Why Am I Here?

[COP2CON]

"COP2CON, your so nice and funny and dashingly handsome, why are you here?"
"COP2CON, you always try to steer people away from CTB but want to yourself and are quite possibly the coolest dude ever, why?"

So I have been asked this numerous times and I figured I'd talk it out. Disclaimer: I am not looking for sympathy, just like talking to you fine folks about stuff I can't talk to anyone else about.

I found this forum researching if I could CTB with my 10,000mg of trazadone which I found out is a terrible idea. I can use partial suspension on the bars of my cell and have played around with it over the years. It terrifies me for some reason. I have thought about CTB every day since I was 10 years old without explaination. My life sucks but whatever, no use complaining and bringing people down.

I'm a huge hypocrite. I want to CTB but want everyone else to give it another go. I just see value in you all and think the world would suck without y'all. I have talked to some truly amazing people here who are going through bad times, the worst of their life but I think they are the best people I have ever had the pleasure of conversing with. I see value in all of them and all of you, even if you might not. I read posts every night and wish I could respond to everyone to say they words I wish had been said to me during hard times.

Because of my former job, I have also seen the other side and while I won't bum people out, the other side of suicide sucks. For some people that matters others, I understand why it does not. I decided to try to post my limited and ignorant knowledge hoping maybe to help or just satisfy curiosity. Its the biggest and generally last decision of anyone's life and if your like me, I wouldn't even eat at a restaurant until I thoroughly researched it. My selfishness also hopes maybe I can deter someone and maybe they end up happy. It happened at my former job, I still check on my successes even from here. But at the same time I understand the decision because I have been there for decades.

I am so sorry for all of y'alls pain and troubles. I have yet to find anyone that I have talked to from here that I didn't see worth in their life. That's why I say some of the stuff I say to people. But I do understand the decision and respect it and just do want anyone mad at me for trying. As for myself, there is no out for me. I won't go into detail because it doesn't matter there will be no end and honestly, its expected. Even the CO's and other inmates ask me when I will do it and express the opinion that they would have done it sooner if they were me. The 3 people in my life know and not a single one asked me not to. Again, its expected. I try to be up beat with everyone because that's what you all deserve. I wish I could say something nice to everyone and I guess thast was the point of this thread. I can't respond to everyone but I want everyone to know as someone who has attempted CTB in the past, been hospitalized twice in mental hospitals, cut on myself, just generally had a not great time in life, I'm sorry your hurting. I'm sorry your at this place in your life , at this crossroad. I want things to get better and everyone to find happiness because I have seen it happen. You are special. You are cared about by some random inmate which sounds kinda creepy when I type it.... I hope everyone finds peace. Also,'some of you need to write books that I can illegally download because your stories are amazing and inspirational if you can believed it.

As for me, I have no idea how long I'll be here. Several factors come into play and I may not even have to CTB at all. I recently angered a gang member and also have a standing beef with someone who fried their brain with drugs and killed 2 family members so shanks may be incoming :-D.

Part of the reason I'm typingthis is because I'm awaiting morning because a guy in our dorm made some comments about if we find him dead in the morning. I understand his want to CTB as he has a 20 year sentence but for his charges, he will only serve like 10ish. Sounds like a lot but from someone who's never getting out, I could sleep 10 years away if I wanted to. Sometimes its all about perspective and I challenge everyone to review. Look at it from all angles and if you come to the same conclusion, fine. I will owe you a beer in the afterlife and as I told another member, nothing imported as I'm sure ghost COP2CON will be as broke in the afterlife as he is here.

Anyway, sorry for my rambling, things are weird tonight. Because I have ADHD, here are bunny emojis because bunnies are awesome.....

 

[Dante_]

Hey Cop, i really appreciate your contributions and informative threads thus far, a value to us all and something to think on and well, i understand wanting others to go on and live happy lives, having already seen my fair share of people leave this site entirely and meaning, they leave the world entirely, it hurts to think about what could've been if something in their lives were different.

 

[COP2CON]

Hey Cop, i really appreciate your contributions and informative threads thus far, a value to us all and something to think on and well, i understand wanting others to go on and live happy lives, having already seen my fair share of people leave this site entirely and meaning, they leave the world entirely, it hurts to think about what could've been if something in their lives were different.

Very true my friend.
Also, not the right place for this but YOLO.....is there somewhere to find the no-no words you can't say in message? If one didn't want to CTB before, spending 45 minutes to an hour trying to send a message could drive them to it. Apparently everythig I say, the site hates.......

 

[instormdrains]

A lot of suicidal people seem to feel the same way. not wanting others to die but wanting it themselves. The same way you see value in others they see it in you too. I think its becuase when we look at others we dont experience their pain. But we see the good they provide. However you know everything about you and all your suffering/mistakes. You are also valuable but the horrors of life cloud your vision. I hope one day you'll be in a better position .

 

[Captive_Mind515]

A lot of suicidal people seem to feel the same way. not wanting others to die but wanting it themselves. The same way you see value in others they see it in you too. I think its becuase when we look at others we dont experience their pain. But we see the good they provide. However you know everything about you and all your suffering/mistakes. You are also valuable but the horrors of life cloud your vision. I hope one day you'll be in a better position .

I see it as a selfish mindset personally. Thinking your problems are bad enough to warrant consideration of ctb, but viewing other people's predicament as being something they could/should endure.

 

[instormdrains]

I see it as a selfish mindset personally. Thinking your problems are bad enough to warrant consideration of ctb, but viewing other people's predicament as being something they could/should endure.

Would it be better to want others to kill themselves instead?? By the same logic you are also selfish for wanting to kill yourself. You can also view your life as something that should be endured and still want to ctb it doesn't have to be either or. He's been suicidal for a while but hasn't gone through with it your making it sound like he gave up instantly and never tried to endure it.

 

[COP2CON]

BTW I posted this because more and more I read people having the same issues and feelings I've had all my life. I thought I was weird and I am but its been I guess, interesting to see I wasn't alone in it. I am kind of testing the water so to say to see about posting more weirdness about me to see if its normal or common as well.

I have trouble articulating what I'm trying to say or what my goal is. This post was a roundabout way of me putting an issue out there and finding out if its a unique thing or common.

 

[Captive_Mind515]

Would it be better to want others to kill themselves instead?? By the same logic you are also selfish for wanting to kill yourself. You can also view your life as something that should be endured and still want to ctb it doesn't have to be either or. He's been suicidal for a while but hasn't gone through with it your making it sound like he gave up instantly and never tried to endure it.

It's not about wanting people to kill themselves. It's about respecting people's thresholds and not making assumptions about whether their problems could/should be endured. Or being arrogant and thinking there's only a narrow set of circumstances that justify considering ctb. I see it as a selfish and blinkered mindset.

 

[COP2CON]

It's not about wanting people to kill themselves. It's about respecting people's thresholds and not making assumptions about whether their problems could/should be endured. Or being arrogant and thinking there's only a narrow set of circumstances that justify considering ctb. I see it as a selfish and blinkered mindset.

Not to detract from the discussion but I had to look up "blinkered" and it will now be part of my regular vocabulary. You are a scholar and a saint my good soul.

 

[instormdrains]

Not to detract from the discussion but I had to look up "blinkered" and it will now be part of my regular vocabulary. You are a scholar and a saint my good soul.

Also had to google it lmao

It's not about wanting people to kill themselves. It's about respecting people's thresholds and not making assumptions about whether their problems could/should be endured. Or being arrogant and thinking there's only a narrow set of circumstances that justify considering ctb. I see it as a selfish and blinkered mindset.

Where does he say suicide should only be considered under certain circumstances nowhere does he glorify his own desires. Suicide is a big decision why should you make it completely alone. When youre about to get a new credit card or sign off on an important contract you should get other opinions. He's suggesting not to do it. its up to you if you do or dont hes being respectful. Bro isn't throwing you in a psych ward and locking you up against your will. Your calling him arrogant and selfish just because he opened up about how he feels

 

[Captive_Mind515]

Also had to google it lmao

Where does he say suicide should only be considered under certain circumstances nowhere does he glorify his own desires. Suicide is a big decision why should you make it completely alone. When youre about to get a new credit card or sign off on an important contract you should get other opinions. He's suggesting not to do it. its up to you if you do or dont hes being respectful. Bro isn't throwing you in a psych ward and locking you up against your will. Your calling him arrogant and selfish just because he opened up about how he feels

That's the vibe I get from his remarks. He thinks his situation is dire enough to warrant suicide, but selfishly doesn't want others choosing that option.

He called himself selfish, I'm just agreeing with him.

 

[instormdrains]

That's the vibe I get from his remarks. He thinks his situation is dire enough to warrant suicide, but selfishly doesn't want others choosing that option.

He called himself selfish, I'm just agreeing with him.

Oh I didnt read that my bad. I can see where youre coming from now.