Drowning fish
I want to die
- Sep 9, 2020
- 76
I have often been feeling like I have no right to kill myself because I'm not poor enough, not hated enough and probably even some people around here would have kept living if they had my life, maybe they would have succeeded in finding the happiness I cannot inside my body with the very same experiences I have.
I feel like I have no place I belong, not functional enough to live normally, maybe not having suffered enough to have the right to be so severely depressed, not white enough to be a white person, not black enough to be a black person. I literally live in shades of grey.
The only sure thing about myself is that I've been depressed since my childhood and it got extremely worse around 16 and from then on it never went better, actually every year gets worse.
This year I've lived as a hikikomori because I had no purpose at all. Last week, I started a work as a waitress to stop the pressure of my family and society but I just quit because instead I was pressured with work and interacting with other humans. I'm sure anyone else would have been happy to find a job and would have been able to perform such easy tasks as the ones waitresses do.
I am a waste of space but I feel I have no right to die because I wasn't raped or I never lived outside feeding off garbage. So I am just hoping every night that I don't wake up the next day.
I feel like I have no place I belong, not functional enough to live normally, maybe not having suffered enough to have the right to be so severely depressed, not white enough to be a white person, not black enough to be a black person. I literally live in shades of grey.
The only sure thing about myself is that I've been depressed since my childhood and it got extremely worse around 16 and from then on it never went better, actually every year gets worse.
This year I've lived as a hikikomori because I had no purpose at all. Last week, I started a work as a waitress to stop the pressure of my family and society but I just quit because instead I was pressured with work and interacting with other humans. I'm sure anyone else would have been happy to find a job and would have been able to perform such easy tasks as the ones waitresses do.
I am a waste of space but I feel I have no right to die because I wasn't raped or I never lived outside feeding off garbage. So I am just hoping every night that I don't wake up the next day.