Venting Why am I like this

[Painless_end]

Why have I always been a completely unmotivated human being who just wanted to have a bit of fun in life and when that was achieved, wanted to die.

Seriously, what's the point of living if I can't manage to live a productive, achievement oriented life. Why should I survive ? Why not just let me die.

 

[Mofreeko]

I think if you have one more good day in you, then it can be worth it to hang on. Once you run out of good days and don't see any chance of one in the future, then you can let go with no regrets.

 

[Dizzylady80]

Maybe you can try to shift your idea of what achievements and productivity are? Those don't have to be work/money related. For example, I like to pick up trash in my free time and I find that very productive and when I set goals about it I get a sense of achievement. It could be things like that

 

[locked*n*loaded]

If you have the wherewithal still in you, you can try helping out some others in need of support. Volunteer somewhere. That can be rewarding and bring a sense of purpose and value into your life. Obviously, it won't necessarily fill other needs you may have, but can tide you over and bring value to your self worth.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Did you ever want to achieve a certain thing? Or do you feel obliged/guilty that you SHOULD be more like that?

I don't think there's anything wrong with seeking out fun in life. Still, if it all feels empty afterwards, maybe you do need to aim for something else as well.

I think you do need to have an interest in something for it to feel worthwhile. Can you look at your interests and develop one further or have you lost interest in most things?

 

[FuneralCry]

I just think that the unfortunate reality is that as well as this existence being full of endless problems and suffering, existing is also so potentially disappointing and unsatisfying, with many humans spending their existences wishing for what they cannot achieve and wanting things to be so different. The reality is that there is nothing fair about any of this, as everything in this world is determined by luck and chance with many people suffering more than others through no fault of their own.

But yes, I certainly see no point to carrying on enduring an existence that is not worth it, there is no value to endlessly struggling when you really wish to be gone. This is why it's tragic how there is a lack of a peaceful right to die and lack of acceptance towards suicide as some people simply don't want to suffer yet they struggle to find a way to leave themselves in this society focused on prolonging life.

 

[jessisme]

Why have I always been a completely unmotivated human being who just wanted to have a bit of fun in life and when that was achieved, wanted to die.

Seriously, what's the point of living if I can't manage to live a productive, achievement oriented life. Why should I survive ? Why not just let me die.

You are dying, just very slowly.

 

[wait.what]

What does a "productive, achievement oriented life" look like to you? If it's just the endless pursuit of other people's approval, then fuck that. There's really nothing more worthless than respectability in the eyes of people who barely know you and don't care about you.

 

[Painless_end]

I am too unhappy with my brain and the fundamental fact of my existence for multiple reasons.

Some people have called me lazy, the truth is I just want to die.

The desire to work hard and achieve something is not fully developed in me. My attitude has always been to do a bit of work, and then sit around doing nothing.

I have had times in my life when I worked really hard but those were moments growing up where I was assured of a certain amount of reward, that I was happy with, for a certain amount of work.

The real kicker came when I had to stand up for myself after my first job which I was completely underprepared for mentally and then I couldn't chart a meaningful course of my life because I lost interest in working or studying.

Now I live with my parents and I don't get a job no matter what they say to me. I hate it so much.

My attitude has never been to do a job properly while showing teamwork or loyalty to the employer. I am as dissociated as I can be if I ever have to work.

I am angry and frustrated at myself for not dying. I am angry at having to work.

 

[godhelpme313]

How come you are unmotivated yet simply want an achievement oriented life? Isn't that a paradox? Based on your phenomenology, it seems like you're "dead already". Do you see what I'm saying?

 

[Painless_end]

How come you are unmotivated yet simply want an achievement oriented life? Isn't that a paradox? Based on your phenomenology, it seems like you're "dead already". Do you see what I'm saying?

You're damn right it's a paradox.

I want to die but I cannot. I am dead inside. I can't stand life anymore.

 

[godhelpme313]

You're damn right it's a paradox.

I want to die but I cannot. I am dead inside. I can't stand life anymore.

Look I'm not here to sweet talk everybody. I'm researching 45 calibres. But it seems to me like if you unblock your motivation blocker than the life you want to live will become accessible to you. Have you tried doing that? Or is that the part where you go "no, fuck this, I'm giving up". You're stuck in no-man's-land.
Just read your previous posts. You have great insight into what you need to develop. Like you pinpointed all your areas of growth. What stops you from growing in those areas? I'm not asking for a fluffy intellectual answer. But what is really truly stopping you? It's obvious you have the key to your self path forward. There must be great pain stopping you???

 

[Painless_end]

Look I'm not here to sweet talk everybody. I'm researching 45 calibres. But it seems to me like if you unblock your motivation blocker than the life you want to live will become accessible to you. Have you tried doing that? Or is that the part where you go "no, fuck this, I'm giving up". You're stuck in no-man's-land.
Just read your previous posts. You have great insight into what you need to develop. Like you pinpointed all your areas of growth. What stops you from growing in those areas? I'm not asking for a fluffy intellectual answer. But what is really truly stopping you? It's obvious you have the key to your self path forward. There must be great pain stopping you???

I am unhappy to exist. I have lived the essence of all life in a short time span many years ago. I should have been dead by now. You are absolutely right I am in no man's land. Your understanding of my situation is very accurate.

But I can't say much more. Revealing anything more about my situation is a danger in itself.