'm back to just feeling very, very depressed instead of suicidally depressed. I climb out of bed in sort of daze. It's like someone chloroformed me, kidnapped me and tortured me in their basement for two weeks, and then just let me go without an explanation. That's how these episodes feel.

I manage to return to my former state of okay-ness after quite a bit of tidying-up (there are usually dirty dishes abandoned in weird places around my apartment) and apologizing to people I fell out of touch with. You know the drill, right? Texting them to say how you've been so busy lately and acting like nothing out of the ordinary just happened to your mental health.

Life just... goes on until I inevitably get suicidal again. How do I break this cycle?

Hard relate to all of this. I'm really sorry, it's the worse.
For me it happens every couple of months. I think I'm coming to terms with the fact that that's about as long as I can pretend that living without my fiancé is a life worth living.
That and I find myself slipping any time I feel like my voice is silenced and I'm not allowed to talk about my suicidality (I'm very open about it).
I know none of that is helpful to you or your situation but I just wanted to say I feel you and your frustration.

 

[Madame Psychosis]

@EssenceFocus Yeah, I think you're right about suicidal thoughts not coming from nowhere. Like you said, it probably just seems that way because the trigger is so insignificant that it doesn't register with me as something that could lead to such a huge snowball effect.

The episodes do tend to happen when I'm under stress from school, personal relationships, or both – maybe that leaves me vulnerable to spiraling out of control? It's just difficult to see how "I have a lot of assignments due next week" or "That person doesn't have feelings for me, bummer" can lead to a thought as extreme as "I want to commit suicide immediately," but I guess my mind has pretty wacky reactions to things.

I'll be more mindful of the smaller triggers going forward! Thanks for the advice <3

 

[Good4Nothing]

Sounds like manic depression, or bipolar as they call it these days.
If that's the case, there's nothing you can really do about it. It's a rollercoaster ride.

 

[Lordsudbury]

I'm the same way but my trigger is whenever I think about her and how our relationship ended (POORLY). I've been in a bad state for 6 months, I've done therapy, hospital, travelled, work out....I don't know how to break it. Whenever I feel even a moment of weakness it spirals into a complete out of control phase where I'm desperate to go and it's the only salvation from the unending depression.

 

[muffin222]

I'm in the same predicament. In my case, however, I suffer from complex PTSD with emotional flashbacks. The emotional flashbacks can strike at any moment, triggered by even the most benign situation. All it takes is one trigger to launch me into a full blown emotional flashback with suicidal despair, rage, and a deep sense of hopelessness. The emotional flashback can last anywhere from a few hours to a few days. I used to think I was bipolar until I found out I had C-PTSD. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this

 

[Emily_Numb]

This is honestly as though someone's reached into my head and plucked words out about how I feel.

This is exactly how I feel. I find it impossible to find triggers either and my sense like your is that they must be something so tiny and insignificant that it doesn't register. I'm literally going through this tonight.

I wish I had advice, you're not alone. If I figure out a way to fix this I will absolutely let you know.

 

[MichaelNomad123]

My grandfather told me that it stays with you always. I tend to agree. I don't see it as a bad thing anymore but rather a badge of honour, like scars. I think of it like a stain. I walked through the abyss and came out the other end. The abyss follows me now, rather than me following it. Sometimes it catches up and we get reacquainted, but mostly I'm ahead of it. It sounds like you might be the same.