Venting why can't i just fucking do it already

[Sanva]

things have been steadily going downhill for 8 years now and I still keep stupidly waiting for things to get better. I'm at an all time low, I don't have energy for anything anymore. Terrible, constant anxiety and a physical illness that will prevent me from ever living a normal life. I don't speak to anyone anymore, it's too exhausting and people inevitably leave me.

I feel like i'm going insane on some days and I wish I could because being decently self-aware about how I'm fucking everything up for myself makes it even more unbearable. I'm so fucking paranoid, I feel like everyone is staring at me when I go outside, like they know how rotten I am inside.

But I still keep fucking going on. I feel like i'm overstaying my welcome, like i was supposed to die years ago but i just keep going on day after day after day and everyone just wishes I was fucking dead already. I literally do nothing, absolutely fucking nothing, I'm not useful for anything and everyone fucking hates me. I have my SN, I just feel so guilty for what my parents will go through but god this is miserable and it's just getting worse. And all I'm fucking doing is feeling sorry for myself and posting here like it's going to make anything better. I just want to be normal

 

[Weebster]

Because your selfish genes care only about themselves. They don't care about your suffering, and they are more powerful than your willpower

 

[sharky]

I can relate. But I don't think anyone wishes you were dead. Letting go of life is hard, obviously you're not ready yet. Are there any things in life that bring you joy? Keep doing things that you enjoy, and maybe spend some quality time with your parents.

 

[whatevs]

'everyone just wishes I was fucking dead already'.

Hey Sanva! Sorry to see you here and so distressed.

You're the only one that wants you dead, but not completely. I get it, your parents, and friends if you have any, would honestly feel some relief buried within the pain of the loss, but overall it's quite rare for people to want their relatives or friends dead.

But on chronic illness and being a burden to yourself and others, I understand, I'm on the same boat. Suicide certainly is justified in many of these cases. I hope you can turn it around and it doesn't get to that point, but is an option we have.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are suffering so much, this life is just so unfair. I know that it is awful to live such a miserable existence. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do and I hope you find relief from your pain.

 

[Arvinneedstodie]

This is crazy. I made almost the exact same post as you a few days ago. Same exact situation and it's been 8 years for me as well. I described the last 8 years as a long lonely sleep filled with confusion and misery. I got so good at living day to day that days feel like hours and hours feel like minutes. Yet, at the same time I feel like I've lived forever in this prison. I wasted all my time doing nothing but cope and browse the internet because I never thought I would live this long.

A long drawn out awkward tragedy, but hopefully it'll all make sense the moment I finally ctb. Thank you for posting and making me feel slightly less alone.

 

[its-about-time]

Ugh. Hits home. I feel the same about my life. I'm sending you my love.

 

[Huntfish34]

A lot of what you stated hits home with me as well. Life on life's terms,. Uugghh. I Fckn hate it.

I wish you the best,. Thoughts and prayers -

 

[jimmy7754]

It's so hard to ctb.. I want to go but I'm scared to do it.. it's not easy to end your life.. no matter which method and there lies the problem.. methods.. I'm sure if there was a light switch for death most people would've flipped it already.. but it isn't that simple.. our bodies are stupidly complex and I hate being some sort of super chimpanzee pretending to be something every minute and second of the day.. I need this to end now..

 

[Talvikki]

I hate myself with my stupid SI.

 

[lifehurtsalot]

It's the same reason so many people stay in abusive relationships. They're craving the love and passion they felt at the beginning (it would've been good, otherwise how could they have fallen in love) even though they keep getting disappointed and worse off again and again.

If there are so many resources that support those who leave abusive spouses and families, it's unfair that there aren't any for those whose relationship with life has gone sour as well.

 

[Gloom]

feel the same. To interact with other people i feel like i have to give up so much of myself to seem approachable. I barely look at the eyes of the people I care about.

Some people are just plain mistakes. With Evolution being obsolete and far more people living than ever, there are bound to be people like us on this website. You cannot make yourself normal, no one can ever really change but just fake what they want to be. and that's exhausting. Just know that what you are feeling is not wrong, it's just there.