Who feels like they should have already ctb

[HannahB]

I had a shitty day yesterday so last night I got drunk and sat outside with my gun to my head. I tried so hard to pull the trigger but I couldn't. It's not the first time, every day feels worse and worse. It's like I should have pulled the trigger a long time ago and sence I didnt I'm being punished. I used to feel like not being able to meant I still wanted to live but now I see it's just how I am. I'm afraid to stand up for myself for my feelings for my beliefs. That's why my life is shit anyways cause I have always let other people come first and even now when I'm suffering all I can think of is their feelings. Brains are wierd and I hope I can figure this out cause my life isnt getting any better.

 

[SuicidalSymphonies]

Tried when I was 16 and almost succeeded. My mother heard my puking and rushed me to the hospital. They saved my life, obviously, but I wish I'd have died. Since then there have been no attempts.

Tl;dr yes, I should have.

 

[Ame]

I should have. Many times over.

I have mostly hung around and underwent so many treatments out of obligation to my loved ones. I feel incredibly guilty for letting everyone down and for wasting all of that therapy as I realize that not everyone can access the help that they desperately need.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

It's like I should have pulled the trigger a long time ago and sence I didnt I'm being punished.

I can so relate. :( The first time I said "I wish I were dead" and meant it, I was 9. Every single year since then has gotten worse and worse. I listened to others--from ministers to psychiatrists to community mental health workers to therapists... tell me to hold on. That things would get better. Then one day you're too old for anyone to give half a f*ck about and all others want is for you to be dead already. There's no reason life has to work out for any of us. For some, life sucks. And for others, life really sucks. Sorry you're hurting. A hug from out there.

 

[HannahB]

I can so relate. :( The first time I said "I wish I were dead" and meant it, I was 9. Every single year since then has gotten worse and worse. I listened to others--from ministers to psychiatrists to community mental health workers to therapists... tell me to hold on. That things would get better. Then one day you're too old for anyone to give half a f*ck about and all others want is for you to be dead already. There's no reason life has to work out for any of us. For some, life sucks. And for others, life really sucks. Sorry you're hurting. A hug from out there.

Thank you. I'm sorry life is shitty. I feel that life is just shitty for some people like the whole thing and people who have good lives just dont get it

 

[THCTemplar]

Same here. Gun right beside me. I want out. I have one of the easiest means to take myself out. Yet I cannot stop thinking about waking up as a vegetable on life support. I could walk out into the forest right now and pull the trigger while so many on here are struggling to obtain a method.

Hugs to you. I hope you don't have to die to be ok.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

I feel that life is just shitty for some people like the whole thing and people who have good lives just dont get it

AMEN!

 

[falconeyes]

I have the same feeling except i have no gun, just many related drug methods to CTB but never got the gut to try any. I always thought firearm methods would make it easier but obviously I'm wrong. Happy you didn't pull the trigger, hope you have better days

 

[WhiteDespair]

Yes. Woke up in detox in college. I was elated to have almost died. Would've been better to have frozen on the streets.

 

[tehdisturbedone]

Every day, its kind of annoying when you planned you' wouldn't make it past 18 in my case and I'm now 25

 

[morningdew]

should have a couple years ago. I wouldn't have missed much. just had more hope back then

 

[Sweet emotion]

I feel like I should had. Nothing has changed in the past 14 years with my complex regional pain syndrome except for the pain getting more extreme and the flares lasting longer.
I feel like I should had. Nothing has changed in the past 14 years with my complex regional pain syndrome except for the pain getting more extreme and the flares lasting longer.

 

[a_strange_day]

I should have. A looong time ago. I started to seriously consider suicide at 18 and could have done it easily since I had a gun, but I didn't. I changed my mind a lot over the years for different reasons but it always ended the same way, looking back and whishing I had done it. The worst is that the older you get the harder it is to do it in my opinion.

 

[hobbydevil]

I should have died when I was 16 and severely underweight due to anorexia. At least that way it wouldn't have looked like a suicide (even though in some ways it was supposed to be one).
I wish my life would have just ended there, without the trauma that got added on top in recent years.

 

[Reyki6667]

Me. I utterly regret I didn't end my life 10 years ago.

 

[CrushedHopes]

I used to be a relatively bright person, but I had one failed CTB attempt back in 2016, with no research. Just chugged a bottle of sleeping pills with no regard to what they actually are. I was rushed to the hospital, and that saved me, of course. After my survival, I recovered. Unfortunately, 3 years later, I've been thoroughly screwed over, and I'm so done.

But this time, it won't be the same. I live alone at the moment, and my parents aren't gonna come over until early Dec (they don't live in the same state). I have more than one month's time to CTB via SN. I can do it. I may have a time limit since it is highly unlikely that I'll be able to CTB after that point, but since nobody checks up on me IRL, my corpse won't be discovered for a while. But oh well. My life, my choice. I am choosing to end it with dignity rather than suffer for the rest of my miserable life.

 

[cocodecomedy]

It's like I should have pulled the trigger a long time ago and sence I didnt I'm being punished. I used to feel like not being able to meant I still wanted to live but now I see it's just how I am. I'm afraid to stand up for myself for my feelings for my beliefs. That's why my life is shit anyways cause I have always let other people come first and even now when I'm suffering all I can think of is their feelings.

Are you me? I was so set on ctb just before last Christmas but decided to wait to see my (now ex) long distance boyfriend and give him and my family a good final memory of me. Not going to get into detail but that was a huge fucking mistake. Everyone in my life is a twat and I had the worst year of my life because of them and letting them treat me like shit. Fuck putting other people first none of them give a shit about us.

 

[Élégie]

Yes. I wish I had CTB a decade ago, when I was around 16... Things just got worse over the years.