Why can’t I be happy?

[drownitoutwithmusic]

I'm assuming maybe someone will see this but I'm not expecting a reply or comfort I guess I don't know.

I just feel exhausted. I've tried so hard to better my life & mental health. I also like do this thing where if I'm very upset my immediate thought is "how do I hurt myself".

I kinda feel like my mind is a hell & when I'm upset I'm fighting it so bad.

I've attempted before & ended in the hospital & needed an antidote & a lot of people around me didn't know how to handle it so I did lose some people.

I just feel like there's a lot of layers to who I am & I feel like sometimes I just get labeled as "unhappy" or "depressed" & honestly after everything I've experienced that's probably true now.

I'm just at this point where I'm feeling exhausted from living with this brain I have. I hate that I'm having to take medication to be halfway normal. I'm just feeling like I'm not meant for this earth & my feelings are too intense for anyone (especially me) to handle.

I just don't have hope for my brain and if I could choose that tonight when I sleep I wouldn't wake up I'm at that point where I'd choose it.

 

[Al_stargate]

Damn, sorry you feeling that way. Known you for a bit on this site but I guess we don't fully know what others are going through. You think psych medication are possibly making you feel worse? Like zoned out and unable to feel even bit normal sometime. Is it just mental health issues or other stuff? Wish you could see the light but I know you been here for a while and nobody really chooses to be here.

 

[drownitoutwithmusic]

Damn, sorry you feeling that way. Known you for a bit on this site but I guess we don't fully know what others are going through. You think psych medication are possibly making you feel worse? Like zoned out and unable to feel even bit normal sometime. Is it just mental health issues or other stuff? Wish you could see the light but I know you been here for a while and nobody really chooses to be here.

Yes I was a lurker for a while & then made an account & honestly it's nice because it makes me feel less crazy just because other people are going through similar thoughts & in the real world people just seem normal & it's upsetting because I feel alone & weird I guess.

Without meds I feel like completely unhinged & intense anxiety but what's weird is even if I'm on meds my mind still goes straight to self destruction & suicidal thoughts if I'm overwhelmed. I know statistically speaking this isn't a surprise I'm like this & it's hard because I know how my mind can do a 180 & I can't think clearly when upset.

 

[Frxtagooox]

I'm assuming maybe someone will see this but I'm not expecting a reply or comfort I guess I don't know.

I just feel exhausted. I've tried so hard to better my life & mental health. I also like do this thing where if I'm very upset my immediate thought is "how do I hurt myself".

I kinda feel like my mind is a hell & when I'm upset I'm fighting it so bad.

I've attempted before & ended in the hospital & needed an antidote & a lot of people around me didn't know how to handle it so I did lose some people.

I just feel like there's a lot of layers to who I am & I feel like sometimes I just get labeled as "unhappy" or "depressed" & honestly after everything I've experienced that's probably true now.

I'm just at this point where I'm feeling exhausted from living with this brain I have. I hate that I'm having to take medication to be halfway normal. I'm just feeling like I'm not meant for this earth & my feelings are too intense for anyone (especially me) to handle.

I just don't have hope for my brain and if I could choose that tonight when I sleep I wouldn't wake up I'm at that point where I'd choose it.

Hey, I'm really glad you shared this. I can hear how exhausted you are, like you've been fighting your own mind for so long and it just won't let up. That's not weakness, that's someone who's been trying really hard to survive.

You're not just "depressed" or "unhappy." You're a whole person with layers and a lot of pain behind them. Needing meds doesn't mean you're broken, it just means your brain needs support. And I'm really sorry you lost people after your attempt. That shouldn't have happened to you.

I know you're at the point where not waking up feels easier. I care that you're here right now, even if you don't have hope. You don't have to carry tonight alone.

 

[drownitoutwithmusic]

Hey, I'm really glad you shared this. I can hear how exhausted you are, like you've been fighting your own mind for so long and it just won't let up. That's not weakness, that's someone who's been trying really hard to survive.

You're not just "depressed" or "unhappy." You're a whole person with layers and a lot of pain behind them. Needing meds doesn't mean you're broken, it just means your brain needs support. And I'm really sorry you lost people after your attempt. That shouldn't have happened to you.

I know you're at the point where not waking up feels easier. I care that you're here right now, even if you don't have hope. You don't have to carry tonight alone.

Thank you for the message. I feel bad sometimes because I get on here when I'm upset and maybe all I have to offer is depressive thoughts on here but on here I just feel like less alone in those thoughts specifically.

Last night I was struggling with thoughts of hurting myself & my brain does that when overwhelmed. It makes me sad because like how did I get to this point of not thinking rationally? I mean, is it not rational? I don't know. Maybe it is because I am exhausted.

 

[TheMadmanJL]

Because society sucks! Other people make it so much harder than what it should really be. Not all people but most people suck in general. They only care about themselves. Once upon a time I cared about myself only, when my daughter died and my girlfriend at the time broke up with me I lost all hope in having a good life. Fuck the white picket fence shit, I never done anything wrong in my existence that would warrant such agony. I'm gonna jump in front of a damn bus whenever I catch mine. Intimacy isn't a problem for me, me getting punished for nothing is my problem. Fuck the world?