Discussion Who here has a mental disability? Were you happy as a child?

[DrPepper709]

As a kid, I was highly content with life and full of energy. But as soon as I worked my first real job at 16 (much to my parent's desire), my depression got so much worse, and I became suicidal by 18. I now know it's thanks to undiagnosed autism because working in customer service with a mental disability is just brutal. But I miss when I used to have a will to live. Those days are long gone, and I know I'm not going to make a productive member of this neurotypical society at all. Who else grew up happy, but their will to live burned in flames as an adult?

 

[tomyumgoong]

I turned 18 last year and my will to live has plummeted. I struggled with intrusive thoughts from a young age, but man, it's just been so much worse. The first time I'd ever been able to see a mental health professional was late last year in the psychiatric hospital, so I'm not entirely sure if I have a mental disability. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, but my brother has autism and sometimes I think I might as well (or something of that nature). Normal things are just very hard for me. I relate to not being able to be a productive member of society. I worry about it a lot. I've been trying very hard, but I always seem to fall short. Makes me feel like I don't deserve love, and I'm afraid of burdening others.

Either way, working customer service is a bitch fr.

 

[Pessimist]

I think I was quite happy on vacations, but I always hated school and barely had any friends.

 

[DrPepper709]

I turned 18 last year and my will to live has plummeted. I struggled with intrusive thoughts from a young age, but man, it's just been so much worse. The first time I'd ever been able to see a mental health professional was late last year in the psychiatric hospital, so I'm not entirely sure if I have a mental disability. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, but my brother has autism and sometimes I think I might as well (or something of that nature). Normal things are just very hard for me. I relate to not being able to be a productive member of society. I worry about it a lot. I've been trying very hard, but I always seem to fall short. Makes me feel like I don't deserve love, and I'm afraid of burdening others.

Either way, working customer service is a bitch fr.

Yes, customer service is the devil.

I think I was quite happy on vacations, but I always hated school and barely had any friends.

Same, it's unfortunately too common to not make friends

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I got autism and, no, I wasn't happy as a child. I've forever been miserable

 

[mortuarymary]

I have bipolar and paranoia

 

[thesadbrazilian]

I've had social anxiety since I was 5 years old. I've always felt awkward around people. I was always stuck doing group tasks alone and never joined in on the fun with the other kids.

 

[dragonofenvy]

I have autism and I don't think I was ever happy. It's hard to be when you're unable to make friends and always seen as the loner weirdo. Never having friends through most of your childhood also screws you over later since you never get to develop social skills. There were a few times when I was ok for a little bit but I mostly only remember loneliness. I always told myself that when I got older things would get better. I did that for years. Now I don't even have that to cling to.

 

[restless.dreams]

I was a lonely kid, but I was happier than I am now. I could see a future for myself back then. Not so much anymore.

 

[Tzu]

Autism, presented relatively normally as a young kid (not that I can remember enough to confirm that) until about 7-8 when I quickly went downhill in every way possible. Never really recovered from the down spiral, think there's some stuff you have to learn early or you never learn it at all and I missed too many of those.

 

[meowmix]

not from what i remember. sure, there were some happy moments, but mostly my life as a kid was filled with dissociation and family drama.

 

[sserafim]

As a kid, I was highly content with life and full of energy. But as soon as I worked my first real job at 16 (much to my parent's desire), my depression got so much worse, and I became suicidal by 18. I now know it's thanks to undiagnosed autism because working in customer service with a mental disability is just brutal. But I miss when I used to have a will to live. Those days are long gone, and I know I'm not going to make a productive member of this neurotypical society at all. Who else grew up happy, but their will to live burned in flames as an adult?

Personally I don't consider my Asperger's a mental disability, rather, a social one. I think I had a carefree childhood, but school life was rough due to my conditions. I remember that even as a kid, I never wanted to grow up or live past 18. I never wanted to become an adult. Other kids looked forward to growing up, but I had extreme anxiety and distaste over it. I never saw a future for myself as an adult, I couldn't envision or imagine myself becoming one. I honestly think that I was meant to die young and not live this long. I've also had a lot of anxiety about paying mortgage, bills and taxes ever since I was little. I remember my mom would ask me why I would worry over mortgage. The thing is that I don't want to be a productive member of neurotypical society because I don't fit in and it's not built or meant for me.

 

[Abyssal]

ADHD-Diagnosed at age 7
GAD-Diagnosed at age 12
Dysthymia-Been diagnosed with a minor form of depression at age 15, only realized a year ago I meet the criteria for this.
Misophonia-Technically neurological disorder, but I've shown it since age 5.

Misophonia is and was the worst. People get a kick out of setting off your fight or flight, especially children. Was given the title of weird girl who hates everyone. The sound of a young boys voice used to set it off, I would cry in 5th grade just because I had to hear them laugh. I will admit to being cruel to them.

ADHD set the stage. People called me annoying and would do things like throw rocks at me and shit. If that sounds cliche then you'll be happy to know that they always missed because 1st graders have bad aim.

Both of those things together fucked up my brain with all sorts of bullying and insults from others. I think my anxiety and depression resulted from it.

 

[The Ninth God]

Psychopathy/Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD/APD) here, even if a bit anomalous for the standard criteria. I suffered since I was very young, being much more mature and developed for my age and because I was unable to understand my own emotions and feelings, also not perceiving those of others made my life difficult. I was a stranger in my own mind; I looked at myself and couldn't tell what I was feeling, I looked around and couldn't "feel" or understand the world around me. By the age of 12/13, I was depressed, self harming and already dead inside. I started experiencing derealization, I delved into my own mind to find answers, learning how to understand the world around me and my own feelings; introspection and dreams, through analysis of the symbolic meaning behind them, gave me everything I needed. I started recovering by the age of 16/17, but struggled up to 20/21 and I'm 26 now, so I suffered for 3/4 of my life. I became entirely insensitive to emotional pain; the few occasions where I cry I don't feel pain, but relief and pleasure. Whatever resurfaced from that abyss is not the same individual, that's what I always said about myself.

 

[Dliena]

I think I have multiple at this point. I know for certain i've been officially diagnosed with autism at 3 but then I would do other weird stuff as a kid like scratch the walls scratch the cars and paper speaking of paper I would eat that shit for breakfast I have heard of pica I guess being another possible mental disability to add on to my list if that even counts for anything.

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

Autism and ADHD - I think I was happier at points as a kid because I had friends. I didn't have a lot of them, but even up until high school I was able to be authentic and weird was tolerated. I was one of the freaks in high school but there were a lot of us, so I felt... both depressed and often suicidal since I was a kid, but I wasn't alone. I had no idea that ironically was some stability. I went to house parties, music concerts, did after school activities, and felt there was a scary future but one I could be present in. I had people. I wasn't alone.

The 'will to live burned in flames as an adult' is absolutely true because I don't have anyone now. Adulthood has been a disaster. it has steadily gone downhill from the traumas. More and more people just walk away. I don't chase anyone. I just give away my furniture and close things so the end will be clean and simple.

This is life with autism and adhd - it's the autism that is murdering me from within, like a death grip that gets tighter and is choking me. I am losing my ability to take care of myself. I can't see me ever getting a job and keeping it. My health is an issue too. What little happiness happens is constantly consumed by dread because of money and health issues. Nothing of what I wanted to happen has happened. Death is the way forward towards healing for autism. It's not the solution but it's the path to peace. All I want before I go is to make one friend so I feel what that's like again.

 

[Thanksforeverything]

ASPD which led to MDD. When I was a kid, I lived a happy and carefree life. I'd laugh, I'd cry, I'd seek personal connections with others. But around my final years of highschool, everything changed. I was filled with this sense of apathy and anhedonia that made doing regular things extremely difficult. I started isolating myself from my friends and family and essentially lived a closed-off life where I only interacted with people when I had to.

I never had social anxiety, and I'm still pretty good at socializing or fulfilling leadership roles, but I do so out of obligation and never find any joy in it. My ASPD prevents me from essentially understanding people on a fundamental level and while I can put on a mask and seem perfectly normal from the outside, I'm never really able to build sincere relationships. When people care about me, it makes me feel guilty because I feel like I'm not capable of reciprocating those feelings to the same extent. Luckily my ASPD doesn't cause me to have criminal impulses, so that's the only thing that's kept me alive this long. I could never live with myself if I directly committed a crime and harmed another person.

The MDD was a result of essentially living a very isolated life and cutting out people who supported me in the past. This was the final straw because this only made my suicidal ideation far worse. I realized that while I could pass off as a regular person if someone looked at me, things would never really get better for me. Sure, I could do everything society expects from me, but I'll never really find any joy in living. The only thing that's tethering me to this world now, is the fear of hurting those who still continue to care about me despite my best efforts to push them away. But it's exhausting. Living's really exhausting. If I could turn back time and become that happy-go-lucky kid I once was, that'd be fantastic. But that's just a fantasy, and my life will not really get any better from here on out.

 

[The Ninth God]

ASPD which led to MDD. When I was a kid, I lived a happy and carefree life. I'd laugh, I'd cry, I'd seek personal connections with others. But around my final years of highschool, everything changed. I was filled with this sense of apathy and anhedonia that made doing regular things extremely difficult. I started isolating myself from my friends and family and essentially lived a closed-off life where I only interacted with people when I had to.

I never had social anxiety, and I'm still pretty good at socializing or fulfilling leadership roles, but I do so out of obligation and never find any joy in it. My ASPD prevents me from essentially understanding people on a fundamental level and while I can put on a mask and seem perfectly normal from the outside, I'm never really able to build sincere relationships. When people care about me, it makes me feel guilty because I feel like I'm not capable of reciprocating those feelings to the same extent. Luckily my ASPD doesn't cause me to have criminal impulses, so that's the only thing that's kept me alive this long. I could never live with myself if I directly committed a crime and harmed another person.

The MDD was a result of essentially living a very isolated life and cutting out people who supported me in the past. This was the final straw because this only made my suicidal ideation far worse. I realized that while I could pass off as a regular person if someone looked at me, things would never really get better for me. Sure, I could do everything society expects from me, but I'll never really find any joy in living. The only thing that's tethering me to this world now, is the fear of hurting those who still continue to care about me despite my best efforts to push them away. But it's exhausting. Living's really exhausting. If I could turn back time and become that happy-go-lucky kid I once was, that'd be fantastic. But that's just a fantasy, and my life will not really get any better from here on out.

The worst thing is that most people believe you cannot care about others, when in fact it's just a different concept of affection and love. I'm actually very protective of those I care about, but humans rarely understand it...sooo I filled my home with pets; they always understand and shares the love you give to them. Since I experienced it in the first place, I find easier to understand species that many consider "unable" to love you, like reptiles. Reptiles can be very affectionate, but they don't act like mammals. I love snakes, lizards and more because I am the same; people fears me and never understood how I express my emotions.

 

[Thanksforeverything]

The worst thing is that most people believe you cannot care about others, when in fact it's just a different concept of affection and love. I'm actually very protective of those I care about, but humans rarely understand it...sooo I filled my home with pets; they always understand and shares the love you give to them. Since I experienced it in the first place, I find easier to understand species that many consider "unable" to love you, like reptiles. Reptiles can be very affectionate, but they don't act like mammals. I love snakes, lizards and more because I am the same; people fears me and never understood how I express my emotions.

Did you ever have issues with fully opening up to people? I have issues with completely trusting a person 100%, even the ones I logically know I should be able to. This leads to my relationships feeling super insincere as I never open up to others the way they're willing to, which just leads to more guilt. I get the animal part. I'm the exact same. The only beings on this planet I can love unconditionally are pets and other animals. But I simply can't translate that over to other human beings.

 

[fleshgarden]

I think growing up, I was very positive and outgoing, even being the weird kid, I think if I didn't have friends it would have ruined me. I was even positive throughout all the abuse and weird shit I went through, until I turned 11 and I suddenly had reality catch up to me, for that year I only thought about suiicide, everything became dull and lifeless. I tried calling for help, writing poems about my death and how I was so miserable. but otherwise I tried to smile and felt so alone. growing up after that was me trying to cope as bet as could, but since then I've mostly thought about death and how mh I'm still suffering. now I know I have autism, cptsd, gad/social anxiety and mdd, all of these things have made me so miserable

 

[Silent Raindrops]

you'll be happy to know that they always missed because 1st graders have bad aim.

I'm sorry, but this made me smile!

 

[The Ninth God]

Did you ever have issues with fully opening up to people? I have issues with completely trusting a person 100%, even the ones I logically know I should be able to. This leads to my relationships feeling super insincere as I never open up to others the way they're willing to, which just leads to more guilt. I get the animal part. I'm the exact same. The only beings on this planet I can love unconditionally are pets and other animals. But I simply can't translate that over to other human beings.

I never trust anyone, not even those I speak on a daily basis, since I got betrayed every time I did so in the past. I open myself, you can talk about everything and it will remain there, but I will never trust anyone. I cannot trust humans after all they have done to me, they cannot be trusted in my opinion. I trust only myself...and my pets, they never betray you.

 

[sserafim]

Autism and ADHD - I think I was happier at points as a kid because I had friends. I didn't have a lot of them, but even up until high school I was able to be authentic and weird was tolerated. I was one of the freaks in high school but there were a lot of us, so I felt... both depressed and often suicidal since I was a kid, but I wasn't alone. I had no idea that ironically was some stability. I went to house parties, music concerts, did after school activities, and felt there was a scary future but one I could be present in. I had people. I wasn't alone.

The 'will to live burned in flames as an adult' is absolutely true because I don't have anyone now. Adulthood has been a disaster. it has steadily gone downhill from the traumas. More and more people just walk away. I don't chase anyone. I just give away my furniture and close things so the end will be clean and simple.

This is life with autism and adhd - it's the autism that is murdering me from within, like a death grip that gets tighter and is choking me. I am losing my ability to take care of myself. I can't see me ever getting a job and keeping it. My health is an issue too. What little happiness happens is constantly consumed by dread because of money and health issues. Nothing of what I wanted to happen has happened. Death is the way forward towards healing for autism. It's not the solution but it's the path to peace. All I want before I go is to make one friend so I feel what that's like again.

Same. I have Asperger's/autism (I'll just call it ASD) and ADHD as well, and I wish that ASD could be approved for euthanasia. I completely agree that death is the way forward towards healing autism. We'll never be neurotypical in this lifetime, yet we're expected to function in a neurotypical world where nothing is built or meant for us. Life throws us so many unnecessary challenges and it's basically like a video game on hard mode.

Ugh ASD is just a really debilitating disease that makes one of the basic and essential functions/requirements of life difficult and causes many obstacles towards success in the world. Life is all about socializing and social interaction, and you have to socialize everywhere, it's inescapable (unfortunately).

In my opinion, no one should have to live with or be burdened with this condition. I feel like it's holding me back and I'll never reach my true potential, even though I don't want to make something out of myself anyways. Hopefully one day there can be a treatment or cure for ASD.

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

Hopefully one day there can be a treatment or cure for ASD.

Maybe - maybe they can find the genes for it, but don't think it will happen in our lifetimes, to be honest, and there is no medication for being brain damaged. I'm trying to make life as comfortable as possible for me while I figure out my exit plan. I need to find a roommate with ASD to save some money and hope someone else at home will help me not feel so lonely while I collect ingredients and identify where best to do it.

The idea of decades more of this brain disease is not an option. I wish all my ASD folks in particular healing. We were dealt a cruel hand but the silence and healing from our journey is there on the other side.