Venting Why can't I find the courage to jump ?

[illAF]

So here I am, knowing that I could grab a cab from the psych ward I am currently in (I really could, it's an open unit) and go to that bridge. 142 meters high, known for suicides, sounds like the perfect spot. But the fact is : I never grab that cab. Cause I'm really afraid of not being able to jump. And if I can't, well, things could get way worse when I go back to the ward (and for many reasons I don't have the energy to explain know, I would have nowhere else to go back to).

I'm also considering partial or tourniquet but very unconfident about these methods.

I feel soooo so weak for not being able to jump ! I am actually very angry toward myself. Everyday I'm just like, I'll do it tomorrow. But I don't. And I can't take it anymore. I really envy those who have the courage to ctb and they make me feel like shit for not being able to do so.

 

[Baron]

I feel so weak as well. I'm even too lazy to search for a jumping spot. Even though I feel like jumping would be the easy part and finding the spot is the hard part, it seems that I am the only one facing this issue. How pathetic

 

[illAF]

I feel so weak as well. I'm even too lazy to search for a jumping spot. Even though I feel like jumping would be the easy part and finding the spot is the hard part, it seems that I am the only one facing this issue. How pathetic

I totally feel you. I'm also too weak to go further with my researches or anything. I'm too weak for everything to be honest.

 

[figure8]

I feel soooo so weak for not being able to jump ! I am actually very angry toward myself. Everyday I'm just like, I'll do it tomorrow. But I don't. And I can't take it anymore. I really envy those who have the courage to ctb and they make me feel like shit for not being able to do so.

There's no reason to feel bad about not being able to take the last step. It's more common than you think, and it's out of your control. As animals, we innately fear death and physical pain that comes with it.
Since it's an open unit, would it be possible for you to go there and return to the ward? Maybe it would help you with getting accustomed to the idea and making it tangible.

 

[FuneralCry]

Jumping sounds like such a terrifying method to me so I understand why you would have fears. I wish that it was much easier to permanently escape from all the suffering, I also envy those who free themselves.

 

[Lulzacruel]

if you want any closure many people who jump from high bridges never make it alive since hitting water from that high feels like concrete

its your SI speaking to you, i have no position to tell you what you should do with your live and body but im just pointing it out as it is

maybe try calming exercises like deep breathes and meditation before you do it if you are really committed

 

[carac]

I've been thinking about this quite a bit and maybe it's because you just don't have the courage. I've always thought I was a pretty tough guy, not really scared of much, able to withstand quite a bit of pain. When I tried to ctb I chose the partial hanging method over full suspension, why? because honestly I was scared of what a full suspension would feel like and just wanted the easy option. That's probably why I am still here today. Being stuck here has forced me to face my fears and after a lot of exploration, issues around anxiety seem to be one of the biggest driving factors around why I wanted to ctb.
I think this could be true for a lot of us, we are scared of living but we are scared of dying too but we don't beleive we are scared because we have been through so much shit and feel strong but it's like an unconscious feeling of being afraid.

 

[Professor K]

don't be so harsh on yourself. think about it, even in a context where you have to jump and not die -like a bungee jump or skydive- not many people would have the balls to do it with no fear on their very first time. after the first jump, all easy. so it is completely natural for you to feel this way. on top of that you also have the fear of death so of course. see this as an opportunity to be able to do and experience whatever insignificant nonsense another day.
whatever will be, will be.

 

[Namensjemand]

I also fantasized about jumping. I always liked the thought of stepping into nothingness. But the physical impact sought is really extreme. So very repelling. And non-existence is not even good, but entirely neutral.

I think it is not helpful or sensible to get angry with you for that or shout at you or hate you.

Strength is to be found in serenity ;)

 

[ihatemylife]

I've been thinking about this quite a bit and maybe it's because you just don't have the courage. I've always thought I was a pretty tough guy, not really scared of much, able to withstand quite a bit of pain. When I tried to ctb I chose the partial hanging method over full suspension, why? because honestly I was scared of what a full suspension would feel like and just wanted the easy option. That's probably why I am still here today. Being stuck here has forced me to face my fears and after a lot of exploration, issues around anxiety seem to be one of the biggest driving factors around why I wanted to ctb.
I think this could be true for a lot of us, we are scared of living but we are scared of dying too but we don't beleive we are scared because we have been through so much shit and feel strong but it's like an unconscious feeling of being afraid.

What happened when you tried partial,? That's what i'm planning but not sure of what to expect

 

[OnceThougtTwiceDone]

Don't feel bad, I didn't feel this way when I was going to, but most people do and being normal is not something to be ashamed. (For those wondering I was with my mom and she found out and had me always near her, so that's why I didn't.")

 

[carac]

What happened when you tried partial,? That's what i'm planning but not sure of what to expect

When I practiced I felt dizzy and felt like I was going to pass out. When I tried for real I would start to get dizzy but just wouldn't black out, tried 4 times and each time would give it a few minutes after started to feel dizzy but I couldn't pass out. Didn't want to spend longer as I didn't want to mark my neck so people could see I'd tried