Venting WHY AM I WIRED LIKE THIS!!!!!

[suicidestyle]

God i am SO fucked, i cant hold simple conversations, my parents have tried my whole life to make me into the happy little girl i used to be, but ive already told them multiple times im grown and thats the past. Although i do understand where theyre coming from, it upsets me alot. I hate physical touch, i hate talking to people, yet i feel so jealous of people who recieve and love physical touch and people who can seemingly carry conversations without struggle. EYE CONTACT UPSETS ME!!!

I've grown up lonely, even through most of my school years i just sat inside a cubicle alone, every friendship i've ever had It either didnt last, we grew apart or i sabotaged it in hopes that id be left alone. I don't know what is wrong with me.

Ive noticed that i am somewhat of a narc aswell, i don't know if that counts though, do narcs really know they're narcs? Whatever, im not trying to self diagnose, i just realised maybe people don't like me because of my traits...but what if they just don't like me because im awkward? GOOOOODDD I CANT TELL!
I tell myself i dont care about people, yet i cry about my fucked up life and people every night.

Im always so damn frustrated all the time, scars everywhere. FUCK!!!!

FUCK PEOPLE!!! FUCK SOCIETY!!! FUCK CULTURE!!! FUCK SOCIAL LIVES!!! FUCK TALKING!!! FUCK AFFECTION!!! FUCKKKKKKK EVVERRYYYYTHINGGGG!!!!!!!

 

[kyhoti]

You are heard. May you find peace on your journey.

 

[lamargue]

i relate. people are fucking shitheels.

 

[Neowise]

I'm pretty sure real narcissists can never realize they are narcissists. You might have narcissistic traits at most, but having a full blown personality disorder can't correlate with being aware of it. That's actually the reason why the disorder can't be treated, because therapy needs the patient to become aware of their problems.

 

[nir]

Have you ever been assessed for autism? I used to have a friend who was very similar to this. Getting diagnosed really helped her.

 

[suicidestyle]

Have you ever been assessed for autism? I used to have a friend who was very similar to this. Getting diagnosed really helped her.

i guess ill try getting a diagnosis, although i feel getting any sort of diagnosis would send me spiralling , thinking about the past and realising all of my faults were due to that condition