Why are you still here?

[LastDay]

Also how long have you been suicidal and has it gotten any better through the years?

For me it's been about a decade and it gets worse lmao.

I guess number one reason I'm still here is that I'm bad at getting started, understanding, and obtaining the methods. Like I'll read through and be like "duuur is there like, a how to video on this?" So I'll lay down and wither in pain instead of figuring how to get shit done. I wish someone nearby would message me saying they have guns or the materials for CO asap. Would be lit af.

Also I guess because of the people I love and the small speck of hope my excellent therapist gives me.

Oh and SI of course is a bitch.

 

[Redt2go]

Also how long have you been suicidal and has it gotten any better through the years?

For me it's been about a decade and it gets worse lmao.

I guess number one reason I'm still here is that I'm bad at getting started, understanding, and obtaining the methods. Like I'll read through and be like "duuur is there like, a how to video on this?" So I'll lay down and wither in pain instead of figuring how to get shit done. I wish someone nearby would message me saying they have guns or materials for CO to blow our brains out tomorrow. Would be lit af.

Also I guess because of the people I love and the small speck of hope my excellent therapist gives me.

Oh and SI of course is a bitch.

Fuck these amazing therapists amiright making us feel better. Confusing plans

 

[LastDay]

Fuck these amazing therapists amiright making us feel better. Confusing plans

Sarcasm? lol

I formed an attachment to her (it's a mommy issue thing) so that's why I keep going even though I wanna die lmaooooo.

 

[Redt2go]

Sarcasm? lol

I formed an attachment to her (it's a mommy issue thing) so that's why I keep going even though I wanna die lmaooooo.

Yes sarcasm lol and this is good ? Who knows

 

[LastDay]

Yes sarcasm lol and this is good ? Who knows

Not good for the Suicide plans but good for her pro life agenda I guess. Part of it is also keeping up appearances and loneliness.

 

[TAW122]

I'm still here because I have not reached the one special state where I will be able to ctb on a whim. Partly due to the survival instinct and needing that one "push" to get me over that obstacle. I just know that I won't be living until I'm bedridden or infirm, and when or where I will ctb all depends on the circumstance of then. As for why I'm on this site, well it's like a sacred community of like-minded people who will not spew anti-suicide, pro-life rhetoric, are not judgmental (the vast majority here), and are willing to not only give advice on how to ctb but also offer real support and empathy for my plight as well as others' plights.

 

[mattwitt]

I'm still waiting for my money to run out and unable to pay my monthly debts and cost of living bills. It should have happened by the end of October but since then I have come across $3205.00 and maybe another $800.00 by the end of this month. I was happy I was able to go on through the holidays but now I wish I would ctb already or that a miracle would happen to make me go on. I can't take being in this state of limbo about it much longer it's torture !!!

 

[Taylored]

I'm still here because I'm too demoralized at the moment to even scratch myself.

 

[Dor]

It's been culminating in the recent months, we'll see what happens

But suicidal thoughts, once you seriously have thought that shit it never lets you go from then on, it might vary in frequency, but that's about it.

 

[JustAboutDone]

I'm still waiting for my money to run out and unable to pay my monthly debts and cost of living bills. It should have happened by the end of October but since then I have come across $3205.00 and maybe another $800.00 by the end of this month. I was happy I was able to go on through the holidays but now I wish I would ctb already or that a miracle would happen to make me go on. I can't take being in this state of limbo about it much longer it's torture !!!

@mattwitt I'm sorry but I'm afraid I need you for my daily weather forecast X ;-)

 

[lost_soul83]

I'm still waiting for my money to run out and unable to pay my monthly debts and cost of living bills. It should have happened by the end of October but since then I have come across $3205.00 and maybe another $800.00 by the end of this month. I was happy I was able to go on through the holidays but now I wish I would ctb already or that a miracle would happen to make me go on. I can't take being in this state of limbo about it much longer it's torture !!!

You're welcome to give me the rest of your money. You could ctb and then I would have money so I could get what I need to ctb and everyone's happy! Lol! ;-) Just kidding around. I'm sorry you're suffering and I hope you get relief soon. Take care!

 

[Titania]

I feel you too. I've had my suicidal ideations for 12+ years and a lot has been on and off. Mostly still here because I'm afraid of leaving forever, fear of damnation for a long time, and I haven't found a suitable method that works.

 

[Trulysorry]

Waiting to finalize my affairs with the lawyer. Should be done soon though.

 

[MsM3talGamer]

I'm still in the process of getting my affairs in order and getting rid of my things. When that's all set I'll be travelling abroad, spending all my money on my last holiday and CTBing in a hotel room. I have the meds required to CTB today but prefer to have a nice time before I finally GTFO this planet.

 

[SelfishMom]

1. I promised my husband I would try to stay.

2. My daughter.

3. Holding out hope I can get on my miracle drug, Vraylar, again. The

 

[lost_soul83]

1. I promised my husband I would try to stay.

2. My daughter.

3. Holding out hope I can get on my miracle drug, Vraylar, again. The

Does Vraylar actually work for bipolar? I really need to get on a decent medication to help me or I will end up ctb.

 

[HelensNepenthe]

Supportive friends around me have postponed this idea that I shouldn't go through with my plans. I also have a couple of fur babies who I would feel so bad if I lost them. Earlier this year I attempted hanging but my pupper walked in. That instant moment is when I reflected why I'm still around but I know CTB is coming around again.

 

[JOT]

Felt seriously suicidal for around 3 months but have been struggling with depression for nearly 7 months.

Still here because I have obligations to fulfill, family events to attend and promises to keep. I also really want to leave people with a good memory of me so I intend to have a very busy last couple of months, going out to restaurants, parties, cinema etc with friends. Once all that's out of the way though, I'm ready to ctb.

 

[Kdawg2018]

IDK

 

[SelfishMom]

Does Vraylar actually work for bipolar? I really need to get on a decent medication to help me or I will end up ctb.

I deal more with bipolar depression which it is currently in the process of being approved for, and it works wonders. I forget about ctb and self harm. I'm happy, fun. A little spontaneous and it helps my libido. I've been on wellbutrin, Zoloft, seroquel, rexulti, and abilify and none of them did anything for me. With Vraylar withing 2 days, I can tell a difference.

 

[lost_soul83]

I deal more with bipolar depression which it is currently in the process of being approved for, and it works wonders. I forget about ctb and self harm. I'm happy, fun. A little spontaneous and it helps my libido. I've been on wellbutrin, Zoloft, seroquel, rexulti, and abilify and none of them did anything for me. With Vraylar withing 2 days, I can tell a difference.

Wow! I really should ask my doctor about that. I've seen ads for it on tv and I too have been on many, many different meds to try and deal with my bipolar and nothing has helped, not even having ECT. Maybe if that stuff helps, I'll be able to forget about ctb, if only for a bit.

 

[letmeseethedeath]

i'm still here because i'm so afraid to fail. so afraid to suffer without ending my life

 

[Redt2go]

Honestly I think its shame (narcissism). I don't want people knowing how unhappy I am. Though it's obvious to anyone who sees me. I want to disappear for a few years and for everyone to forget about me first then I can die. Also I still can't decide what my final playlist will be. Too many classics to choose from. I feel like when I finally decide it will be days long.

 

[lookin4areason]

I've been asking myself that for 28yrs now. that's how long I've been like this. and yet, still here (but have no desire to be). I think for me it's mostly fear. maybe not so much of death, but more of the how and even more in failure. knowing me i'd eff up, just cuz that's the loser I am. I've read so many things on how but there really isn't a whole lot of options for me that are doable. years ago I did try tying a robe tie around the doorknob and had that along a bag over the head, but only lasted seconds before I already chickened out (more so the bag that was getting uncomfortable), and kinda doubting that would've even worked anyway. :( that was the only time i'd tried it, but these thoughts and feelings have always always been there. even in good times, it's always there in the back of my mind and will always find its way back to me. no one has ever known the real me because very early on in years it just became easy to be someone I wasn't. keep up appearances. going through the motions of everyday life but not truly wanting to. screaming inside. I found expression through poems. I have so many that are all related to this. when i'm finally gone I will let those in my life see them so they can finally know who I really was. I've had a suicide note written so many times over the years that I kept changing the longer the years went by. I have a more recent one put away, along with a dvd I made for the funeral. I just feel like I can't put it off much longer anymore. it needs to be done sooner than later. I need courage and success, and i'm just not sure about the success part. I have zip ties on hand and was thinking of that because it's just something easily accessible and once it's tightened, I can't image that I would survive, but again still not real certain. my luck I might just pass out for a few minutes. That, along with a bag over the head. I don't know. hanging isn't much of an option. having something over the outside of my door would be obvious and noticeable, as I live with family. there's really nothing in my room I can use for that. I've read some posts here about using the bar in the closet.. maybe, but not sure i'd get the hang of hanging (no pun intended. lol). I kinda feel like i'm stuck here :(

 

[Dead_Inside]

I am here because I am as bad at killing myself as I am at being alive..... and since being alive seems to be the fucking default in my situation....
I need to get a gun. I can't imagine that is going to fail.... but then shit, I thought I was safe the last two time as well. Probably end this life a veggie- being abused by some POS in a nursing home.
....That should be totally worth it, thanks God ....

 

[Redt2go]

I am here because I am as bad at killing myself as I am at being alive..... and since being alive seems to be the fucking default in my situation....
I need to get a gun. I can't imagine that is going to fail.... but then shit, I thought I was safe the last two time as well. Probably end this life a veggie- being abused by some POS in a nursing home.
....That should be totally worth it, thanks God ....

I hope that doesn't happen :(

 

[Dead_Inside]

I hope that doesn't happen :(

Me too. But I am trying to get comfortable with the idea. I won't really be there so it's the same as suicide.
This life is made me get over myself a few time so - fine. If I can swallow a few hundred pills I can put a couple bullets in me and see what happens.... lol... probably just be right here bitching about how that didn't work either. FML

 

[wanttodie]

as i don,t to fail need to die when plan to end my life

 

[dysfunctional]

Guilt about harming family and friends, being a coward, survival instinct. And the fact that when it gets really bad I just get drunk and kill the pain ever so slightly to live another day.

 

[Throwaway563078]

Other people mostly. I have more than enough fuel to do it