Venting Why couldn't anyone just care?

[PlutonianRooster]

My ex left me when I got worse. They only loved the happy, funny, confident version of myself, that swept them off their feet and always had somewhere to take them. When I stopped being able to go outside as much or be as enthusiastic, and I couldn't simply be fixed by being endlessly distracted, they started pulling away. Eventually enough was enough and they left. I made them feel too tired, too hurt, too guilty. I will never forget the coldness in the last look they gave me. I will never forget the frustration in the voice that used to tell me how much they loved me, and that promised me I could open up and be vulnerable.
I never wanted them to fix me. I asked them to bear with me - to stick by my side through the rough parts, to help me and let me be a little selfish when I needed it, so I could be the person they saw in me. Just until I could work my way out of at least one of my traps - mental, financial, physical - and get the help they wanted me to get.
I loved them - even when they said they didn't even think about my problems (right after I confessed that I think of them first when I struggle to keep going), even when they called me difficult to love, even when they left when I needed them the most. I still love them. They were the only person I ever truly trusted. I can still only see a future if they're there. My only hope at a mere chance of wanting to live is that they'll come back, since the breakup is relatively fresh at about 3.5 months old. I'm spending my days waiting, and in the meantime, trying to learn how to not bleed my struggles out on anyone.
None of it is enough. Nothing is ever enough.
I thought we were only going through a rough patch, because they swore they wanted to put in the effort to make a future with me, and they promised to clearly talk with me first if the relationship was at risk. They never did; they just left.
They promised they cared, even as they left. Complete silence since we gave each other our belongings back. They wouldn't know if I died tonight.

My parents love their child. They don't love or even know me as a person; they love the role I fill, and the acceptable selection of my personality traits that I've cultivated in their presence. They would be devastated if I died - but only because of a status that was automatically hoisted on me. If I were anyone else, they would be equally devastated - more so, if I were a better child - by my passing.
They are incapable of 'helping' me without pushing a god I don't believe in onto me. They can't think past the religion and culture etched into every fold of their brains over decades.

It's been eight months since anybody other than my parents, my ex, or my housemates asking for rent has texted me first.
All my friends would do if I confessed my despair is give me generic responses, wax philosophical at me, or get me institutionalized. At the end of the day, none of them are thinking of me. They, too, know nothing of me besides what I've shown them to be a fun-enough person to be around.

I could go on if I had someone, anyone who loved me, saw me for who I am, and stayed by my side. I could soldier through the pain of my issues for that. It would be a weary road, and I wouldn't ever be truly content until I were free, but I could find a few good things in between the pain, and maybe even be glad that I chose to struggle.
I was so close to doing that with my ex. They left one week before I could drive back to college and be able to go through their mental health services. Just one week. Just seven days. Almost comical, for it to be ripped away while that close.
Now there's nobody.

I can't do it alone.

(Apologies for only posting essentially the same thing. I don't have any other way to cope anymore.)

 

[Lambybahhhhhh]

Im sorry you're dealing with such feelings. I understand how it feels to endure a betrayal like that. You never truly know someone until things aren't all smooth sailing. I hope you find the peace and love you need. No one deserves to feel this way.

 

[PlutonianRooster]

Im sorry you're dealing with such feelings. I understand how it feels to endure a betrayal like that. You never truly know someone until things aren't all smooth sailing. I hope you find the peace and love you need. No one deserves to feel this way.

'Betrayal' is the word I'm looking for, yeah. Even when I try to look at the situation from a more balanced perspective than my emotional pain - they cost me far more than I cost them, and broke so many more promises.
I'm sorry that you've been through circumstances that enable you to understand. I believe love is simultaneously one of the truest things existence has to offer, and one of the cruelest.
I hope you find peace and - if you desire it - more merciful love, too.

 

[cryone]

hey,
depression is a bitch. no lie. it deprives us of our ability to actually be ourselves & permanently ruins so many fucking relationships. cant even count how many friends ive lost b/c i was at a low for years.

im sorry for what you went through, ive been in similar situations, but being a) someone who has had been in close relationships w/ other suicidal ppl and b) someone who's gotten out of their shitty cycle a few times…i am quite sure ur ex did care (ofc i dont have the full story so no guarantees).

you mention how you've caused them to feel "too tired, too hurt, too guilty." and thats probably true. being with a mentally unstable person is draining, intentionally or not. You know what your ex felt. They felt worn out—and that's probably why they didn't bother talking it out and left you without much to say.

its kinda fucked, but humans r naturally selfish. Even if they care abt u, it's very rare for them to care to such an extent that they'd wait months & months for you to heal urself. i think its unfair and also somewhat self-degrading to convince urself that u werent loved. im sure you were, but everyone has their limits. and the current you wasnt the person she fell in love with. my 2 cents. in the end, i hope all the best for you. and if you can, try to use those mental health opportunities at your college.

 

[PlutonianRooster]

hey,
depression is a bitch. no lie. it deprives us of our ability to actually be ourselves & permanently ruins so many fucking relationships. cant even count how many friends ive lost b/c i was at a low for years.

im sorry for what you went through, ive been in similar situations, but being a) someone who has had been in close relationships w/ other suicidal ppl and b) someone who's gotten out of their shitty cycle a few times…i am quite sure ur ex did care (ofc i dont have the full story so no guarantees).

you mention how you've caused them to feel "too tired, too hurt, too guilty." and thats probably true. being with a mentally unstable person is draining, intentionally or not. You know what your ex felt. They felt worn out—and that's probably why they didn't bother talking it out and left you without much to say.

its kinda fucked, but humans r naturally selfish. Even if they care abt u, it's very rare for them to care to such an extent that they'd wait months & months for you to heal urself. i think its unfair and also somewhat self-degrading to convince urself that u werent loved. im sure you were, but everyone has their limits. and the current you wasnt the person she fell in love with. my 2 cents. in the end, i hope all the best for you. and if you can, try to use those mental health opportunities at your college.

I understand their side of the breakup, and can agree with what you're generally saying. I had my wrongs. I regret them, and I'm working on them the best I can. (But it doesn't make it hurt any less, and I needed somewhere to give that pure pain a voice, however illogical.)

At the same time, they were also unfair to me, though I can't really explain due to my reluctance to actually get into the details of my issues or relationship. The most I want to say is that my depression mostly spiraled because of grief over circumstances. It's not a very 'nebulous' condition in my case (not to say that depression that isn't from circumstances is any lesser; it certainly isn't), if that makes sense.
I get that they felt worn out, and that hard conversations are, well, hard, but it's still difficult to justify their choices (and lack thereof).
It also sucks that I told them that the summer would be painful for me, as I'd be away and with nobody but my family for months, but would get better after - and they left before I could come back and prove that. I don't know about fairness, it just sucks.

And, in the end, even if I unequivocally deserved everything I got, I don't really want to try anything anymore if I can lose it so easily. Nor do I want to live the rest of my life with the knowledge of the future I lost. They also said and did some things (related to the circumstances, not the breakup) that haunt me, and I can't get any relief/closure over that now. Not to mention that everything that I was originally dealing with is still there ... now with lost, crucial time and emotional wounds.
It's also feeding into my desire to get away from humanity as a whole. People are complex, but it seems like the only side I ever get to see is the selfishness.

(I don't intend to sound combative to your perspective. I'm just bad at expression, especially online.)

As for the mental health services, I haven't been able to. I get worked up into strong panics over actually faking all of my issues when I try to take any big steps (I think I have OCD, because I've had similar cycles of fear, rumination, and checking over other things in the past). The physical exhaustion and shitty sleep from being stressed all the time doesn't help, either.
I wanted my ex to sit down with me so I could go through with making an appointment without chickening out, but that's not happening now.
I'm pretty much useless on my own. All of my daily energy is going towards just staying afloat, one hour at a time.

I'm sorry about your similar losses. I wish the best for you, too. No need to reply, I know I ramble a lot.