Venting Why am I afraid of dying if it's the only thing I want?

[rotten_hrtz]

All my life I've wanted to die; in fact, since I was 6 years old I've meditated on death and why I no longer want to be here. As time has passed, that desire has increased, but I'm afraid of dying
These last few days I've considered the idea of hanging myself, but the mere thought of it makes me tremble and I cry a lot.

I feel so much guilt and I feel selfish for doing this, but I can't stand feeling so alone and depressed anymore. I don't know how to get rid of this constant fear of death. Life for me is suffering and I just want it all to be over now.

I'm terrified of the thought that at some point, when I hang myself, I'll run out of air. I'm also afraid of someone finding my body and being traumatized for life, I truly no longer wish to live, but it seems my fears are only pushing me further away from what I desire most. Has anyone else experienced this?

 

[sanctionedusage]

i think the reaction is a side effect of actually being serious about it, in the moment at least. you're reacting emotionally like it's really about to happen because you intend it to. for me at least, no matter how much i indulge in the idea of killing myself and imagine it for hours on end, i never feel anything like fear or hesitation at the prospect (as i 100% would feel while actually doing it) because my body and mind know it's not imminent and it's not really going to happen— tonight. not saying people with faraway dates aren't serious about it, but for impulsive suicides at least, the trembling and crying is way more validating than it is paradoxical or hypocritical.

 

[rotten_hrtz]

i think the reaction is a side effect of actually being serious about it, in the moment at least. you're reacting emotionally like it's really about to happen because you intend it to. for me at least, no matter how much i indulge in the idea of killing myself and imagine it for hours on end, i never feel anything like fear or hesitation at the prospect (as i 100% would feel while actually doing it) because my body and mind know it's not imminent and it's not really going to happen— tonight. not saying people with faraway dates aren't serious about it, but for impulsive suicides at least, the trembling and crying is way more validating than it is paradoxical or hypocritical.

That makes sense and to be honest, I'd never thought of it that way, thank you for your message <3

 

[tonicer]

It's the same for me. I am 42 now but i wanted to kill myself all the way back in school when i was 12 or so but i could never do it. I couldn't leave my mom behind with a house full of crazy people and also the poor people who would have to remove my mangled corpse (my idea was to lay my neck on some train tracks to get a train to decapitate me) and get as traumatized or worse than what i am dealing with. I doubt if i had a gun i could actually shoot myself either. The fear of death is stronger than my will to die and i hope it stays that way because my life got somewhat better.

 

[rotten_hrtz]

It's the same for me. I am 42 now but i wanted to kill myself all the way back in school when i was 12 or so but i could never do it. I couldn't leave my mom behind with a house full of crazy people and also the poor people who would have to remove my mangled corpse (my idea was to lay my neck on some train tracks to get a train to decapitate me) and get as traumatized or worse than what i am dealing with. I doubt if i had a gun i could actually shoot myself either. The fear of death is stronger than my will to die and i hope it stays that way because my life got somewhat better.

I'm glad to hear that your life has improved, even if only a little. I'm not so sure if my life has improved or not, but I am tired of trying

 

[nintendo64]

Dying is the most terrifying thing you can do. It's naturally engrained in every organism to do everything to avoid death. I don't know why but I personally don't feel so much fear around it, I wasn't scared almost accidentally ctbing when I was testing partial hanging. I find it helps to only think about the reasons why you're doing this, how this is going to end the pain, while you're doing it. With the hanging method as well, just know any suffering will be over very quick if done correctly. I came very close to blacking out in around 30 seconds.

I do struggle greatly with the guilt of it. I think that's unavoidable. It's the one and only reason I've stuck around so long, knowing how badly I'm going to hurt so many people. But I think it's not any more selfish to take your life than it is to force someone who has no quality of life and doesn't want to live to stick around just for your sake, and that helps a little.

I'm so sorry for the pain you must have experienced to get to this point, I hope you can find some peace in whatever you decide.

 

[rotten_hrtz]

Morir es lo más aterrador que puedes hacer. Es innato en todos los organismos hacer todo lo posible para evitar la muerte. No sé por qué, pero personalmente no siento tanto miedo; no me asusté casi accidentalmente al hacer CTB cuando probaba el ahorcamiento parcial. Me parece que ayuda pensar solo en las razones por las que lo haces y en cómo acabará con el dolor mientras lo haces. Con el método del ahorcamiento, recuerda que cualquier sufrimiento terminará muy rápido si se hace correctamente. Estuve a punto de desmayarme en unos 30 segundos.

Me cuesta mucho sentirme culpable. Creo que es inevitable. Es la única razón por la que he aguantado tanto tiempo, sabiendo cuánto daño voy a causar a tanta gente. Pero creo que no es más egoísta quitarte la vida que obligar a alguien sin calidad de vida y sin ganas de vivir a quedarse solo por ti, y eso ayuda un poco.

Lamento mucho el dolor que debes haber experimentado para llegar a este punto, espero que puedas encontrar algo de paz en lo que decidas.

Thank you for your words. I wish I weren't as afraid of death as you are, but unfortunately, I'm very fearful. I also understand what you say about feeling guilty, as it's very difficult. I hope you too can find peace

 

[Alexander.pat]

You ask a question that at first glance seems paradoxical, but it arises from a conflict between two structures of the brain: the prefrontal cortex, which has already realized the need for a radical step, because all the events in the timeline of life have led to this one conclusion, that life is full of suffering and must be ended, but it is opposed by the limbic system as a whole and the amygdala (the center of fear) in particular. I completely sympathize with you and understand your situation, because I am going through the same thing myself, but I have no advice to give you, because that would imply a sequence of actions that could (in theory) finally (provide an answer and) put an end to the agonizing questions, but alas, this contradicts the rules of SaSu. I also apologize for any mistakes in my text, as English is not my native language.

 

[tonicer]

I'm glad to hear that your life has improved, even if only a little. I'm not so sure if my life has improved or not, but I am tired of trying

I was very weak as a kid and young adult but i started working out and now i am stronger than most normal people and that gives me confidence which i never had i was always trying to hide and be scared easily. I am not reckless now but much braver. I might even talk to a women some day and find love.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think it's probably common to a lot of people here that- we want to be dead but, we don't want to have to experience dying to get there.

So- the difference between passive and active ideation effectively. One can feel calming- Thank goodness I'll be dead one day. The other, terrifying- What will it feel like to die? How long will it take? Will I be succesful even? How much pain will I experience?

 

[rotten_hrtz]

You ask a question that at first glance seems paradoxical, but it arises from a conflict between two structures of the brain: the prefrontal cortex, which has already realized the need for a radical step, because all the events in the timeline of life have led to this one conclusion, that life is full of suffering and must be ended, but it is opposed by the limbic system as a whole and the amygdala (the center of fear) in particular. I completely sympathize with you and understand your situation, because I am going through the same thing myself, but I have no advice to give you, because that would imply a sequence of actions that could (in theory) finally (provide an answer and) put an end to the agonizing questions, but alas, this contradicts the rules of SaSu. I also apologize for any mistakes in my text, as English is not my native language.

Don't worry, we understood perfectly what you meant (English isn't my native language either), and it's true that if we look at it a certain way, it's a conflict

I think it's probably common to a lot of people here that- we want to be dead but, we don't want to have to experience dying to get there.

So- the difference between passive and active ideation effectively. One can feel calming- Thank goodness I'll be dead one day. The other, terrifying- What will it feel like to die? How long will it take? Will I be succesful even? How much pain will I experience?

Exactly, it's a very desperate feeling not being able to decide and continuing to live out of fear but suffering

I was very weak as a kid and young adult but i started working out and now i am stronger than most normal people and that gives me confidence which i never had i was always trying to hide and be scared easily. I am not reckless now but much braver. I might even talk to a women some day and find love.

I hope that's the case; you, like everyone else, deserve to find love and be happy :)

 

[badatparties]

Just base survival instinct. Without it, we would die out pretty quick. Day isn't going well, just shoot yourself.