Where’s the so called calm before CTB?

[IWIKAW]

With a few days left til my scheduled last day (SN method ), I've been crying every night and can't get to sleep without alcohol or a benzo. I realized I'm really scared about whats to come. I don't want to put my family through this. I have to keep reminding myself that yes suicide is a selfish act but I can't live so others don't feel pain while i feel it every second of the day.

 

[Azzy69]

In that case are you really sure it is what you want? just checking, not here to change your mind :)

 

[Time]

Same here. I've been reminding myself that although it's selfish & people will be very hurt I truly believe that it's the right decision.

 

[Sideswipe]

With a few days left til my scheduled last day (SN method ), I've been crying every night and can't get to sleep without alcohol or a benzo. I realized I'm really scared about whats to come. I don't want to put my family through this. I have to keep reminding myself that yes suicide is a selfish act but I can't live so others don't feel pain while i feel it every second of the day.

You don't have to schedule it. It's a permanent solution to what might be a temporary problem.. Maybe you need to fix a new date so you have longer to feel comfortable with your decision? Whats the worst another week can do? Kill you...

 

[BlueWidow]

Yes, I'm also struggling with that a little bit. I'm not so much struggling with the idea that I want to ctb. I definitely know that I do, but the problem is the timing.
I had planned to do it as soon as my SN arrived and my plans were set, but then the holidays started and I didn't want to be the cause of anyone having a bad holiday season, so I decided to postpone until January 3rd.

Now it seems January 3rd is coming up on me a lot faster than I expected and I have a lot of stuff that I still haven't completed.

I also feel like fate or the universe or God or whatever thing it is you believe in is screwing with me because in the last two or three days I've heard from a couple of different people that I hadn't heard from in years. In both cases, these people wanted assurances from me that I would stay in touch with them from now on. I would've been better off had these people not found out where I was because now they're going to be hurt when I ctb.
It's frustrating.

 

[Starrywaters]

This is one of the most important choices you can ever make. If you feel so anxious about it and you are distressed just remember you don't have to commit to a date, a time or anything. It's the ultimate free choice for you to make, for all of us to make - to continue our lives or not.

It's perfectly natural to be feeling how you are. It's easier said than done but try and focus on the days and get anything you want in order, if you decide to commit to your chosen date at least you will know you made yourself as ready as possible.