_Minsk
death: the cure for life
- Dec 9, 2019
- 1,095
(sorry if it sounds like some generic teen crap, but i really want to get some clarity on this and some thoughts if i you wouldnt mind, i just dont know how to see my childhood anymore, feeling like my mind got twisted tbh:/ have i done anything wrong or just too sensitive?)
hi guys
a while ago i had to quit my job due to the corona epidemic and i wont get hired again for sure, i wouldnt be able to continue anyways. i was nearly over the edge and about to ctb.
but even without work i cant relax, even though im still 'living' at one of my parents with an age of 22.. they absolutely have no empathy with me or my situation at all, i have been talking to my dad (somewhat forced since he never showed any compassion beginning at my childhood) about me being suicidal, completely burned out and other stuffs, but even after all these tries to get him to realize that im fucked up he still doesnt care at all. the only reason on why i went into the previous jobs was because he forced me indiretly to get into them, 3 of them i had to quit after a short while due to the mentioned stuffs above. on top im dealing with insomnia, social anxiety, fibromyalgia, ocd, panic attacks,dp+dr, and a few minor issues (depression not to mention).. yet, still he bothers me on why im not getting a driving license or just find a job.. but what the hell,..
i just dont get it, im pissed of, my step siblings already started to make fun of me and bully me. its true hell, this started a few years ago, i'm pretty sure it began that time my step brother was completely ignoring me, making party till 1am, during the week, while i had to get some sleep to get to school.. so i went out 2x, telling him to turn down volume and take care. another time music went up, people in the floor (there are only 2 doors separating our rooms, one floor between.
i went to my dad 2x asking him to clear that issue up with the party. nothing happend, im not even sure if he actually went over to him.
so at that point i just went into rage, my step bro clearly was not caring at all and violating my boundaries, i got physical and grabbed his t-shirt, not more not less, i tried to reach out that way to him, telling him to stop that party NOW. well 2 guests of him started to vomit, one of them was obviously close t passing out and my dad and his so joined us. after that my dad started to yell at me like wtf are you doing (he was beaten by his dad, when he was younger). since this time, everyone in this household (i was 15-16 at that time) started to bully me, like, well, no consequences from anyone, my dad didnt cared either anyways before.. but after that event it all started. since that time i got more and more isolated, what else was i supposed to do? my dad was just not caring, while i was the one being made fun of, psychological bullied by my older step sibs.
okay long story, sorry for that!
anyways, i feel like i never got protected nor did my dad has put any effort into showing me that i have any value. there happend quite a few other things like even his so mistreated me several times, throwing stuff at me, calling me an retard and so on, also her doughter was the same, she is like 6 years older than me and bullying till to day.
IM JUST PISSED OFF.. i would love to beat the shit out of them..
so now my main issue, i feel shame for my case. even though i know that i absolutely have the right to feel the way i feel and that they shouldbt bully me at all, i feel ashamed for not being able to work, that i hide myself in my room. but why am i feeling ashamed? i just know i dont feel that way when im on my own, please, i would love to get some thoughts on this since it bothers me a lot on why im feeling that way, maybe its obvious but at times they seem calm and say if theres anything, we always help you, but on the other hand why has my dad put in no effort in to protect me from all this, i mean i have told him that it hurted me a long time ago..
edit: okay even posting that makes me feel ashamed idk whats wrong with me, it shouldnt bother me rigth?
hi guys
a while ago i had to quit my job due to the corona epidemic and i wont get hired again for sure, i wouldnt be able to continue anyways. i was nearly over the edge and about to ctb.
but even without work i cant relax, even though im still 'living' at one of my parents with an age of 22.. they absolutely have no empathy with me or my situation at all, i have been talking to my dad (somewhat forced since he never showed any compassion beginning at my childhood) about me being suicidal, completely burned out and other stuffs, but even after all these tries to get him to realize that im fucked up he still doesnt care at all. the only reason on why i went into the previous jobs was because he forced me indiretly to get into them, 3 of them i had to quit after a short while due to the mentioned stuffs above. on top im dealing with insomnia, social anxiety, fibromyalgia, ocd, panic attacks,dp+dr, and a few minor issues (depression not to mention).. yet, still he bothers me on why im not getting a driving license or just find a job.. but what the hell,..
i just dont get it, im pissed of, my step siblings already started to make fun of me and bully me. its true hell, this started a few years ago, i'm pretty sure it began that time my step brother was completely ignoring me, making party till 1am, during the week, while i had to get some sleep to get to school.. so i went out 2x, telling him to turn down volume and take care. another time music went up, people in the floor (there are only 2 doors separating our rooms, one floor between.
i went to my dad 2x asking him to clear that issue up with the party. nothing happend, im not even sure if he actually went over to him.
so at that point i just went into rage, my step bro clearly was not caring at all and violating my boundaries, i got physical and grabbed his t-shirt, not more not less, i tried to reach out that way to him, telling him to stop that party NOW. well 2 guests of him started to vomit, one of them was obviously close t passing out and my dad and his so joined us. after that my dad started to yell at me like wtf are you doing (he was beaten by his dad, when he was younger). since this time, everyone in this household (i was 15-16 at that time) started to bully me, like, well, no consequences from anyone, my dad didnt cared either anyways before.. but after that event it all started. since that time i got more and more isolated, what else was i supposed to do? my dad was just not caring, while i was the one being made fun of, psychological bullied by my older step sibs.
okay long story, sorry for that!
anyways, i feel like i never got protected nor did my dad has put any effort into showing me that i have any value. there happend quite a few other things like even his so mistreated me several times, throwing stuff at me, calling me an retard and so on, also her doughter was the same, she is like 6 years older than me and bullying till to day.
IM JUST PISSED OFF.. i would love to beat the shit out of them..
so now my main issue, i feel shame for my case. even though i know that i absolutely have the right to feel the way i feel and that they shouldbt bully me at all, i feel ashamed for not being able to work, that i hide myself in my room. but why am i feeling ashamed? i just know i dont feel that way when im on my own, please, i would love to get some thoughts on this since it bothers me a lot on why im feeling that way, maybe its obvious but at times they seem calm and say if theres anything, we always help you, but on the other hand why has my dad put in no effort in to protect me from all this, i mean i have told him that it hurted me a long time ago..
edit: okay even posting that makes me feel ashamed idk whats wrong with me, it shouldnt bother me rigth?
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